The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to Ala-non and addiction somewhat as well. My sister is in recovery for 3 years but somehow now having an AH is a whole new ballgame. I guess it's the difference with living with the addict versus not. Anyway, my AH's "secret" was just found by me. He just spent 12 days (not nearly enough) in rehab. He has been home since last Friday so one week tomorrow. It has been a roller coaster for years and of course I was thinking it was gonna be different somehow now. His "secret" went unknown to me for about 2 years. He was a mess the last 6 months the most. He came home happy and motivated from rehab. I was like "yes! long road but this is a great start"! Well that didn't last. His mood is on quite a down swing. I guess I thought the much needed time apart would give us a fresh start. I let my guard down some and now fear is raging in me as I am seeing old patterns emerging but I'm pretty sure it's at least minus the drinking. So being new to this, are the mood swings normal? He is still in his program. Not back at work. He is off 4 more weeks to work his program. Thank goodness for great benefits! How much do I say/mention/stay on him about his choices and moods at this point? Any help to a newbie is appreciated!
Welcome Italylover, I too have an AH in recovery. This is his third attempt. He came home from a 14 day rehab program in June so it hasn't been that long. I can tell you the first month or so was rough. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. If the kids acted up or I raised my voice at all (which I have a habit of doing) he would retreat to the bedroom to read his AA books. It's like he couldn't deal with real life family issues yet and I desperately wanted him to! Heck I waited 18 years for this! It's getting better now. Also he slept an awful lot. He is on Campral for cravings so I heard that causes some drowsiness too. Basically all he did the first few weeks was attend meetings, IOP, watch TV, sleep and eat. He is currently out of work. I am hoping as his recovery progresses he chooses to pound the pavement and look for a job. But in the meantime, thank God for mine.
I took a lot of things personally when he first came home. Like when he would retreat to the bedroom or sleep too much I thought he must be depressed and not happy living with me. Or when he didn't seem up to going out to the movies or for walks or even out to eat I would get upset and ask why don't you want to do things with me??! He explained that everything he did before involved drinking. He didn't know how to enjoy life without it.
This program has helped me see that I'm not alone and I need to take care of myself. I understand I cannot control another person. My sister is also an addict who has severe anxiety and panic attacks. Our family feels very helpless with her. But you're right--it's so very different and much harder when you live with the alcoholic and they are your spouse. When you're married to someone you expect to have a partner in life, an equal. I've found out the hard way that is not possible with an active alcoholic. I've heard people refer to it as being on a roller coaster or hamster wheel where you can't get off. But Alanon has helped me get through one day at a time and to live in the moment. The hardest thing for me is not to project into the future. Your AH has a similar program.
Good luck to you and your husband in his recovery. It also helps to read up on recovery and what he is going through. It made me see that some of the things he was feeling or doing were common.
I too welcome you to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you posted.
Recovery is individual for each person. While the program and fundamentals are the same, it's a personal unique journey. He is most likely trying to adapt and adjust to a new normal. That is difficult for anybody, especially so for substance abusers as they are missing a key component of life they relied on heavily.
I too encourage you to find local and/or online meetings. Al-Anon teaches us to focus on ourselves - actions, reactions, boundaries, healthy behaviors, enabling, etc. You will be offered tools to help you in every stage of your life and your own recovery.
This disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. It affects the family as much or more so at times that the alcoholic. Recovery is helpful for all those who live with or love an alcoholic/substance abuser.
So very glad that you're here - keep coming back and post anytime!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hang in there. His mood swings are very normal. I too have an AH who is recently in recovery. He didn't go to rehab but did detox at the hospital. When he got home the first few weeks were walking on egg shells. He went to meetings, starting eating again and slept a ton. Al Anon will tell you to stay out of his recovery and let him work his program while you work yours. It took every ounce of restraint to stop asking him when he was going to a meeting, etc. as this really isn't any of my business and I realized it was just my way of trying to control the situation. Now he is down to just a few meetings a week but I have to realize that he will go to one if he really needs it. If he relapses and starts to drink again I will cross that bridge if/when it happens and will decide whether I remain living with him or ask him to move out. He already knows what the alternative is going to be if he drinks again. Just try and focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Try and get out for a walk or do soemthing you haven't done in a while and put your faith in your HP. Face to face meetings and this message board have been a blessing to me. Best of luck!
Thank you all for the warm welcomes. I am happy to know that how he is "acting" is "normal" somewhat. I guess I excepted too much his first week home. I so wanted the guy I married back that when it didn't happen I am devastated. I do hope in time that he can once again become the guy I married. We have a special needs child that I have been a single mom to for years now. I am exhausted. I need his support. I guess time will tell where my life will go. I am currently looking for a live meeting and hope for a sponsor nearby. Thanks again for all your advice!
IL
Welcome! There's going to be many changes regardless of how this goes. Alanon will provide you with the tools to navigate through the changes and be okay with whatever the outcome is. Basically, creating a healthier YOU in Mind, Body & Spirit!
"How much do I say/mention/stay on him about his choices and moods at this point? Any help to a newbie is appreciated!" This is the easy question. The answer is nothing. You have already heard mention "self" focus which was confusing also for me when I first found the doors of Al-Anon. I was Ill informed that I could fix my wife, Hell I couldn't even teach her how to drink right and knew nothing about getting her clean and sober and now I was being told to stay out of her way...which of course was the right suggestion and at first the hardest thing to do. Find your face to face meetings where you are at in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call and get the places and times we meet in your area and then come out soon as you can. The quicker the better cause the insanity will get less and then move off faster. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. He is up against an age old wicked fatal disease and so are you. Glad you found us at MIP...you are family now and we all support each other. There is hundreds of years of recovery at MIP and you can tap into it with out hesitation. In support (((((hugs)))))
