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I kicked my ah out of the house. He has been coming to visit my daughter and is charming one minute and then whamo. He says he can only say sorry so much and that I keep nagging him and wanting him to feel bad. I have been going back and forth with him every since When I have seen him, he makes a quick face of he is sorry or says he misses me. It just dawned on me that we r doing the same thing that we do when He was living with me. He doesn't know or can't even recognize what I'm sorry really is or should be. To me I'm sorry means you try and gain a persons trust and do whatever it takes to earn it back, how ever long that takes. To him I'm sorry is said, all should be forgiven. When I'm still angry, then in in the wrong because he said in sorry (he even said I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry but it does no good)! So inhale gotten an enlightenment--the alcoholic mind--if I stay mad even if he says sorry, to him that means he needs to leave for life bc I will not forgive him right then. To me saying sorry is staying sober for a year, working a program and doing whatever it takes. The fundamental problem is he can't do something that isn't an instant satisfaction and I can't forgive someone when they say I'm sorry condescending and then slip again two months later. So the standoff remains and I realized that is why marriages and relationships with A alcoholic is impossible. Their are two mind sets and one will do whatever it takes to defend there crazy mindset belt destroying family and relationships and the other either accepts it or walks away. I'm choosing walking away. It is so hard but I have too.. He is not there for me, he will fight me to the death just to be right.
What I discovered is they really mean what they say in the moment .. The problem being they blink the moment is gone. Would I believe anyone with 9 days sober absolutely not. I do believe they believe what they say in the moment.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Sometime- I just get so frustrated at myself for not realizing I was back into it. I swear I had "yeah wait a minute" moment and when it happen I just shut everything down but then i could feel myself getting mad at myself for it and then told myself I am not made of stone u do care about the guy just let it go.. But darn it one day my heart will stop getting in the way of my head. One day soon ğ. I am not going back to the crazy, stay in the now.. I repeat that a lot! But apparently I need to say it a lot more!
Learning as much as I could about alcoholism helped me with my relationships with alcoholics and addicts. One of my college texts was titled "Under the Influence" and I learned so much from it. Al-Anon also has a pamphlet "So you love and alcoholic' which is also good. 9 days sober isn't sober...its dry only and if in that 9 days he hasn't been learning from other alcoholics who know how to and why to stay sober one day at a time willingly and with commitment he might never get sober. Best wishes to both of you...remember the program description of the first 3 steps...."I can't" "God can" "I'll let him". Keep coming back ...in support (((((hugs)))))
So sorry for the situation you are in and the pain you have. For me, I had a difficult time with letting go until I truly accepted the first 3 Steps of this program. I would also turn it over and then, there would be a bit of chaos, and I was 'back' to trying to control - the person, the fight, the situation, the future, etc. It was so maddening!
Working with a sponsor to keep my brain focused on me, and how I was feeling and how I could do different (not react, engage, control) and surrendering to the steps of this program brought about a profound change in my daily life.
In the beginning, my two immediate tools were the Serenity Prayer and the One Day at a Time slogan, which I often modified to one moment at a time.
Keep coming back - we're here for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm sorry means so many different things to different people.
My hubby has been sober and in the AA program for 15 years. He has NEVER said he was sorry for the 29 years of our marriage that he drank progressively out of control. He has never said he was sorry for anything that he did or said to me or the kids. (He did say that he didn't think he was as bad as those other guys.)
For me, I am waiting for the acknowledgement that it was an act of HIS that made me lose trust in him. If he doesn't even know he did it, then how can he be sorry for it?
Don't look for "I'm sorry." Just take care of yourself. More time looking at yourself and less time looking at him.
