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And the insanity that goes with it. How can one person do so much damage when they have only text 3x in a 5 week period to their kids? That is a redundant question do not answer that one .. lol. Oi. So I'm trying to figure out how to keep the focus on me and what is happening currently which is a move. First thing first .. our child texts him and says hey dad are we doing visitation this next weekend, what time and what day will we see you? His response? First one, .. I don't know what my financial situation is so I don't think we can go shopping. Yes, I will see you next weekend. Would it be ok with you if we went and saw Noni? I have insurance paperwork for your mom to give to you next visitation. Next response .. What school are you going to? Next response his .. Can't you tell me what state you are moving to? Next response .. again his .. We will be able to go shopping that won't be a problem. My daughter then calls me not a happy girl and says seriously? At this point I have tried to redirect him back to me on numerous occasions with no luck. I asked my daughter again . honey .. do you want me to try again and just tell him to stop dragging you into conversations that are just not your business? Poor kid says .. Mom you have done everything you can I am out of breath with the situation and he will not listen would you PPPLLLEEEAAASSEEE try one more time? I sent him a short message that, we needed to know what day specifically that the kids would be visiting with him. They are planning a party with their friends, while they would like to see Noni they would prefer if the visitation was just about them being that 5 weeks is a long time and they would like to see just him specifically. (side note I already know he has not spoken to his ex s/mom about any of this just because this is his emotional blackmail stuff, the kids see through this big time). She is more than welcome to contact me directly for any kind of visiting she would like to do. I have never told her she can't see the kids. I then tried as gently as I could to say .. please stop bringing E into conversations you and I need to be having directly. (that was pretty much grow a pair and deal with me when it comes to some of this other stuff). Whatever discussions we need to have about moving we can do during drop off and pick up. It was about 3 hours later and my phone rings with UNKNOWN popping up I'm not getting pulled into that kind of conversation .. I knew it was him and he was blocking his number .. no message and literally 45 seconds later I get a message. He would have to wait until he got off work to let me know. Do note there was not one mention of Noni in that text .. hmm .. lol. Now I'm laughing and thinking you behave S .. all I wanted to send back was thank you .. tell NW I appreciate her response.
I didn't .. I did call my daughter and let her know if he continues to badger her with questions that she honestly doesn't know the answers to at this point. She can not respond or she can redirect him to me and she knows that will also shut the conversation down. What I did do that I probably didn't need to do was I text the kids Noni who by the way hasn't seen the kids in over 2 years now?? I had to laugh I know that was a non alanon thing to do however I'm not going to deal with this crap about he said that they were seeing the kids and I was not letting her see them .. so I offered an invite stating that J had contacted E and wanted to know about the kids seeing her. Since J has challenges with honesty I would like her and I to communicate directly about it. If she would like to see the kids before we leave I have no issues with that we are available during the week. Time is short and we will be on our way sooner than later at this point. (side note) my feeling is that all cards on the table. The move I am waiting until a couple days before so he can't screw with me. As he is not signing papers and not providing information that he should.
No he hasn't done what he needs to do .. however whatever .. I'm not going to worry about it. It's just one more thing that I would rather not deal with though .. ugh.
He screws with me he's going to have a horn between his eyeballs .. and another inserted where the sun doesn't shine .. you would think he would STOP .. just stop already and leave us alone. I think if he balks at this anymore his atty is actually going to drop him .. the atty is so fed up it's crazy at this point. His wife is not looking to spend 20k to delay this stuff.
You never know with an alcoholic so I'm taking 3 steps back trying not to poke the bear at the same time stomp my feet and say I am reminding him I will take a stand. Of course in his mind he's going to pay me when he wants to pay me what he wants to pay and I'm having to wait as he thinks he's pulling one over on me .. this is all about control and money .. it's HIS money .. it's HIS possessions that I'm taking. Crazy stuff I swear.
Now my move .. turns out we are headed to TX .. tomorrow I am headed to get the kids out of St Louis. We are leaving even if we are flying on 8-5. I'm so excited however I'm having tummy issues. I know they will settle when my babies are back with me the anxiety of getting them on the plane and so on is a little overwhelming.
Anyway, hugs all this too shall pass and I just really hope that he is out of sight and out of mind until he gets some serious help I don't want him near me or the kids ... it's a shame to feel that way .. at this point it's to hard on the kids.
S :)
PS - I just learned a new term .. LOL .. table grapes and stone fruit .. I have never heard that before!!
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Frustrating, and frustratingly predictable. Remember you can't control his insanity, you can only control your own response. My A has no impulse control whatsoever so asking him not to ask a question would be like telling a toddler not to ask a question. They're really toddlers at heart. Hope you can just continue to go about your own business as you're doing!
Oh Mattie you are RIGHT .. I"m telling you King Baby is in full swing because he realizes that he can't control me at all .. I'm turning left and no one saw that coming .. LOL!
I will have to repeat the boundary and all I can do with E is give her the tools to say NO ... her version of saying no is just not responding .. it drives him crazy and so of course he badgers more I'm just glad it's through text and not through other means.
It's a question of me desperately wanting to act out .. I have more than one zinger I have been saving so I need to stick that in a box of healthy release. To say that I am on fire is putting it mildly .. my humor is rolling and at least I can release it that way .. I had the best time .. I'm actually trying to get the nerve to see if I can get up on stage .. LOL. We'll see.
Anyway, thank you .. I swear he is something .. exactly what is the question.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I can't make sense of any communication with my Child's father and I've arrived at a point where i just can't do it anymore. One minute he's trying to befriend me, the next abusing me relentlessly, asks me "what he can do to help" and then systematically refuses to do anything I suggest, and so little of what he says is even decipherable; it's all so weird.
A few days ago I sent him a simple, polite message to say i'm not comfortable with you coming into my home and I don't want it to happen again" and received a bizarre litany of abuse and weird accusations. I responded that I'm sorry he feels that way but I aim to teach our daughter by example to have boundaries and I hope he'll see the importance of that and respect my request. More angry/insane texts and then he finished up with "If you think you're going to have boundaries then how about mine....don't ever send me another text message, from now on if you have something to say you can organise to talk to me in person or on the phone" (We agreed years ago to communicate by text as when we use our voices he just shouts over me until I hang up. No thanks). Then more texts about how he isn't playing my "stupid little kiddy games" and so on. It's all quite bizarre when you read through it as my 3 messages are polite and brief and his are weird, angry and make no sense at all. Anyway I haven't texted him again and yay, it's been quiet for a few days. Then tonight he sends a text saying "I am booking a holiday for Melbourne Cup weekend so can you confirm daughter can come" and a smiley face...where we live the kids don't get a long weekend for that, we have this same conversation EVERY single year. I don't believe there was any holiday to book, he just got bored and wanted to start another texting match. Bo-ring. It was the same with the constant text demands that I organise her a passport; he texted me relentlessly for weeks about it. I did the paperwork and handed it to him and he looked at it confused and said 'Oh...yeah I guess she might need a passport some day, thanks". Thee was no holiday or need for the passport, he just thought he had found something new to badger me about.
Anyway whenever he has had a spaz at me he then starts messaging our daughter relentlessly and weirdly, like "hey where are you"...a minute later "hey, I'm worried about you"..."talk to meeeeee" "The kids miss you, they keep asking me when you are coming to live with them" "It's true, your little brother is so sad, all he talks about s you coming to live with us" and on and on and on it goes and makes her really uncomfortable and sad. Yet I can recall only 1 occasion in the last year when she has asked to call him and ask him something...she wanted to ask if he would help pay for her graduation outfit and he gave her a huge lecture about how "you don't just call me and ask me to pay for things that's your mums job, that's what i pay child support for" and told her she would be punnished for her 'rude phone call" when he saw her!!! What? She wasn't rude, she asked him very nicely for the one and only thing I've ever heard her ask him for! NUTS!!!!!
I can't cope with it anymore so i've been talking to my mother and she's agreed to help me reduce any need for contact by doing handovers when possible and sending him information...not to argue or tell him off or anything but just to advise him of any important stuff so I can get as close as possible to "no contact" with him. I wish I could arrange the same for daughter; he's so weird, inconsistent and demanding with her. Thankfully she mostly just ignores him and his constant messages go unanswered...much like your daughter. Thank God our girls have the right idea!!
Anyway sorry for the rant I just soooooo relate. They need interlocking devices on mobile phones and tablets for A fathers, seriously!!
-- Edited by missmeliss on Tuesday 28th of July 2015 11:02:43 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
The unfortunate part is mine is dry for periods of time. The drunk behavior continues .. I never know what I'm going to get and I worry that my x will take it out on the kids when he sees them hence why I decided early contact would be better. He will have time to deal with whatever acting out now vs later. I decided to do the hand off at a pool hall I play at and my son is playing in a league there too. That will help him behave as well. He is very concerned with what other people think.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You have what I call the 'short-timer' attitude! You know you are soon on to bigger/better things and are truly excited! I am excited for you - sounds like your using your program to move your life forward in a positive way....yay for you and your kids!
It's HOT in TX - ha-ha-ha! You'll love it - it's a great place and sounds like an adventure towards peace.
Don't give him another worry - he's in your rear-view mirror figuratively. Soon for real - keep your dignity, grace and program close to your heart and all will be just fine!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
