The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
firstly - my heartfelt thanks for all the responses yesterday. I'm getting some good perspective. A question that is on my mind a lot is the best way to communicate with the addict. I'm not looking for answers - just other people's experience. I like the notion of responding and not reacting. In my own circumstance the person in question does not live near. When I did see her it oscillated between abuse and affection. Phone conversations were difficult too as the last few she was so inebriated she couldn't remember what she'd said and would often hang up. I last spoke to her eight weeks ago. It was just too painful. I cracked a few times and called a few times but she'd either not answer of then text to say she was detoxing. I stuck to just supportive texts - the tone of which was generally brief but loving. I composed many more abusive and accusational ones but these were more for my benefit and I never sent them. As time has gone on the texts have reduced from once a day to once a week. I consider that to be progress. I know when I was in active addiction I rarely responded to any person communicating with me. I was stuck in self. The last message I sent was by Facebook and was as follows:
Hey you. How are you doing after your visit to the police station? Is there anything I can do? I know when I was drinking, I pretty much shut down from the world around me. I was constantly afraid, constantly fearful and constantly ashamed. I feel guilty in part for feeling I could be doing more to support you but this is about keeping myself safe as opposed to me not caring about you. I very nearly drank when I came up to stay for a few days with you last month. I love and care for you dearly and I'm not afraid to say it. I pray with all my heart that you get well. I think of M who wanted to be an astronaut, vet or jockey as a child or the M who I sneaked with out of the AA meeting nearly a year ago, who played with her hair, half shy but with a vital and beautiful mind. I hope you read this. I don't expect a reply as I hardly ever responded to anything when I was unwell. I don't take it personally. Just know I am here for you. As always I'll sign off with words of compassion and love. Take care darling. Lots of love from me to you. Xxx
I'm not seeking affirmation that I've written the right thing it's just really hard to know if one is doing the right thing sometimes!
By Paul, that is a beautiful heartfelt letter. It is filled with l compassion, understanding and empathy. I just am not too clear as to why youwould post to" Facebook"and not privately to her. My understanding of Facebook is that others would be able to read it, and since it is a personal and private message regarding her" visit to the police station", that others may not know about, I confused as to the selection of that form of communication.
I would also like to ask you to do this for yourself ---examine your motives for wanting to continue this relationship. I understand supporting another alcoholic is part of your recovery-but so is learning how to take care of yourself physically, emotionally and physically. I also thought that it is recommended that there be no serious relationship for the first year in program-- protecting your sobriety is the most important thing you can do.
What I'm seeing is that you're very focused on her and your approach to her. Alcoholics can take all the focus we have and more, like a black hole. They are so unpredictable and changeable that we can be second-guessing ourselves about our approach forever. And even though there are the three C's (we didn't Cause it, we can't Cure it, we can't Control it), we harbor a hope that something we say will make a difference somehow.
The thing I'd like to raise is: what are you doing to take care of you? What ways will you support yourself today, regardless of what she does, or even not even thinking about what she does? I hope you will take as good care of you as you would take of anyone else. Go you.
HotRod - to clarify - it was via a private message. I would never communicate such things via any public means. She was assaulted on Saturday night and had her phone stolen. Private messaging gives more freedom of expression than a text.
Your other points are valid and something I need to look at. I don't think I'm going to like the results but I need to be aware of this.
You are correct, relationships are frowned on in early recovery. The chances of one alcoholic being in a good place post rehab is small, the chances of two is remote. This is in essence why I'm trying to deal with this proactively.
I think with any communication such as this I feel I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I loathe Facebook and only ever use private chat to communicate such things, it's the most respectful and appropriate way I can manage to communicate at present.......
Good points Mattie, all valid. Dealing with someone in addiction if horrible and there is a huge sense of second guessing.
In regards to helping myself, I'm active in fellowship, have a good circle of friends and family around me (gifts of my own recovery), I'm moving into a new property in September (another gift!) and restarting a wonderful job I thought I'd ruined through my own alcoholism in October. These have all occurred in spite of this situation. It would have been easy to lose track of these things and although it's been hard at times I've pursued and obtained them all.
When I walked into rehab 15 months ago I had nothing, people loved me but rightly distrusted me. In that time, I sold my house, cleared every debt I had, managed to have a nest egg, got the trust of my family and friends back, made some important amends and got back a job I should have lost.
There's a lot of good here but it's contingent upon me working hard every day. I know that this situation, if I don't address it directly could wreck this. I've come too far to let that happen.
Thanks for your replay Paul Sounds as if you and H P have connected and your life is on the upswing. Please keep taking acre of yourself and ty alanon it works.
Paul, I'm at close to 7 years sober. All I can say is that in another couple of years or less, you will wonder why you ever wanted this drama in your life and what you look for from relationships will grow with your program.
It must be hard to hear that she was assaulted and had her phone stolen. That shouldn't happen to anyone. I would never blame anyone for that happening. At the same time, we can only hope that this means she will take greater care to keep herself safe, and that if drinking was involved, it will be another piece of evidence of how dangerous drinking can be. It's important not to protect people from that evidence. (aka enabling).
Getting entangled with an active/relapsing alcoholic is a little bit like walking into a bar and saying "I'm going to save all this alcohol in here." I always remember the saying "Overfocusing on one thing is underfocusing on something else." Could there be something you're underfocusing on?
Thanks again Mattie - I too hope that the assault may steer her in the right way. It happened before a few months ago and it was a sexual assault. She'd gone out in her car whilst intoxicated and I'd pleaded to her to drive home. She asked a man for directions home, invited him back to her house, passed out and the man had tried to assault her in that time. She was upset and remorseful and said maybe it was the shock she needed but it didn't change a thing. I tried to be strong when she told me this but I broke down after the conversation. Nobody asks for that to happen, nobody deserves that to happen but sadly when alcohol is present these things occur. I wanted to protect her but I can't protect her from herself.
I believe the context of when I met her I was vulnerable - it felt so nice to be desired after the hell I'd put myself through. I think in truth I've pursued that feeling with the voracity of an addict and not stepped away in spite of the pain and heartache involved. The reality is both my parents were alcoholics, both of them died as a result of alcohol and both died before I was 30. I tried to help them, I spent much of my youth trying to. I became an alcoholic myself and it seems history is repeating itself.
I guess all I can do is deal with what's left. Try and understand and try to heal. I've not relapsed myself and I am fortunate.
I'm very much looking forward to the meeting tomorrow.
That is so very sad about your parents. It's no wonder you are moved to try to save an addict - any child would have frantically tried to save his parents, even though children don't have that power. And it's no wonder now that another "possible savable" addict comes along, your yearning to save someone would come into force. Maybe the person that you are destined to save is yourself. I very much hope so. You're worth it!
PF, I say this with respect to you, have you considered that you may be a trigger to her drinking alcohol? Maybe she is being advised to stay away from you. And I would say it doesnt make it easy for her if you continue communicating with her. Just something to think about. Take what you like and leave the rest. lsc.
Thanks again for all your comments. This situation triggers so much. That much is true.
I don't believe I've been a trigger. I'm not trying to act as I'm in denial but I think regardless of anything I may or may not have done the outcome sadly would have been the same. I do believe or surmise that prolonged and sustained contact would be detremental to us both, hence messages and no phone calls for well over a month.
Regardless though it's tough. It's odd to be going to my 'first' Al-Anon meeting but a good kind of odd if that makes any sense......
