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My sister and I have always been best friends. We are a year apart and are adult women. Today, she went to her first AA meeting. I'm so incredibly proud of her... I didn't really think about how far her drinking had gotten but she has always been really wild when she drinks. She has a hard time maintaining composure, so I thought she just couldn't handle it. But, now, after a really bad event on Saturday night and lots of talking yesterday, I realize that things were worse than I was able to process. She's had several failed relationships and has attributed that to drinking. Maybe we are so close that I haven't wanted to confront that. Other than failed relationships, she's a hard worker and a loving mom...
Anyway, I so *very* proud of her and glad that she went to a meeting. I was able to reach out to a friend who also goes to AA and get her some times and places of the meeting but she went on her own. I couldn't be more thrilled with her bravery and am so hopeful this will mean a fresh start for her. I really hope she can stick with it and get better. She's so amazing. Beautiful, smart, funny and just an awesome person all the way around.
And, selfishly, I wonder how this will affect our relationship. I'm kind of scared. I want her to get better but know that getting better sometimes means hurting more now. I also don't know what to do other than be there for her, not judge--but I'll be honest if she's being a turd, and try to be a resource. I know I can't drink around her anymore (and I do drink...and my husband owns a bar and grill, so this will be interesting but, hopefully not that big of a deal--she never goes there) and I know we should probably do fun, outdoor activities to stay busy. But what else? What else do I need to know? And what happens when she visits? Do I have to remove the wine bottles? What about things like going out to dinner? I just want to make this the best possible transition for her. And I don't want to lose her...I'm so scared that she won't want to be around me anymore.
I know this sounds really silly but I just don't know how else to support her right now and I'm honestly not ready to go to Al Anon.
Hey ChamHam welcome to the board and great hope for your sister. I read your post and get a different angle from it that maybe this is your Higher Power's move on you also. In program we learn (with a lot of work) to give up fear and replace it with love and that manipulation, power and control are tools that don't often work in power and control situations. Try let God and Let God from my experience that one works. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) for you and your sister.
Thank you both. That's a lot to chew on and I'll process it in time, I'm sure. I think you are both right about letting go of worry and fear. It's something I know works and I'm pretty good about that in my own personal issues but when it comes to my sister...clearly, there's always lots of room for improvement. ;) Pretty sure you just hit the nail on the head, Jerry. And I'm pretty sure that I shouldn't have read it at work because, whew, I kind of want to cry a little. In a good, sad, slightly relieved for being called out way, though. I promise I mean that nicely.
I need to face the fact that I'm horribly overprotective of my sister. I know that I can't control or change her, it won't work, but it's so tempting to make this easy on her. Sometimes it feels better (again, selfishly) to swoop in and take care of people. I'm a fixer. I hate seeing her struggle and, on the other hand, am really glad that I have struggled because it's helped me grow. So, in other words, after reading that, it's fairly clear that I'm trying to control this situation but, dang, is it hard to apply what you know to every day life.
The funny part is that we had a people in and out of recovery living with us when we were children. My parents were sort of the home for struggling young adults. So, I know all the buzz words, could recite most of the steps back to you and recognize that AA can work miracles but, to be totally frank, I'm resentful of that in my childhood and all of the diagnosing of what was wrong with everybody all the time. That's where my lack of interest in meetings comes in...On the other hand, I recognize that folks in Al Anon have more knowledge than I do and more experience so I want to reach out. I also really love my sister and am super amazed that she had the guts to go so I'm feeling really supportive of her for lots of reasons. Honestly, that got a whole lot easier yesterday when she owned her actions. As much as I love her, I've been pretty frustrated at her choices just as I know she has been at mine in the past. :) And I so want to be there for her and not be a hindrance to her recovery.
My focus will be on her success, to be sure, but it's hard not to be afraid of the unknown. I'll think about Al Anon... and tonight, I'll take a long bath and maybe try to do something fun instead of dwelling on all of this. Thank you both again. I welcome your feedback and thoughts...
In your First Post I Seen "What Can I Do" and I Can tell you Being a Recovering Alcoholic Myself, Just BE YOU :) When I Quit I didn't want No Special Treatment, I Just wanted Others to Accept that "I" Was Willing and Ready to Change ME... And tho Some Where Not on Board with My Sobriety...And those are the Ones I had to Distance Myself From till I got a Handle on My Alcohol and Could Get to a better Place where it wasn't Always on my Mind.., I had to Learn a Different Life Style then I had Known all my life, I had to Learn Other Ways to "Have Fun" that didn't mean hanging in a bar, or going to Party's till I knew I was Strong Enough to Know My Limits... and I Sure didn't want to Spend My Down time with people Bombarding me with Questions and Talking about Alcohol...
For Me I Just Wanted to Live My Life, and Take Care of Me, and Do My Best to Stay on Track... This October I will be 5yrs Sober... and tho I Only Go at it One Day at a Time, I know I will Make it to that 5yr mark as Long as I have breathe in Me ;) I can Hear in your Post How Much you Love your Sister, and I Can tell you I Envy that Deeply, My (2) Sisters Got Pretty Speachless when I Quit Drinking because they seen it as I was Trying to Change them too... Since they Now Realize it wasn't about them at all, it was All About me, We are Now Very Close, and My One Sister Even Decided a Year ago that She too Don't Need Alcohol and is One Year Sober (With No Program)... She Did what was Best for Her, and I Did what was best I Feel For Me ;)
We All Want to Help "Save & Help" Our loved Ones, Its our Nature, but the Best thing I Found is to be there in Support,... What I Needed Most was the "Understanding" that This is what I Needed to Do with My Life, and what Others Choose to do with theirs is Completely up to them but I Need this New Beginning to be About Me...
Al-Anon is a Wonderful Place to Learn how to do just that ;) And if your Not Ready for Face to Face meetings Yet, that is OK too... Because Right Here a MIP We have Meetings a couple times a Day, and You can Always come here and Share, and you will see how Healing it can be for all...
Wishing You Luck on Your Next New Journey with your Sister, and Very Happy she made such a Great Life Changing Choice to Seek Out Help for Her... All Wonderful things... And You too Should be Proud... Because You Love Her Just as She Is... Sometimes that's All it Takes...
Thank you all so much. I'm in tears with your supportive replies. I just read yours, Jozie, out loud to my husband. I'm crying and he's misty eyed. That's exactly what I needed to hear.
And congrats on five years of sobriety. That is absolutely wonderful and I can feel the strength and peace in your words. What a wonderful welcome. Thanks all.
I too welcome you to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you posted.
I arrived at AA 27+ years ago, got sober and stayed sober. It's been a remarkable journey and one that I will cherish until I pass from this Earth. I had to laugh - last Christmas, two of my cousins asked if I minded that they have a cocktail with brunch. I wanted to say, you've been doing it for 27 years, why on Earth would you ask now....? Instead, I just said, Not an issue - perfectly fine with me.
I was quite young when I arrived and I was quite crazy before so. I have a large family and there is tons of Alcohol at all events. The AA program gives tools, guidance and support for the person in recovery on how to handle any/all situations. Like Jozie - I just wanted folks to treat me 'normal' - the issue....nobody knew what that was as I was the first who walked into the rooms. Since, two others of my generation have arrived; neither has stayed sober.
So - be you. Love her. You can ask anything as you always would. Be prepared for any answer, as she may/may not want to share. It's tough giving up your crutch and your true best friend (booze). It's new, different, strange, tough and enjoyable as a new freedom in ways that are very hard to describe. So - follow her lead and love her no matter what. She may be snippy; she may not. Don't take it personal - she's just adjusting!!
She will tell you what she's comfortable doing. No - I would not invite her out to a martini lunch in the near future, but certainly don't avoid her either. Many in my family did this and it made me sad until I realized that with some family members, that was our bond - the booze/party. If she tells you she can't do something, most likely she isn't comfortable in that situation - again, just love her and accept the answer.
I understand your thoughts about Al-Anon. When my sponsor tried to talk me into this side of the program, I know I rolled my eyes. I was already working one program and now you want me to add more to my plate? I have 2 sons who are both Alcoholics + my husband. I was so busy managing their chaos/drama, I didn't see how I would have time to add another recovery program to my life.....well - that was kind of the point. I needed to be looking at me, and taking care of me. I needed to stop trying to control, fix, cure, coach, counsel and God knows what else for 'them'. My relationships with my immediate family members was all give, give, give and nodda lot in return.
So, I begrudgingly landed in Al-Anon. My first meeting was 'so-so' as my mind was quasi-closed. My second meeting was awesome. I found a group that was very loving, open, honest and helpful beyond belief. Between that group and here, my life has changed beyond words. I attend meetings now for both and have learned how to mind my own business, manage my own growth and live my life happily no matter what those I love are doing. I have never - in 28 years - left a meeting feeling equal or worse than when I arrived. It's the cheapest therapy in the entire world, and worth it. Both sides of the program give me other people who truly understand me and what I am going through. This happens even if they don't know me or my whole story. The disease affects everyone differently, but many of the symptoms and results are very similar across those who are Alcoholics and those who love/live with them. It's strange how it happens, but it does.
I have jokingly said time and time again in my local meetings that there are only 3 different places where I have felt 100% welcome and at ease. The first was the alcoholics, the second - those in recovery from the disease and the third is Al-Anon. I have no pretenses, no agenda, no expectations - I just have to show up and I am loved and supported and understood.....pretty incredible!!
Sorry for the long-winded response! Both recovery journey(s) for me have been the best things that have ever happened in my life, and my hope is this helps you and your sister. Take what you like and leave the rest (another program slogan that really helps!).
Keep coming back!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Monday 27th of July 2015 10:23:28 PM
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks everybody! Iamhere, I think my sister's experience will be similar to you and Jozie's. She really wants me to be normal but I will not be having a beer or glass of wine around her...she doesn't care but I do. I don't need a drink but I do need my sis. :) I simply don't want one near her...it would make me sad I couldn't have one, too, if I were her, so I don't need to do that to her. Maybe in a while, maybe not.
We had a really nice talk last night. The cool thing is that we've always been very close and honest with each other about our feeling towards each other and our family. In other words, we're a bit blunt. LOL However, she has not always been honest about everything else. She wants everyone to think that her life is perfect and then it implodes. Every time she meets someone, she falls in love super fast and they are perfect, she can't stop talking about them...and then they are awful. There's never a transition and it blindsides everyone. Now, though, she's really talking things through with me and telling me her thoughts about her boyfriend and this process, which is nice. It's good to share with each other about real things...I don't love the guy she's with but he's her choice and I can respect that. She felt the same with my husband and he's turned out to be the best thing that's ever happened to me. So I recognize that people can change...and I also recognize that if he doesn't get better with her she will eventually leave. We talked about that last night.
We had some serious talks about our family last night (we do this often, ha!) and it brought some light on the subject. I think we both know that most of the people in our family tend to over do things--drinking, loving, worrying, etc.--and it was probably healthy for her to gently point out a few things about me. See why I love her?
We share an unusually close bond and I'm glad that we do. We've been through a lot together and I don't anticipate that we'll ever be apart. I certainly won't leave her alone in this process. If anything, we've become so much more close in the past 10 months and do more fun stuff (mostly outdoor, healthy stuff) together than we have in the past several years, so I anticipate that will continue. In fact, she has become a much better sister in the past year and I hope I have, too. Much calmer and happier in general, so I think this has been brewing for a while.
Anyway, I think this whole process will prove to be wonderful in the long run. She supported me through my depression and anger and I will do the same for her. I'm grateful to have her, my husband and my parents, who I adore but sometimes make me looney. I've been hoping for a long time that she will learn to understand and process the hurts we had as little kids but also the hurts that have come through life choices. It's not that I'm perfect but I've been lucky to have a really fantastic counselor and a spouse who keeps me mindful. I also recognize I have a lot to learn through this process and am feeling more in control of my drinking habits now, too, and recognize this is not just and issue for her. I know I need to be aware of that and also know it's gone too far for me as well at certain times in my life. So, I guess, really, this will help all of us. And while I'm not ready to commit to abstaining, I can commit to living in a more healthy way. My husband is also on board. I'm hoping this is the wake up call we all needed, quite frankly.
I did tell her that I want her to tell me when I'm being helpful and if I'm not. She was cool with that...and think she will be honest about it. My husband and I also talked last night and he really thought I haven't overstepped and have been nothing but supportive and I *know* he'd tell me. But she doesn't seem to think I have either, so I hope I can keep that up. LOL. She did express some frustration with other family members, so I'll just try to avoid the behavior she told me about. She also told me the meeting went great, that she has a sponsor and that she met a really nice girl. They are going to chat over the phone while the other girl is on vacation, which is a scary first visit home for her. I think it's really wonderful she's found a few nice people already.
I'm looking forward to the time that she can find a completeness and recognizes that she doesn't need anyone but herself to stay afloat. I'm also looking forward to the time where she knows that and it translates into someone who adores her, treats her with respect and kindness and is "real". I so want that for her...whether it's this guy or another.
Thanks again...guess this will be a process for all of us.
-- Edited by ChamHam on Tuesday 28th of July 2015 10:57:46 AM
ChamHam - you two are very lucky to have each other! It sounds like you both will do perfectly.
Kudos to her for getting a sponsor and a friend. Most of my best friends are also program people. It's lovely to be able to 'be real' and honest in all conversations. No guards up and no agendas.
Kudos to you for being willing to support her unconditionally!
(((Hugs))) to you both as you move forward. Hugs to your hubby too - glad he's willing to tell you 'truthfully' if you've been naughty or nice - ha.ha.ha.ha!
Take care and keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm super happy she's making friends already. It will be good to hang out with people have a similar lifestyle. She went again today. Couldn't be more excited for her...
Yep, we're pretty lucky! When we were kids and would fight, my mom would make us sit on the couch and hold hands. We'd squeeze and squeeze the other's hand until it hurt really, really bad...but you couldn't whine or you'd be a wimp. Instead, we would laugh-yelp. Pretty soon, we'd both be cracking up. As far as I'm concerned, my mom's a genius. She made us a team even when we were mad at each other. I once asked her if she knew we just ended up mad at her and talking about her and she thought it was hilarious. She was like "Of course I did! I heard everything you said! But it made you make up, so it was worth it". Brilliant, I tell ya, brilliant.
I agree, I'm lucky all the way around. I sent my hubby a little love letter to thank him for all his help today. He's a pretty outstanding guy. Our family has plenty of love to spare even if we do stupid stuff sometimes.
I'll continue to come back. You guys have been a great resource. Thank you all.
But she doesn't seem to think I have either, so I hope I can keep that up. LOL. She did express some frustration with other family members, so I'll just try to avoid the behavior she told me about. She also told me the meeting went great, that she has a sponsor and that she met a really nice girl. They are going to chat over the phone while the other girl is on vacation, which is a scary first visit home for her. I think it's really wonderful she's found a few nice people already.