The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is an alcoholic. We've been together for 7 years and married for 4 years, we also have a 16 month old son.
My husband has always been a problem drinker, he always overdid it and every social event or occasion inevitably resulted in him drinking, usually until he passed out or until everybody else had left or gone to bed. For many years he drank every day, his excuse was that he was a young man and just wanted to enjoy life. I always thought his drinking was a bit excessive but I assumed (stupidly) that he would calm down as he got older and more mature. He hasn't.
He is an alcoholic. He cannot even last 1 month without going on some sort of binge. I recently gave him an ultimatum, quit or we will leave. As I have now realised ultimatums don't work. He stopped drinking for 2 months (I thought). 3 days ago I found out that he had relapsed and was drinking in secret whilst away on business trips. This has since escalated and he's been on 3 binges in just over a week. Saturday he was out all night by himself drinking, came home at 2am and passed out in the kitchen. After a discussion yesterday in which I asked him to move out he disappeared on another binge which lasted almost 12 hours.
Usually the binges escalate until he is drinking daily. Then he'll do something stupid like abuse family members via text or drive drunk to the shop or turf me out of bed in the middle of the night and start screaming.
I am no longer in love with him. I feel like my relationship is over and the person I thought he was isn't even there anymore.
I would be a liar if I said I didn't feel responsible for him. He is the Father of my child and I do worry about him constantly. Lately though my worry has been on how his behaviour is affecting my life and my son's life. I'm worried he will lose his job and we will lose our home. My life-savings are tied up in this house and he's risking it all by being a drunken pig.
I despise him. I hate the fact that he has humiliated me in front of my family. He has squeezed every last drop out of me and I'm so codependent I no longer know who I am or what I want. I am a shell.
EDIT - Spelling
-- Edited by Braavos on Monday 27th of July 2015 05:26:32 AM
Good morning Braavos welcome to Miracles in Progress. I can readily identify with the feelings that you expressed and the concern and anxiety that you are living with. Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic, progressive disease that can be arrested and never cured. Living with the disease we too become negatively affected and need a program of recovery of our own.
Al-Anon is the recovery program for family members and AA is for the member who drinks. It was in Al-Anon that I learned that I didn't cause this disease cannot control it and cannot cure it. Because of these simple truths,the best I could do was to keep the focus on myself and learn how to act in my own best interest instead of reacting in an attempt to solve the unsolvable.
I urge you to search out face-to-face meetings in your community by checking the white pages for the hotline number and to keep coming back here because we cannot do this alone
Welcome to MIP. So very glad you found us and had the courage to share. So very sorry for your current circumstances too - living with this disease is beyond not fun.
Alcoholism is a progressive, cunning, baffling and powerful disease which can not be cured but can be arrested. The key for recovery starts with accepting the disease and then working daily to avoid the first drink. For those of us who love an alcoholic or live with the disease, we get so wrapped up in their actions, attitudes and choices that we do often loose ourselves and get just as 'sick' as they are.
Al-Anon can provide an opportunity for recovery for those who love, live with or are affected by the disease. I would recommend that you try to find local F2F (face to face) meetings, and attend. You can find incredible ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) there as well as literature and more information.
I see you have a small child, so if attending local meetings is a challenge, MIP has meetings twice a day online, and you can find the schedule up at the top, to the left.
Please know that you are not alone. We are all just a post away and will offer all the support we can. Keep coming back and you can find peace and happiness again, no matter what is going on around you.
(((Hugs))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome to Miracles In Progress (MIP), so happy you found us and thank you for sharing with us as well!
I learned in Al-Anon that Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic and fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured, it is therefore a life long disease, which requires the alcoholic to commit to a life long program of recovery.
You did not cause the alcoholism nor can you make the alcoholic stop drinking, we are indeed powerless over the alcoholic. We who live with the disease are very much affected by it and need our own program of recovery (Al-Anon), because of the chaos the disease causes, it makes us ill as well .
I learned to let go of the my AHs problems with empathy and love (called DETACHMENT), you can be supportive but you cant force someone to get help nor can you change the way alcoholic treats you.
You will also learn how to be more mindful that you have your own life and destiny and not rely on the alcoholic in your life to make you happy. AA is a recovery program for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is a recovery program for family members. Al-Anon, like AA holds face-to-face meetings in most communities and the hotline number is usually listed in your local the telephone directory or on the internet and you can come and talk with the us, the members of MIP.
Al-anon tools, steps, traditions, slogans, prayers and meditations helps us to turn the focus on ourselves to gain and maintain our peace, serenity and dignity. Everyone works at their own pace (Easy Does It) and the support from all the members is invaluable!
There are meetings on this board two times a day and you can work the 12 steps and traditions here on this board as well. Al-Anon works when you work it! I highly recommend buying the book Courage To Change, it has daily readings that helps us live one day at a time. Please come back any time to talk with us. You are not alone.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Braavos, that was a painfully poignant share. I can relate to it and I think most others here can too. You have described the dilemma of being in a relationship with an alcoholic in vivid detail, as well as the havoc it wreaks upon the spouse/partner. He will have his own path in his disease and/or recovery (ideally). Usually, it takes some catastrophic loss and major demoralization on their part to get into recovery, and even then, recovery is a long, ongoing, and challenging journey. For you, recovery is similar, yet different. He would have to find out who he is and what makes him the person he is underneath all that destructive alcoholic drinking. You have self discovery to do to find out who you are and what makes you happy apart from this relationship. Alanon can keep you sane through this process whatever happens with him. It will support your growth towards finding your own happiness and path either with or without him.
