Abf turned up here late Wednesday night. Surprisingly he didn't walk right in but stood on the doorstep, handed me my long-lost bag, and told me "I came to give your bag back. I'd love to come in and see you but if you don't want me here, I'll turn around and go home and no hard feelings, I'll just tell you that I love you and I'll go home and wait until you decide you want to see me".

I was completely torn between being happy to see him and angry with the unannounced visit so I settled on doing it it in true codie style by inviting him in and then being angry with him for a few hours. Until he actually ended up crying, which shocked me back into reality. He asked if I could please stop being angry long enough to actually pay attention to what he says and does sometimes because he's trying everything he can to turn his life around and I don't seem to see any of it or listen to a word he says and instead I keep insisting on seeing him as a villain. Which, it's true, I do. And to be fair for the last 9 months, aside from a couple of instances of coming here drunk and being an irritating pain in my butt, he's actually been doing pretty well. I keep trying to insist he's an ass and he can only ever be an ass, and I hate it when people do that to me so that was a little lesson for me.

So he stayed, for 5 days in the end, and he was very helpful and friendly, and he didn't drink and asked me if I'd mind not bringing out any alcohol while he was here so he wouldn't get the itch but he re-iterated that he would go home the moment I asked him to with no argument (meaning if I wanted to have a drink he wouldn't mind, he'd just go home, which was a very new and mature approach to the topic which I liked very much). Anyway I have been burning the candle at both ends lately so I took some time out to hang out with him and it was really nice.

Interestingly on more than a few occasions we started bickering (old habits die hard) and he was the one to arrest the argument each time, saying "Actually you know what? You're probably right Mel. Can we not waste time fighting?" which I have to admit stopped me in my tracks; it's another very new approach from him.

Anyway he left tonight, because he has class tomorrow and wanted to be home to wash and dry his clothes (note he didn't bring them for me to wash, wow!!! lol) and get an early night.

SO. Firstly no, I'm not getting all gooey eyed and contemplating diving into a mess with him. I'm just happy with the way this visit went, happy that I felt at ease with him, and happy to see how much better he seems in himself as well. It was nice and I really enjoyed the closeness. But we've both got very long roads ahead of us and the fastest way to end both of our journeys would be to re-attach to each other on a daily basis.

It does impress me that he is pulling his life together willingly and without my input. Attending classes, job interviews, paying off debts, buying a car, eating healthy, not drinking etc. I like him getting healthy and knowing its not anything to do with me. The only role I have in his path forward is staying out of his way and that's such a HUGE change from life a year ago where we both held me responsible for everything he did and I did nothing and claimed it as because i was too overwhelmed looking after him...

I also have to say I like that he has paid a lot of attention to the things I have said I want and need and when we talk I feel heard and respected; that's new!

Back when we parted ways one of the things I told him was the worst about our relationship was that he seemed to not know a single thing about me, and that I felt as if he could swap me for any other woman in the world and not even notice I was different for all the attention he paid. So now he makes a big point of knowing all that there is to know about me, finding recipes for food I'd enjoy, making a point of remembering things I have said or turning up the radio when one of my songs comes on and shouting "You like this song!!!!". Its kind of funny. And nice not to feel invisible. And he mostly listened and asked questions instead of droning on and on and on...it was a side of him i enjoyed. He's certainly making a big effort to show me he's listening and trying.

So, you know, it could turn and it probably will and back and around again, it's such very early days. And he is still a horrendous pain in the posterior when he drinks which is not something I can see myself ever tolerating again. But the week was nice. I enjoyed it. I learnt a few things myself, like, listening instead of sitting on my throne with my crown pulled over my ears and judging. And that sometimes it's OK to just enjoy the day and not frantically run into the future trying to decide exactly what is going to be.

And although I didn't get any work done for a few days and I am insanely busy AND I start on-campus classes this week...a break has energised me to no end. It was absolutely what I needed. I'm happy and not in an uh-oh way but just...happy. Life is good just for right now.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 26th of July 2015 11:39:10 AM