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I am visiting in-laws this weekend. Instead of being pleasant and relaxing, it's been stressful, tense, and drama filled. There are dynamics that are so crazy it's making my head spin. It does directly relate to damage from alcoholism and fallout from former allegiences and past abuse from my husband's recently deceased alcoholic father. One of my husband's siblings was under the thumb of the alcoholic father for over 20 years. They had a large falling out in the 3 years or so preceding their father's death. This resulted in changes in what he thought he might inherit from the estate. Anyhow, the brother in law has had loke a major breakdown since the death of their father. He recently divorced, had to start over in a new career as he worked for the alcoholic father for his whole life prior. Brother in law has moved back close to my mother in law and is basically getting reparented, but is also pulling the victim card right and left and is getting enabled by mother in law whom I guess feels sort of valued and grateful to have her son back from the evil clutches of their now deceased alcoholic father who was abusive to her and whom she divorced over 30 years ago.
So...basically, brother in law is a rather traumatized ACOA with his own questionable drinking problem. He is clutched on to mother in law so tight she is going nuts and hating him and trashing him while nurturing, smothering, and enabling him at the same time to the detriment of her friendships, marriage to husband's stepfather, and her health...but she can't seem to stop. Both mother in law and brother in law were consumed with themselves this entire weekend. They never asked about me, the new job...nothing. Not once. The dragged my husband into bullcrap arguments about ancient history and money. It was tiresome.
I love my in-laws. Sometimes I believe they think they are great just for being supportive of our marriage (gay marriage). And I am grateful for that. I'm not angry with them as much as worried and frustrated. I am glad I never had children during my active alcoholism. My husband's mother made a comment yesterday "All this chaos caused by and left in the wake of one abuse alcoholic." It's not that simple, but in somr ways it is. We will fly home today. I will detach. I have things to do and a new job to start this week. I was hoping for a relaxing weekend but that didn't happen.
Thanks for checking in Mark You know family dynamics are tiresome , predictable and without program tools down right devastating.
Seeing the dysfunction, up close and personal and not buying in , but staying detached is hard work. I am glad you came through and are on the way home looking forweard to your new job and great life.
Good work Mark-- Remember assuming that we will have a good time is an expectation that is difficult to break but oh so important to do so.
Oh the fun of inlaw drama.
I swear Abf's family used to put it on as a special show for the company; life could just not be that dramatic and traumatic for them on a daily basis. But my family put on a different kind of show I guess; a "we are all so incredibly normal, look at how freaking normal we are" show lol. It's no less absurd really.
Isn't it nice to be able to walk away and back to a calmer reality where our tools usually work and detaching is easier. Yay for being home!!
Sorry your weekend wasn't the recharge you were hoping for...although sometimes I find in spite of my best efforts to not be a drama-junkie, sometimes "other people's drama" can be recharging too.
Hugs.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
pinkchip - so sorry for the chaos and dysfunction during your visit. The one great thing about visiting family that brings about chaos and craziness is it makes me grateful for the program, my efforts, the tools and my serenity I select to strive for each day.
Prayers and positive thoughts to you and your hubby as you travel home and best to you as you start your new job!!! This family is proud of you and wishes you the BEST in your new position!!
(((Hugs))) to you both!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm reading your post and the responses and nodding my head feeling how good it feels to get home back to your peace after time spent in chaos land. Sometimes don't you want to drag some people into Al-Anon? not that it would do any good but ya wanna!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Thanks all! Brother in law did go to alanon a while believe it or not, but from my observation only used it as a place to gripe and blame the A father for all his problems while simultaneously sucking up to him in hopes of a large inheritance that he never got. Which is not to say the A father did not do a number on him. He did. I guess that "not my monkeys phrase" would be applicable....
All I have to say is, "Well, thank goodness they don't live around the corner from you......"
As you said, not your circus, not your monkeys!
Insanity is hard to detach from when you are in the same house or vicinity of someone than it is to detach from a distance. Sounds like you need a vacation from your vacation. Glad you are heading home tonight!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
My in-laws have decided that I'm the worlds most horrible person since I took the kids and stayed at my own parents for four nights while my wife was hitting the sauce pretty hard last week and it was upsetting for them. They live 400 miles away and they're p*ssed because I didn't tell them then drive to meet them halfway with the kids so that they could look after them! they don't seem to get that a) that's impractical and b) the kids need things to be as stable as possible and them being 400 miles away from BOTH parents is downright daft! My folks live two minutes from me, so it was the only real option!
I know that my in laws will be difficult to deal with because it's their "little girl" we're dealing with here but sometimes I just wish they'd grow up a little and help out rather than try to control everything.
Stevie they too would benefit greatly from alanon. I would suggest it to them the next time you speak.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and they can look in the white pages for the number. The literature that is available at most meetings is also extremely helpful. I like:" Alcoholism the Family Disease", the little "Just for Today" bookmark and the Merry go Round Named Denial booklet. If they cannot attend meetings the literature will help.
Thanks for checking in Mark You know family dynamics are tiresome , predictable and without program tools down right devastating.
that is difficult to break but oh so important to do so.