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This is a very confusing time. I have been out of my house for 2 weeks. My 10 and 12 yr old sons our at home with him. I have no idea if he is drinking but at least they are all just at home, not really going anywhere.
I have had a strong desire to not be in the same house with him for at least 14 months - since he first got sober - and even before then. Our counselor has seen where we each and both are, and shared that she does not believe we should be living under the same roof. Too volatile, too fragile, too much individual work to be done. She also saw clearly how he is so unable to be accountable or honest (before a slip/blow-up). She suggested he look for a place, for awhile, so he can take some stuff off his plate and focus on himself, his recovery, his new job. He refused. He will not leave our home. The home we were only able to buy thanks to great generosity from my parents in the past. The home we just finished renovating after 2 years. He said, "it's my home". "I love my home." Our counselor pointed out it's my home too, and I love it too, but he just can't see past his own needs. He said, "I haven't done anything wrong". So, since I can't live with the lack of honesty, lack of working a recovery program, etc, I am moving out.
There is very little to rent in our small town but hopeful one place will work out - an acquaintance of mine lived there after getting divorced, and found it to be an empowering place, so I am hoping to meet the landlord today and make that happen.
I just got an office job for the first time in 13 years (since becoming a mom), and am starting half-time later this week.
I am quailing at the thought of having to find furniture, beds, etc. Trying to take it one step at a time.
The biggest worry is my kids. They could come here, but they want to be home. My 10 year old son is mad at me. He sees me as the one wrecking everything, because I have left. In his mind, "dad isn't drinking anymore" so everything is fine and I should just come home and I should just get along with dad. I bite my lip, and melt down inside at the thought of being seen as the "bad guy" in our family. The kids will have to be with me at least half the time, and they just want to be home and with their pets. We have a dog, 2 cats, a bunch of chickens, and a lot of land. The dream was to garden, build forts and swings, and live a country life. Instead, it has been chaos, confusion and unhappiness. I am trying to let go of the dream and just see the reality... feel like I am living in a hall of mirrors...
One thing I am grateful for is all the deep and insightful sharing that takes place here. It is really a beacon of hope and sanity - thank you.
Hi. Have u talked to an attorney? Before u leave your house and kids be sure u consult with one bc your ah could try and say u abandon them and get child support. If u move back (and trust me I hate to say this) and then have the court say u can stay in the house or have him go to store and change the locks and tell the police he is abusive u get the house and kids. I am not sure what is best but please find out and go to courthouse and find the free legal advise or something. I would make the kids stay with you though. I know it is hard but please, please contact a lawyer and protect yourself and your kids rights and future.
I'm sorry to say it so bluntly! But I would get the kids and explain to them why if u all have to u will stay somewhere else to have peace. U r there only support and I know every situation is different but first I would get a lawyer and then I would get those kids. I am not saying any of this right and I am sorry about that. U can get your kids go to the courthouse and explain to them he is an alcoholic and they can do any emergency hearing and get him out of the house. U and your children have rights and it takes a week or too but stay with a friend and it might be better, only u can decide. God bless and u r in my prayers.
I would strongly suggest talking to a lawyer pronto.
1. I hate to see you getting bullied by an alcoholic/dry drunk in denial. The statement "I didn't do anything wrong!" speaks volumes to me. We ALL do stuff wrong. All of us. Only a still sick drunk lacks humility to that degree that he would offer such a childish response to systematic and deeply rooted relationship and life problems.
2. I don't want to see you face any legal or custodial consequences for "abandonment" of the house or kids. We get it here. We understand your motives and why you are moving. I just would like to see you legally protected more for your sake and the kids'.
Thank you. I have spoken with a lawyer. She suggested that, given the situation, I get a transitional space for awhile. I did ask if there was anything I needed to make sure not to do, to "CYA" (cover my gushy) for the future, and she said things like taking kids out of state, etc. But she thought temporary relocating would not harm my situation.
You know what is REALLY confusing? Our counselor thinks he is not an alcoholic. And last year our priest said the same thing. Now, they both say he is a problem drinker for sure. But they think he doesn't have the disease - it is more that he is making bad choices and falling back on bad patterns instead of breaking them. And, they both know A-ism well. The priest used to be an alcohol and drug counselor... saw hundreds of people... and the counselor was married to, and left, an A.
For his sake, and the kids' sake, I hope he isn't an A. But for me, it makes things way more confusing! Because he IS exhibiting all of these behaviors, stinking thinking, denial, lack of accountability, etc. If he is an A, I can work on having compassion. But if he is just a problem drinker, where does that leave me? Can I apply Alanon wisdom to that? I mean, I know I can apply the general principles to anyone in my life, but every time someone explains his behavior by saying, "of course he will do that, he is an A"... and then I think, "but maybe he's not?"... I do know that HE thinks he isn't, but he really is in denial about life.
Also, helpangel, my understanding from my attorney and others is that it is hard to do that kind of stuff if there is no record. I have never called the cops on him, he hasn't had a DUI or any kind of anything. It is just secret drinking that leads to verbal abuse of me and feeling unsafe... but no witnesses, etc. Also, I don't yet want to go to the courts. I am not ready to proceed with divorce, even though this is where we will go if he does not embrace recovery... and I know I can't control that... but I just want to ease out at the moment and get a break from the insanity.
oh, and one more thing that adds to the confusion...
I told our counselor that I think he is begin manipulative to say he "can't" move out of the house. She said, from meeting and talking with him regularly, paying attention to everything about him, that she really believes he is not capable of it. She said, 'he is just surviving right now' and he won't do anything different until he gets really uncomfortable (and maybe not even then).
There is a big part of me that doesn't want to be in our house. It has some pretty bad memories now. And it's kind of isolated. I just don't want to be walking away from it forever, though if we get divorced, that will likely happen. But for now, it might be better to be in town where kids can walk places and not depend on anyone driving, and I will have support of friends who are also neighbors.
(((Hugs))), prayers and positive thoughts your way. Please take good care of yourself and continue consulting with legal and any other support you have.
I am hopeful that you can find the peace you desire to move forward, no matter what that looks like.
Keep coming back and we'll all be here as best we can!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I just know from my experiences and a couple of friends of mine that there was an issue of leaving the martial home and my friend stayed for a month with her ex till they could get the attorneys involved and get things sorted out, however maybe every state is different. For myself I actually had my therapist write up a letter and summit it to the courts and was able to get him out of the house but I kept my daughter the whole time. He is probably building his case against u already and if there is no proof that he is an alcoholic then that makes it hearsay and your kids could be stuck with him if he is as mean as u think he is. My first husband tried everything even kidnapped my daughter. Please just be careful..finding the strength now to deal with it now then or dealing with him for your whole kids upbringing is another kind of abuse. I fought and won sole custody it took three years but I sold everything, filed bankruptcy and kicked and screamed to get away from him. Then while I wasn't paying attention I married another one that was worse than the first one. But luckily I have no kids with this one and I just got away from him. Needless to say I am staying away from men for awhile till I get my head on straight. The first was a narrassic then second an alcoholic.
Big hugs and I'm so sorry you are going through this, if I were to look at myself during that time you are talking about and I was lucky .. my XAH just left. I would tell myself to stand in my own truth and not be worried about how others saw the situation .. very honestly .. they don't have to live it. The kids and I did and according to even his own atty and MY XAH has 3 DUI's technically. He wasn't an alcoholic.
Trust me when I say his atty's tune changed a great deal after he went and I had to take out an OP .. he wound up in the psych ward .. it was stupid crazy. It takes time and all of my talking about how crazy he was made me sound even more crazy. So I stopped and got my popcorn out, sat and waited and trust me there is still a show about every 6 - 9 months based upon what is or is not going on.
I'm very, very glad you went and spoke to an atty. I guess I'm a little confused and it doesn't matter if the kids are staying with you or still with your AH. As far as the kids go .. mine were 12 and 7 when this all started getting really stupid .. I was honest with them. They understand with the help of therapy that their dad loves them .. they understand that he does the best he can .. his best just kind of sucks at times .. they understand he's just not ok. I have taken some heat about my attitude regarding this stuff however you know what .. as a kid with what I went through and what my dad later pulled .. I would rather have everything out in the open so that they know where I was at and coming from during this time .. my dad instead of taking responsibility for him being absent from my life blamed my mom and she took a lot of grief she shouldn't have over that .. I'm not baring misguided anger. A misfire yes .. misguided not so much.
I'm so grateful I had Alanon under my belt at that point because with the help of family and of my alanon family I got through many difficult times. So if you aren't attending face to face meetings I really do encourage you to .. I don't know what your situation is and I apologize if you have already shared it my reading is hit and miss based upon what is going on. I really needed that additional support.
Other than that keep the focus on you as much as possible .. I know how hard it is when what they are doing really does directly affect what you are trying to accomplish. My XAH still has not signed paperwork and how hard can that be? That's just not my issue at this point.
Anyway, good luck and it will get better.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Oceanpine, I really feel for you. The dry drunk is a pain where the sun don't shine, like dealing with a sullen sulky teenager. Many people have the response of denial to an alcoholic, its part of the sickness. If we tell ourselves an alcoholic only looks like (insert stereotype here) then we can avoid addressing our own elephants and all the pain that comes with them. Counsellors, preists, lawyers, laypeople are not above or beyond denial, but you are and that is what matters. Stay well, eat good food, exercise. Strong clear mind is a great assert. Wrapping you in warmth. I believe your reality as you are experiencing it, you are not imagining things.(((oceanpine))).
