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A couple of months ago I told my A fiance he had to leave after a really long dry spell we had a night from hell (yet again) I told him when he came back and we talked (my aspergers 11 yr old had a breakdown and ended up in the er) if he was going to live here he was going to have to be sober I wasn't living like this 12 years was long enough, he said he got it was calm and understanding I told him the only way it would work is if he went to meetings. He has not and now he's telling me he's going to a cookout tomorrow a childhood friend along with plenty of other drinking friends will be there. So now we are fighting again about his drinking again he's saying the same old crap "it's not like before I won't even be coming here it doesn't affect you" and the swearing and name calling on his part begin. I'm so tired......I told him if this is what he's gonna do then we need to figure out what is going to happen because again I'm not living like this. He tells actually yelled at me that he's not going to AA meetings and hanging out with people who don't drink. So be it his choice, and not living in a life of insanity is my choice I'm so angry and fed up I'm tired of having my words twisted and him blaming my deceased father who was an alcoholic for the 15 yrs of my life and sober for the last 22 for the way that I feel. I didn't want him to come back a couple months ago but my son was a mess and things were good until now......my record is broken and I want it fixed! Thanks for taking time and reading my ever so familiar story.
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
Hello Holly I am so sorry that this painful disease has again disrupted your life Glad you came here and please keep coming back as well as your face to face meetings . ODAT with courage, wisdom and serenity we get to walk a different road.
His choice has already affected you and he hasn't gone to the bbq yet . Yelling , and calling you names does affect you and your family. Alcoholics lie alot but occasionally we should believe them , quote * I am not going to AA meetings * the hardest part of recovery for me was staying consistant , saying what I mean and meaning what I say , and not saying it mean took me awhile. Louise
The things that helped me the most when I first started this program were a page in our ODAT July 14th and our detachment Pamphlet I used them like a map of what to do and what not to do, they may help /
-- Edited by abbyal on Friday 24th of July 2015 07:01:44 PM
Welcome back Holly and so sorry for the chaos that has erupted in your world.
My personal experience with active As and boundaries - they will test each and every one - the biggies and the smaller ones just to 'see' if I will hold fast. It seems as if this drama/chaos of boundary testing/breaking is almost a sport to them. I have learned in Al-Anon to set boundaries that are for my betterment and survival and not punitive in nature. I had set some boundaries prior to Al-Anon that were not proper and they have been modified as I have grown.
It takes more courage for me to enforce my boundaries than to give in....But when I give in to small things/boundaries, the testing/breaking just gets worse and worse and the dance continues.
I hope you can take some time to be gentle with you. Step into the program and work on you and learn what makes you tick. I wasn't able to detach with love until I learned to love myself and that only happened as I worked the steps of this program. The work involved is not super hard but it's no walk in the picnic. However, for me, the rewards have been 100 fold the effort.
Keep coming back and know that you aren't alone! We are just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for responding everyone it makes me feel better to hear from people who are in/have been in the same situation I am in it reminds me I'm not alone. It's interesting when these situations come up my anxiety goes through the roof (as expected) the fight or flight response kicks in, I used to feel the fight response more now I don't have that feeling anymore I always feel the flight response now and don't feel the need to fight at all. I however don't feel me and the kids should leave our home which is why I make him and he never gives me a hard time about it.
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
As long as we want the alcoholic to cooperate and agree, they have superior power merely by being uncooperative and refusing to agree. So waiting for him to agree that he ought to leave ... means he will stay as long as he refuses to agree ... which means he will naturally never agree. In fact because agreeing would mean facing the fact that his drinking is harmful, the disease will fight tooth and nail against agreeing. If he's anything like my A, he will use every trick in the book to argue, stall, divert, accuse, blame, plead, fake-agree (but not follow through), dismiss etc. - all tactics to keep me from taking action.
I hope you'll decide what's right for you and formulate a plan of action that doesn't depend on him acting like a reasonable person. Because if he were capable of it, you wouldn't be in this spot in the first place, if you see what I mean. Take good care of yourself.
I don't think I was clear on the leaving part, he has always left if I tell him he has to it's never been long term though. However he does argue, accuse, blame and dismiss I think the difference in our relationship right now is I have openly without being mean said exactly how I feel and made it clear how it is affecting our whole family and not accept any blame for his sickness. I know he isn't a reasonable person he has a sick mind and there is nothing I can do about that I have made him aware of many things that I always used to be afraid to say because I was afraid of the fall out from it. No more, whatever will be will be and I am doing what is best for me and the kids my decisions are now based on what will be healthy for us...not him he is going to have to find his own way or suffer the consequences. It's too bad part of me has felt I have to stay in this for the past 5 years because his mother died in 2008, his bother (only sibling) died in 2010 and his dad died in 2013 and his extended family is useless. I have felt obligated because I love him and that he has no one else. I don't feel that anymore. I had a plan a couple of months ago when I made him leave.......I still have that plan and I am strong enough and courageous enough to go through with it. Something I never felt even a year ago. I will find my way back to me
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
(((((Holly)))))...and also you're dealing with your addiction...him. I had to do everything that N/A and AA were able to do with my alcoholic/addict wife so I would not constantly stick her in my vein and shoot her up. I had the crazies and the sweats and the insanity. It's a miracle I found the front door to what became my home group in Al-Anon. My boundaries kept me in my own yard and on my own side of the street. We can discuss for ever this disease and the second time around for me I sat in the discussion of the recovery as often as I could. Turn him over to your Higher Power and have faith in your own program. Keep coming back often and as you learn share it with others who need to hear it also. (((((hugs)))))
i have been in the position of having been told he will not stop. It's very difficult and you feel helpless. I can see you are strong. And you have support here :)
