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My boyfriend is a binge drinker alcoholic (as opposed to a daily drinker alcoholic, i guess). He just told me this in an email. We're on a break right now because of his drinking. We've been together for 2 years and we frequently would hang out and drink together. I would have 3 or 4 and stop, but he would keep going, finish whatever was left, go get more...basically get annihilated. I guess I never made the connection that he was an alcoholic and it really wasn't a problem for me until recently. The binges were becoming more frequent and he would act so very irritatingly obnoxious, get slurry and stumbly; very embarrassing for me. I finally got fed up and told him how annoying he was and tried to stop him from drinking anymore one night. He ended up leaving angrily at 2am. He texted me some hateful things that I didn't respond to. Of course, he apologized the next morning, but I told him I needed some time and space.
Soooo, we're on a break. He emailed me and told me that he's an alcoholic and that he realized this 7 years ago (we've been together less than 2). And that he was a part of a recovery group back then and was sober for 5 years. He started drinking again shortly before we met.
I'm having some issues with this information and don't know if I should stay with him. He's a very sweet, caring, thoughtful guy when he's not drunk! We have a unique connection in that we're both divorced and have sole custody of our kids and both have exes that aren't involved with them. Each of us has a special needs child. We went to the same small college at the same time but didn't know each other, we even both had pets with the same unique name...so many things that connect us and we relate really well with each other's family situation.
BUT, I have a problem with the lie he kept from me, though I should have maybe recognized it. I revealed some unflattering info to him about myself early on so that he had a choice wether or not he wanted to start a relationship with me. I gave him the opportunity to be upfront with me. He says now, that the guilt and shame he felt prevented that and that he thought he could control his drinking. He says he knows now that he can't ever drink again.
I don't know if I want to go through this recovery process with him. I don't know if I want to make changes in my life to accommodate him. I'm kind of focusing on my anger and negatives though, and that makes it harder to think clearly about this.
I think about how we hung out and drank together at my house, or went out for dinner and drinks, or to see a band and drink. There was always some beer around when we were together. I wasn't getting messed up though, but he frequently got trashed. This was about once, sometimes twice a week. Point is, I think I'm going to be a big trigger for him if we move forward with our relationship and I guess we'd have to find some other time consuming activities to keep those urges at bay. Maybe it would be better to part ways? Maybe it would be easier? I don't know what the right thing is to do and I don't know what to say to him. Other than the drinking getting out of control, we were/are a good match.
Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. Thank you!
-- Edited by nightlight on Friday 24th of July 2015 03:21:18 PM
-- Edited by nightlight on Friday 24th of July 2015 03:45:14 PM
Welcome nightlight. Alanon meetings may help you to sort out your feelings about this relationship.
It sounds like the man you became involved with realizes that he can no longer drink. He may be ready to re-establish his connection to his recovery program. Time will tell.
Now that he's confirmed that he is an alcoholic, you relationship can either continue with him drinking until he annihilated as you mentioned or he may become a recovering alcoholic who will no longer drink with you.
From my experience, there were concessions that went along with being with a newly sober alcoholic. When I wanted to hear a good band that was playing at a local bar, I needed to do that with one of my girlfriends. He couldn't be around drinking people or the smell of alcohol. Drinking is not a big pastime of mine but I have to tell you that there were times in the first years that I resented his alcoholism being the reason we couldn't be at house parties of friends of mine or other events where alcohol would be present. It's something to think about. He and I can go anywhere now but it took about three years for that to happen.
Anyway, maybe you'll keep coming back to this board to read and continue recovery with us. You'll find your answers within yourself, nightlight. And just a suggestion as far as what to say to him... you don't have to commit either way right now with an answer. You can take your time. We have online Alanon meetings at this site twice a day. You'll be welcomed as warmly as you are here. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Debb's thinking is spot on IMHO. Your intuition is telling you that this match is not good for you. Take the time to read some of the posts from young women here and they will show you how life will be for you if you continue with him. If he is really interested in recovery, then he needs to take the time to work on himself. I am kind of wondering if he is repeating old history here- did his first partnership break up due to his drinking and that was what drove him to recovery. Maybe once he feels comfortable with a new partner, he feels free to resume his old habits. Just guessing here. But do take the time to read and learn here because there is just so much wisdom.
Welcome to MIP nightlight - so glad you are here and found us. So sorry about the situation, however I am one who believes in 'nothing happens by mistake.' For me this includes the people I've met/loved/lost as well as the events/situations of the past/present/future. I believe there is a bigger picture and my best decision making does not happen in the middle of a crisis.
The good news - you've got a small amount of exposure to Al-Anon (us). Al-Anon is a great place to explore more about recovery, the disease and if you can, I strongly recommend you attend a few meetings - Face to Face (F2F) or online. Many of us figure out that the alcoholic was not the issue - our ability to cope, deal, live and react appropriately played a huge part. Having said this, many of us also tend to gravitate and attract similar folks until we take a look at ourselves and what makes us tick.
The best thing about your situation - you are on a break and can take time to process, think and decide. Also, there is no deadline for any of this - the processing, decisions, etc. This program has taught me that living life one day at a time surely keeps me more focused on the present and helps me make better, mature, factual decisions.
I've been in recovery for 27+ years and have seen many come in, and go out and come in and ... I am lucky to be able to say that my home group has a large amount of continuous sobriety. It's not an easy process/road, but it is a daily gift to be sober and live a serene life. I came to Al-Anon as my husband relapsed and both of my sons are As. My attitude, outlook and joy have grown tremendously since I came and began working this program, and I know I can live and thrive no matter what's going on around me.
Again, so very glad you are here! Keep coming back and know we are only a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm glad you are reaching out for help, and sorry you're in this position.
I imagine all of us who've been involved with alcoholics have said, "We have so much in common and would be so great together if it weren't for the drinking."
One thing might be to imagine if a friend said to you about her guy, ""We have so much in common and would be so great together if it weren't for the constant cheating," "We have so much in common and would be so great together if it weren't for the heroin addiction," "We have so much in common and would be so great together if it weren't for the compulsive gambling habit..."
The problem is that the drinking will always get worse, never better, unless arrested by a formal program of recovery which the drinker is working hard. So however things are now, they will be worse down the line if the drinking continues. It isn't even a matter of "Can I put up with this?" It's a matter of later on thinking, "This just keeps getting worse ... and worse ... and worse..." So all the things you have in common will become secondary to the destructiveness of alcoholism. I can vouch for the fact that you should never leave a vulnerable child in the care of an alcoholic - it's only by a miracle that my child is still alive after I made that mistake.
What you know about him is:
He is capable of telling big lies about his drinking.
Even after five years sober, he can relapse. [So if he were to enter recovery now and spend five years sober ... that would still be no guarantee that he would stay sober.]
Even after five years of recovery, he let himself fall into that alcoholic thinking of "I can control it, no problem..." Always a big step back into active drinking.
When he relapsed, he did not go back into recovery the very next morning. He kept on sliding. He handed it over to you to notice or not notice.
I imagine that every one of us here who stayed with an alcoholic for years wishes we had gotten out when the signs first presented themselves. I think your instincts are very smart and aware. There are many wonderful men out there without habits that will destroy them and their families. Please take care of yourself.
Thank you for the warm welcome, encouragement, and advice. I am finding a lot of helpful info on this site. The message boards are great! I see that I need more time and information to make decisions, as you all have mentioned. It's very helpful to read what others have experienced. That was a good idea to read posts of people in these kinds of relationships and try to get a picture of what that might look like for me should I decide to take this on. Thank you all so much!
It also sounds like you wish he could drink normally or just drink heavily (4 drinks at a time) and then stop. He obviously can't do that. How important is it to you to be with a guy that does drink but can stop? If a lot of your fun involves drinking (though not to the degree he does it) then that also makes less compatible. And he will always want to try to "control it" because evidently, drinking is important to you and he wants to be with you.
Mattie, you bring up some great points too that I hadn't thought about. There's no guarantee that he will stay sober. I was with him and supporting him while he finished up school and student teaching while working his other job and being a single parent. We didn't see each other much during that time. I just kept hanging on to the thought that we just need to get through this and everything will be so much better, more relaxed, and less stressful. And all that business ended and instead of things getting better and easier, they get worse and more complicated! So yeah, I guess I could stick around and do more waiting to see if it gets better...But what if he does, and I'm not there and miss out. I don't know. That's maybe backwards thinking...all part of my dilemma.
Thank you for opening my mind up to some new thoughts. I know I have a lot of self work to do as well.
Alcoholics don't have some treasure trove where if they get sober and you leave, you will have missed out. If he does get sober, you will have moved on anyhow by the time he settles back into some stability. If my ex-A got sober now, my thought would not be "oh I missed out!" I would think " Good for him" and then keep on with my current life which has been far better without alcoholic drama.
All of the responses that have been offered here are very important and knowledgeable. I also went for the knowledge about alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholism very determinedly in the first 9 years of Al-Anon because the more I learned the more I needed to learn. I was born and raised within the disease and didn't know it and the fact was when I really got into the program on my second try I couldn't spell it or tell you what it was. Regarding the disease I was as dumb as a stick and I had volumes of information yet to come to me. Simple statement Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and alcoholism is a compulsion to drink with an allergy of the body...drunk is the allergy as turning urine yellow is also. (just for me). Alcoholism predates the life of the Christ by thousands of years so I accept that we are an altered species of life as we carry the disease with us generation to generation. One of my college focuses was on the genetics of the disease and yes they can find it in our dna. Whether you go or stay is (again for me) how well you want to be prepared in the futher. Obviously you were attracted to this alcoholic yet you found him compatible. I also did that often and even did it when I didn't want to do it...strange. I believe that one of the queer reasons I had for partnering up with alcoholics and addicts was so that I could find the Al-Anon program and then AA also so that I could exist disease free of the disease which took down many in my family and my friends. Sounds mysterious and then so what I am happy, joyous and free today and totally alcohol (ic) (ism) free as a fulltime member of the program as many of us are. Everything I've learned you can have for free and that is I believe the same offer all of the membership will also offer you. Keep coming back often. You'll get to keep your sanity and your life. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you, Jerry and everyone. I really appreciate all of the feedback I'm getting here. I can't stop reading everything on this site! It's all very inspiring, thought-provoking and real.
There is a type of alanoner that drinks a lot but may or may not be alcoholic. They often hook up with alcoholics because their own drinking patterns coincide with or compiment the alcoholic's behavior at first. This was the case for me...Of course there were other reasons, but this was a big part of it for me.
Something important about Alanon nightlight is that the program is focused on us and not the alcoholics. Sometimes people wonder if the alcoholic is no longer in their life why would they need the Alanon program? I can only share my own experience. Without recovery, I was susceptible to attracting, inviting and fostering unhealthy relationships. This wasn't exclusively with active alcoholics/addicts. Somehow by way of my "broken picker" I managed to find non alcoholics as well who acted out in unhealthy ways. My belief is that it wasn't happenstance that I cultivated these relationships and tried to grow them. Anyone can find themselves getting to know someone who is very unhealthy. To me the difference today as a person who is recovering and considers themself as "whole" is that I make the choice to move on quickly rather than stay those relationships. The Alanon program has provided the tools on this recovery journey that have helped me to choose myself and my well-being. In the case of family members, the tools of this program such as the 12 steps and traditions, the meetings, literature and a loving sponsor can provide self awareness, learning and the application needed to maintain family ties and my sanity rather than losing both. It's not always possible to have both but in those cases I choose sanity. I hope you'll give Alanon a try as a means of investing in yourself.
From my experience, the journey toward this kind of self knowledge has been well worth it. We say in this program "If you can spot it, you've got it." We often use that term concerning unhealthy behaviors which we see in other people. It's said we recognize these things in others because we have them too. This is still true for me today. I will never be without shortcomings but I'm not seeking perfection only growth. The good news is that with time and experience and working this program I've learned to spot growth and wellness in myself and others. I'm healthier than I was when I got here. I continue to work Alanon one day at a time because I have a desire to cultivate wellness within myself and surround myself with it by my choice of people, places and things that invite into my life. Healthier people invite me to be a part of their lives too. Today, if it has the quality of sanity and serenity, count me in! If it feels like insanity and dis-ease, I have a program, a higher power and other recovering people in Alanon it to turn to for support and guidance. I can then make my choices based on thoughtful action instead of reaction. I'm glad you're finding the posts on this board helpful. Our stories are similiar to one another's but no one is better to decide what is right for you than yourself. This is why concerning our sharings we say "take what you liked and leave the rest." (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 25th of July 2015 09:56:02 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
