Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

cfittx23 · Member

Possible to get back with an ex who is now sober?

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

It is wonderful that she found sobriety however and maybe I'm just jaded because of the situation I went through .. May is a drop in the bucket in terms of sobriety.

As a Co Dependent I want to believe what someone says to me .. the Addict believes what I show them. Honestly, I am taking the addicts way and become the show me state .. show me sober living .. show me sober thinking .. show me .. I do not want to be told. I still struggle with this in all of my affairs.

The other thing I have found in my own situation is that I want the dream .. I want the whole happily ever after fairytale that love concurs everything. While that is a true statement in terms of love does concur everything .. the fairytale ending is a story for me to write with the help of my HP. The fairytale ending may not be the one I envisioned for myself. It's not a disappointment at all.

What I will say as well it can happen .. I really try not to stare in that rearview mirror though because I distort things in my own mind about maybe it wasn't that bad .. maybe it was in my imagination .. maybe it will be better even if they start drinking again. I found I needed the separation to remind myself that no there were other issues attached to the addictive behavior and that this was one of those things that the drinking was merely the tip of the iceberg.

Big hugs and best of luck .. sure it can happen and it can work .. just for me I had to move forward in a different direction.

cfittx23 · Member

Great words of wisdom. I thank you for this. I do agree with you. There were other issues. She hits 90 days on August 1. I actually have flowers (that I bought on May 3) to be delivered to her on the 1 with a note that says congratulations on 90 days of sobriety. The note, which I wrote on May 3 when we were still together, is actually a past tense note. It says whatever happens I am proud of her. I thought about cancelling this but then after thinking, I'm not expecting anything. I'm not expecting her to call me and want me back. Honestly, that wouldn't solve anything anyway. I'm not expecting her to get angry and throw them out, I'm just expecting her to accept them and know I still care about her and I'm still here for her. It's for me and my own closure, not really hers. We broke up a month ago and it has been hard but I am starting to move on. It's weird in this situation. Normally when you break up, you can see how the other person was just not right. This, is up in there air. I think it's natural to want to work it out over time but that is probably just a dream. I think many of us want the fairy tale, as you put it, but unfortunately, the truth is I can have the fairy tale with her but also with someone else.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

cfittx23 - Welcome to MIP. Glad you found us and glad you are here!

I am one who goes through life with the attitude of anything is possible. If I do what I am supposed to do, the world is my canvas and when I trust my HP, I am super surprised at the blessings I am given each day. I have decided that my picker is broken and so don't look for anything more than what is put in front of me.

I'm married to my AH. We met in recovery (the other side) more than 30 years ago. We both had 5+ years sober when we married. I will celebrate 28 years sober in October; he relapsed in 1993 and continues to be active.

My best suggestions for you - keep going to meetings, keep working your program and keep growing in recovery. I've learned through this program that what I think is best for me isn't always what my HP thinks is best for me.

(((Hugs))) to you and may you keep moving forward, one day at a time!

cfittx23 · Member

And that is all I can do. I can only control myself. Thank you all for the kind words. I don't think I've ever joined an online forum before but this one is really looking up.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think every possible combination of breaking up and getting back together, or succeeding, or not succeeding, someone has been through with an alcoholic. Every situation is different.

It is so hard not to cherish high hopes for our alcoholics, especially when they actually go into recovery.

What I wish someone had told me early on is that of the alcoholics who go into recovery programs, only 15-25% will achieve longterm sobriety. For those who do, the first year or two (some people even say the first five) are rough. The alcoholics don't have experience at sober life and they're learning on the job.

Because there are so many thousands (millions) of alcoholics, even 15% means there are many, meany people who achieve longterm sobriety. However, when my A entered recovery, I thought, 'Great! Problem solved! Here we go!" He unfortunately was not one of the 15-25%. So I wish I had kept my glee and planning in check a little more. I especially wish I had worked harder at my own recovery. (Which is something you are doing already by being here.)

What I have learned along the way is that the very best chance a relationship has is when both people, the drinker and the non-alcoholic, work their recovery programs hard. So you are on your way. Hope you'll keep coming back.

cfittx23 · Member

I agree. Last night I watched "When a man loves a woman" with Andy Garcia and Meg Ryan. Really put stuff into perspective. I have basically defined a part of myself by being there for my ex. This is one of the reasons I felt empty when we broke up. I am learning to do what is best for me. Last night I went home by myself and just sat and watched this movie. Before I would be really irritable that I was by myself. Now, I am okay with it. It's okay to be alone. It's okay to do what I want to do.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I do not have any ESH where it relates to breaking up and rekindling a relationship with an A,

but I can say that you are on the right track. Getting the help you need for yourself, because

I can tell that it has helped you tremendously to move on. You should be so proud of yourself!

Keep coming back to talk with us anytime! Welcome to MIP.

cfittx23 · Member

Thanks Debb. All I can do is focus on myself. One thing I have learned through Al Anon is this is out of my control. I used to get so mad at her drinking and frustrated (then I looked like the crazy one haha) and now I have learned to let all of that go. For the first time in my life I am not angry about anything of this situation. I usually get angry because I try to control the situation and now that I know I am only in control of myself, I am not angry.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, good for you, taking care of yourself. Everything happens in HPs time, and knowing that and when HP thinks it is best to get back together (which quite possibly may be never) means you are relying on the correct entity - not yourself, or Her, but on HP. Keep it up!

Kenny

cfittx23 · Member

I'm sorry but what is HP? Still new to this lol. Thanks for the kind words Kenny

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

HP is your Higher Power smile

cfittx23 · Member

So, my ex hit 90 days of sobriety on Friday. I sent her some flowers, that I actually purchased in May. We talked on Monday, and a couple of times since then. She liked the flowers. I can tell she is still going through a lot. Usually when I talk to her, I let her know I love her and I'm here for her and if she ever wants to talk or get together I am here. I don't push it or anything, just let her know I care. She is really sad right now because she actually had a friend die a couple of days ago in a motorcycle accident. I told her I'm praying for the family. This is still really hard.

I guess I'm looking for a little advice. How often is too much to try and talk to her? I still don't know what will happen in the future. I want her to know I'm here for her but I know she wants space. She said she would eventually like to see me, but right now she can't as it is too hard. Thoughts? Does anyone have the answer?? Haha, I know no one does.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I would let this be, and allow her to do what she has to do
to accomplish her recovery.

cfittx23 · Member

I figured you would say that lol. It is hard. Wanting to be there for someone that doesn't want you to be there. I guess I just feel shut out. Although, I know this has nothing to do with me. It has to do w/her. I guess I just don't understand. Maybe I never will. I think she is thinking she relied on me too much for emotional support (which she did) so she purposely wants space so she can learn how to deal with things on her own. All in all, that's a good, a great thing really. It is just hard.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry you are finding this separation so difficult, but you must
realize that this situation is the way it is, ie: needs to play out
as it is, because the both of you need to move on right now.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Hi cfittx,

Maybe just keep with Alanon and working your own program of recovery and allow your ex to make the next move of reaching out to you if she cares to do that. It sounds like she is making sobriety her first priority. Maybe she's focusing on her program and working the AA steps with a trusted AA sponsor, making her meetings and sticking with people in her own program is as much as she wants in her world for now.

My experience has been, if I'm willing to give support on someone else's terms (as long as it doesn't compromise my own well-being), that's what I consider to be "loving" support. If I don't respect the person's wishes of what's acceptable to them, then I feel I'm trying to force the outcome that's to my liking and not theirs. Then it's an issue of control on my part, disrespecting the choice of another person and disregarding their feelings. At that point, I need to look at my motive. Some prayer and meditation usually helps me to sort things out to discern my will as opposed to hp's.

Hope you find the answer that's right for you. Keep sharing and keep coming back. (((hugs))) TT

cfittx23 · Member

Thanks Debb. It is hard but sometimes easy at times. I mean, it's my decision ultimately. The girl will always be an alcoholic. I don't mean that in a bad way, but it is the truth. I don't know if I want to be with her long term. I do, but I don't. I guess I will worry about that bridge when I cross it.

Enigmatic · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi cfitt, I appreciate your thoughts and questions because they are similar to some I struggled with when I started learning about the AlAnon perspective and approach. It is good to see that you are aware of the tendency to look for external data bits for clues on the "right" way to handle the alcoholic situation.

I'm sure if you were able to get responses to all of your questions from every AlAnon member you would find that they occupied every possible outcome. While that gives you a good picture of what everyone else is doing, it fails to answer the most important question: what is the healthiest choice for you.

I have found AlAnon resources to be extremely effective at helping me turn the focus back to myself, allowing me to feel more at peace by reducing the mental resources expended on external things I should not, nor cannot control. Reading daily reminders helped me reshape my thought tendencies toward a more healthy direction, and I am sure that you are exploring your own program resources that are helping you refocus.

I have great confidence in the wisdom and peace that AlAnon extends to those who seek it out, and I wish you the best on your journey of continued discovery. I hope you keep coming back...

cfittx23 · Member

@tiredtonite....way to hit the nail on the head lol. I totally agree with this. I have found, that there was definitely a co dependency in the relationship. I have also found, for myself, to an extent, I do like to be there for my significant other. For future relationships, I do need to find this balance though.

@enigmatic-thank you so much for sharing. Alanon has been amazing for me. It is keeping me at what I call a centerpoint. Not saying we will get together, or we won't, just focusing on myself and letting it be. I am glad someone else has been in a similar situation, although I feel for you.

Thank you all for the advice. I've never joined a forum, and never considered one about personal information, but this one has been great so far.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

How often is too much to reach out to someone shoving you away and saying it would be "painful" to see you? The answer to that is up to you. I can only tell you that AA and Alanon taught me self-love, self-care, and self-respect. I will not reach my hand out to someone that slaps it away. I will not hold out for crumbs of affection from a sick person rather than be whole on my own and/or be treated with equal love and caring by a healthier person.

Treat yourself like your own best friend. Then, if you get in a relationship, let it be with someone that adores you. You deserve that.

Yankeerose · Senior Member

Great post Pinkchip. I really needed to hear that tonight. You come across in a very matter-of-fact way that is extremely easy to understand. It definitely makes me see the light.

Cfittx23, as hard as it may be, if she says she needs space I would give it to her. If she wants to see you she will. Just live your life and don't wait around. Life is too short and precious for that. I am married 15 years to an A. He has been in a recovery program since June. Things are better in the sense that he isn't passed out on the couch every night totally useless, but they are far from perfect. I still have a ton of resentment and he still has a ton of personality defects that did not go completely away.

My husband was an active A the whole 18 years we've been together. We went ahead and started a family anyway because that's what I wanted and I thought he would change. WRONG. Fast forward to the kids are now 13 & 16 and things got worse every year. We got further and further into debt because he couldn't hold a job for very long and our relationship got sicker and sicker. I developed some really insane ways of coping that I am not so proud of. I guess I can say I was out of my mind. The alcohol and painkillers (he was also addicted to percocet) absolutely killed the marriage. I was forced to work two jobs. We were forced to sell our home. I look back and think if I had a crystal ball and could've seen how things would play out I should've run far, far away from this man. Hindsight is always 20/20.

I don't regret having my kids one bit. It's just there is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder what it's like to have a normal relationship--someone who adores me as Pinkchip said. I don't know how old you are but I am 45 and scared to death I will wake up one day 5 years down the road and be in the same boat. I'm having a hard time accepting that.

I do want to say this program is a life saver for me. So Keep coming back and you will find the answers.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I love the crumb analogy because that was me I was so starved for affection and attention that I thought the little that was given was a banquet. I'm a similar in age and my story is close to yankeerose. I do not want to stay where I am at. In 5 years I want to look back and say WOW who was that woman?! Hugs

cfittx23 · Member

@pinkchip...yeah you nailed that one. Thank you for the analogy

@yankeerose and @serenityRUS...I pray your situations get better. I do wonder, if I try and think what the future would be like, if it would be like this. It's hard because you think oh, they're sober 90 days so everything is going to be fine. Honestly, my ex was never one to get drunk every night. Just at least once per month I would have to carry her out of a bar. And she used it as a coping mechanism. She used to smoke a lot of weed and has been to rehab twice for anorexia (years ago) so it all makes sense as alcohol was just the next best coping mechanism. I do wonder if we get together, she is fine, but ten years from now we have kids and a family and BOOM, she relapses and then I turn out to be Andy Garcia in "When a man loves a woman" lol.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Getting Them Sober" Toby Rice Drews my first few months in al-anon and so many other books and literature, the 3 daily readers every morning and learned to focus on me and not my relationship. I was so focused on my exAh and my boyfriend after him that no on was focusing on my needs health or self care. I now have a great healthy relationship, but it took me a few years in al-anon working the steps with my sponsor attending as many meetings I could attend in my local area and reading everything I could get my hands on to start making the changes I needed to make to have the life and mental perspective I now have. You are worth the time and effort! Keep coming back!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I can remember my main gripe when he first got sober was that I felt so left behind. Like I wasnt valuable. I was told to give him as much attention as he gave me.... and then I had to figure out how much attention I was getting, or rather, not getting. That exercise was quite sobering. We remained married but my life really changed. I started to take care of myself. Less attention on him and more on myself. I would echo what Pink says and find a relationship in which you are adored.
I hate that movie..... I know it is just a character, but the selfishness of the alcoholic really shines through the character in a bad way. She ignores the good things right in front of her to concentrate on the ego gratification that is not lasting.

cfittx23 · Member

Lol everyone loves that movie it is hard to watch though. Thank you all for the support. I met with my sponsor today and we are really getting into some good things. It's so cool to be part of this forum as so many people have had so many different paths it really does give you perspective that you are not in control!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

All that matters is now. She is not healthy and not reciprocating. You have your own issues to work on too. Even in that movie, they split for a whole year while the Meg Ryan character worked her program and grew into a healthier person. I can also hear you minimizing and justifying her drinking problem and other issues...that is something for you to look into perhaps.

cfittx23 · Member

That's true. yeah, I used to say she had a drinking problem but wasn't an alcoholic. I now know that she was. There isn't a difference. When alcohol affects your every day life, work, or relationships, you're an alcoholic. i am enjoying working on myself. i feel that she sucked me into her issues (which I let her since I can only control myself) so I wasn't able to focus on my own stuff for so long. now, my business is doing better, i'm hanging with my friends more, i'm even learning to play guitar. that's something i've wanted to do for years.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

cfittx23 -

Very nice self-care!! Keep doing what you're doing - it is giving you freedom and joy from the disease/A.

It's hard to not get sucked back into the 'storm' - but with time and practice, it get's a bit easier each day!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

That's what I'm talking about! Good job for you! See - Self-care is crucial and that stuff you described is stuff you should never have to give up for another person. They should compliment what you do for yourself not distract or take you away from it.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Congratulations, sounds like you are on the right track to taking care of yourself!
Please continue to let us know how you are doing, cause you are not alone.

cfittx23 · Member

Thanks Debb. I think I am doing pretty well over all. I still think of "what might happen" a lot but I also know I am not in control, only God is. I am working on Step 4 right now and according to my sponsor, everything is going to start to get really intense. I'm definitely up for that though. I feel I am on the right path. Also, as far as this entire thing...it is a blessing to not be with my ex right now. I mean, she is going through A LOT emotionally and I know it would be nearly impossible for me to work on anything for myself if I was watching her go through this. I feel the separation, plus the wonders of the Al Anon program, are really helping me get right with myself. I do feel good over all.

Lost and scared · Veteran Member

I find myself obsessing with the "will he ever come back" scenario/question. I believe and know that it's not my call and that I can't control the outcome, yet the question continuously runs thru my head. (Probably my own sickness). I know that it will take time and lots of practicing the steps (tonight will only be my second f2f) but does anyone have any quick tips? At this point my house is spotless and I've taken my dog to the park more than I think he even wants to go. :)

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

In these kinds of situations I meditate on the first step, and try to realize that I am powerless over alcohol. That then reminds me that I am powerless over the alcoholic. Since I love to play victim, I get down and rub my belly in that one for awhile, until I realize that I have to do something over which I *do* have power, rather than wallow in something in which I don't. The things I do have power over are myself and... myself.

When I decide that the power I have over myself is the one I need to exercise, then I can decide much better what I need to do. And sometimes that is still just reciting serenity prayer over and over, rather obsess on that than on the person I can't do anything about. Other times it is detach and take the dogs for a walk, go to another part of the house and do something etc. And then also coming here, going to a meeting.

Kenny

Lost and scared · Veteran Member

Thank you Kenny.

cfittx23 · Member

I'm not expert, but I do know you can only walk your dog and clean so much lol. I would just focus on doing what you want to do. Whenever I get wanting to talk to my ex, or just irritable about the situation, I play my guitar. Learning the guitar is 100% for me and I benefit. It helps sooooooo much I can't even tell you. Use this time to find what you like. Hope that helps.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to have a mantra I'd repeat to myself: "Obsession is depression, obsession is depression." What is meant is that when I was obsessing over the person and how much I missed them and what I did wrong or what they did wrong or what might happen in the future, those things really didn't matter as much as I thought they did. They were just symptoms of depression and my fixation on my partner as the solution to my depression. Like, if he came back, I would be happy, but if he didn't, I couldn't be. That was what my ill brain was telling me, but it wasn't true. It was just depression speaking. It was really a way of evading the fact that I had to take action on my own behalf and start forging a new life without waiting for someone else to rush in and be the savior. It seems so real when you're going through it. But I came to realize it wasn't real - my dwelling on it was just a reflex.

Another saying that helped me a lot was : "Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing." In my mental scenarious, I kept rehearsing ways I could "win." As if "winning" would make everything better. What really made everything better was refusing to engage in the game.

Take good care of yourself.

Yankeerose · Senior Member

Great post Mattie. I'm going to repeat that mantra too as I feel I really need it. You have some wonderful insight on this issue.

cfittx23 · Member

That was a great post Mattie. I have been there. That is the main thing I think we all need to figure out in time of separation. Do you miss someone (anyone), or that specific someone. Either way, getting back with that person or someone else isn't going to fix it. We think it will, but it won't. It's like an open wound that you put a small band aid on that you know won't stop the bleeding.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene