The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband and I have been together since high school - 24 years. Married almost 20. Have 3 amazing kids. And he has been an alcoholic since I met him. After years of begging, pleading, threatening everything I could think of, I reached the end of my rope. I threw out one more life preserver to him and asked that he go to inpatient treatment (probably the 100th time I've asked, that had already been arranged. Surprisingly, he agreed!! I guess he had finally reached the end if his rope too. He has now been in treatment for 12 days. He has 33 more to go. I spent the entire first week in shock that he had actually agreed to go after all these years. His counselor has called me several times and his reports sound great. During detox, my husband attended at least one meeting a day, even though he wasn't required to yet. This week, he has really opened up in therapy, shared with the group that he is beginning to realize what he has done to our family, that he knows he needs to be there, and that he has a lot of work to do, he doesn't want to set that same bad example for our kids, etc... All the things I would have given anything to hear him say through the years. So, now that my shock has subsided considerably, I have felt these new emotions take it's place. I'm scared of who he will be. I've never known him without alcohol. I've also realized all of the 24 years of built-up anger, hurt, bitterness, and resentment are still there. I feel like he's going to come back a different person, but I have all these feelings that don't apply anymore, but I need to do something with them. My question is, if any of you have had similar experiences, how did you get past this??
Aloha Kekelle and welcome to the board...go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call that number to see when and where we get together in your area and come out as early as you can to our next face to face meeting. Bring an open mind with you and the humble ability to listen so that you can listen to and learn how much of the alcoholism problem is our part. Yes I knew the stuff both of my alcoholic and addict wives did and could talk about it ad nauseam and I never knew the part I played in it. Alcoholism is a family illness...it affects everyone it comes into contact with. Keep coming back to this MIP family and read and offer suggestions also. Glad for your husband that he has found a recovery program and is working it daily. Go do that yourself so that he doesn't get to far ahead of you. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you, Jerry F. Everyone tells me I need to go to al-anon meetings. I'm not sure I'm ready to hear that I have also been to blame for the alcoholism all of these years. I'm having a hard time believing it's a disease. But I do know my husband loves me and our kids more than anything in the world, and even after all of the fights telling him how much his drinking hurt us, and all of the threats I was going to leave if he didn't quit drinking, he still never stopped, so there must be something to it. I'm scared that he will be everything I've wanted him to be now, but I just feel like he waited too long. I've already separated and moved on from him in my heart and mind about a year ago, even though I was physically still here. I'm not sure I want to work on fixing me for him, if that makes sense. Would Al-anon still help me?
Kekelle Welcome I do understand and I would like to point out that we who live with this dreadful disease, become affected by it,i so much so that we need a program of recovery regardless of the fact if we are with the alcoholic or not.
The negative attitudes and tools stay with us and unless we join a program of recovery we find we use the same negative tools in all our interactions. Alanon will not tell you that you caused the alcoholism-- After all we believe that it is a disease and that we did not cause it, cannot control it nor cure it
We have a part in our own unhappiness and for that we are responsible. Alanon will help with that.
Kekelle, what you're feeling is very common. My husband is in recovery (third time). He attended inpatient last month and as soon as he left I felt all the same things you did. My husband was an alcoholic when we met 18 years ago, of course it has gotten progressively worse. He had been drinking for about 35 years when he quit this last time. At 51 his health was suffering. Our two children (ages 13 & 16) have lived with this turmoil their entire lives. When my husband left for rehab this last time I absolutely lost it. I had been working two jobs because he couldn't work one and I thought ok I'm tired of doing this who's going to take care of me now? I found this online board and started attending face to face meetings and one on one therapy. I took the summer off from work. When he got home from rehab I expected too much. I thought all of his character defects would be gone. They weren't. He still has a lot of the same selfish personality but it's getting better. For the first month home all he did was go to meetings and lay around and read his AA books and watch TV. Meanwhile I still had to take care of the house and kids. His family would say "well he has a problem, he's sick." My mother would say "you picked him" which I certainly did! I love my husband dearly and the kids do too. He has yet to get a job but I don't want to push him too much because it seems like a struggle for him just to get through the day without a drink. I read up a lot on recovery and he was also extremely tired the first month or so which is common. I would take that to mean he was depressed and his life with me and the kids just wasn't good enough. Through this program I have learned not to take this personally and let him work his program and I work mine. You truly have to take things one day at a time. My husband said everything he did revolved around drinking. So it's hard for him to have fun without alcohol. He has to learn that and it's going to take time. We've had a few fights since he's been home-twice because he didn't call when he was going to be late (being inconsiderate again) and if the kids act up he just runs away and let's me deal with it. that's his way of coping right now with real life issues--locking himself in the bedroom and getting out his books. So my suggestion is keep your expectations of him really low, have a lot of patience, educate yourself on the disease and get involved in your own recovery program. Good luck!
Thank you so much Yankeerose and hotrod! I can tell Yankeerose and I have a lot in common. That helps so much! I've kept this so secret for all of these years that only my closest friends have known. I even kept it from my parents. My friends were there to listen, but they never really understood what I was going through. I found a meeting scheduled for tonight, so I'm going to give it a try. Thanks! ;)
Regular alanon attendance, sponsor, and stepwork. He's going to need time to heal and so will you. You both have your own work to do. You are not alone. Similar to some of the things he's being told, this is one day at a time for you also. Work on letting go of fear of the unknown. Focus on self care and healthy choices today rather than long term outcomes that you can't predict. Welcome! Looking forward to you sharing more of this journey.
Oh my yes I can relate. My husband is in recovery after detoxing and is still sober. I have a ton of pent up anger/resentment that I am trying to deal with on a daily basis. What has worked for me is to exercise by going to the gym, letting close friends and family know what is going on so you have someone to talk to and an added support system, talking to a therapist and going to face to face meetings. Your feelings won't go away overnight but keep working on it. I have bottled up my feelings for some many years that I am pretty overwhelmed with dealing with them right now. Take time and be kind to yourself. Realize that life after he gets out will definitely be different but I have found that it has been so great. WE have laid very low and old friends who we use to drink with we have stayed away from. We have turned our focus on spending time as a family and working on projects around the house. Best of luck and keep us posted.
I can also relate to keeping it secret. I never told my parents until this past April and no other friends knew until recently. This is a disease that thrives in secrecy/isolation. Once you get out of that isolation is when you start to find recovery and relief.
Welcome Kekelle - so glad you are here and thank you for sharing!
The only way I knew how to deal with the pent-up emotions before Al-Anon was to wallow in them. I was miserable, lonely, anxious, fearful, living in the future and had a crappy attitude and outlook on life.
I truly did not want to go to Al-Anon. Partially because I am a member of the 'other side' and am very active and partially because I was also playing the blame game - i.e. - "getting & staying sober is hard, but worth it - it's a daily choice to avoid the first drink, if I can do it, anybody can...."
Finally, my lovely sponsor who is also in both programs and a counselor stopped suggested I go and kind of 'ordered' me to try it. That was what I needed - a kick in my backside to take action. Action just for me, not for my family, my husband, my boys, etc. - just for me...
Al-Anon has brought me peace I didn't know I could have. It's brought me self-awareness that I never would have gotten and it's taught me how to live/love my life no matter what anybody else is doing, has done or will do.
The first message I got from Al-Anon came from right here at MIP - the 3 Cs - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Almost instant relief that educated, smart folks were telling me it was not my job to cure them and/or control them.
So - welcome here - and know you aren't alone! We're just a post away and I would like to suggest you at least give meeting(s) a try. It opened my mind to a great support system that did understand exactly what I shared, felt and was afraid of.
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When my wife was at inpatient treatment, I discovered all the anger finally coming through. She finally chose sobriety, but how was I going to keep from verbally beating her over the head for it? For throwing money down the drain for lawyer's and legal fees and getting fired from work, and our child growing up with this crap? Oh, now that you're better, that means you finally aren't drunk, so I can light into you!
I was recommended to Al Anon, and that is where I have been for a couple years now. I learned many things to help with that anger, and replace it with understanding. Understanding for my AW, but also understanding for me - I went a long time being able to escape having to think about myself, but Al Anon opened me up to myself, and I have discovered that I'm not half bad!
I'm so glad you will be going to a meeting tonight! Keep coming back here too!
