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Hi all. I'm hoping someone can give me a thought or perspective on this.
My qualifier is my parent; she is a functional alcoholic, however lately I think her depression is getting worse.
I am the child of two functioning alcoholics, though my dad committed suicide when I was a teen. It's 7 years later, and I am still struggling with how to deal with my mom's problems. I don't have depression, only severe anxiety. I understand I have no control over her actions, but I am terrified, especially after the loss of my father, that she will do the same either by drinking herself to death, or otherwise. I live in fear. I try to practice remaining calm, and do have some social support. However, I decided to go to al-anon a few weeks ago because I realized my support system is not enough to sustain my needs. She has errs in thinking and is often really irrational, especially when drinking, but it has spilled over into other parts of her life due to her anger. I've been financially dependent on her up until now. I know I need to set a date/plan in action to get out of her house. I am a victim of verbal abuse. She blackmails me emotionally for things I did many years ago, and for financial mistakes. My heart breaks at the idea of upsetting her, as I don't have close family, and I still sympathize with her some of the time. She has had a hard life, too, even despite her poor choices which hurt me. I just hope there is someone out there who has had an alcoholic mother blackmail them, and can give me real applicable advice. I'm going to continue Al-Anon, but just thought I'd post. Thanks to everyone--
-- Edited by ccb223 on Thursday 23rd of July 2015 11:08:46 PM
Welcome CCB I am so happy that you are attending alanon and that you had the courage to reach out and share here.
In alanon I received the support i needed to learn how to keep the focus on my needs, treat myself with kindness and compassion and others with respect and courtesy.
I am sorry for the pain you have experienced and would like to urge you to keep coming back-- there is hope and help
Aloha C and welcome to the board also. Emotional Blackmail is only one of the tools the alcoholic and or addict can and will use to try to keep their power level up and everyone else in submission. Sound like you've been here for a while and its good that you found the program and our MIP family to listen to and learn of our experiences with the subject. I don't suggest you use my old response to emotional blackmail because I hurt a lot of people in result until in Al-Anon I learned tools like detachment and letting go and empathy and compassion. Keep coming back often. (((((hugs)))))
My mother is not an alcoholic, but she has her own mental health issues and certainly is an expert at emotional blackmail.
My Qualifier is my wife, and I have found that, by using program tools in all aspects of my life, I am able to set reasonable and realistic boundaries with my mother, too. I am able to let her issues remain her issues. I am able to forgive myself for past mistakes and misdeeds, and since I have forgiven myself for them and made amends to my mother, those mistakes and misdeeds have lost their power. After all, I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't given myself the opportunity to learn and grow from things that didn't work out especially well.
One thing that has made a major difference for me and my life is starting each day with a mindfulness routine. I start out with gratitude for something, then forgive myself for things from yesterday that I didn't deal with especially well. (By thinking about them, and forgiving myself for them, I found that they lost their power over me and I could move forward positively, leaving the guilt or pain in the past.). I set my intentions for the day (This is especially important for me, because I tend to over-commit or think that I can do more in a day than is humanly possible, and then I am disappointment in myself. If I set one or two, three tops, intentions for the day, it helps me focus on what is really most important about today.) I think of three assets or things that I do well, and then I do the daily reading from C2C or ODAT.
(((hugs)))
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
My Mom is was Not My Addict Growing up, but has over the Years became as such, however the way you describe your Mom is Exactly how my Afather was... He has since past from Alcohol in 08 and that is what Brought me to these Beautiful People here...
My Dad would One day tell me how Great I am and the Next day, remind me of every Mistake I Ever made because he was having a Bad day and wanted everyone else to be a Miserable as He was... "I've Since Married a Similar Fellow as Well!"
And I Will say, I think at times "Emotional Blackmail/Verbal Abuse" is thee WORST... It truly can Crush a Person if we allow that to Happen, and when we live with it all our Lives its Hard sometimes to come to a Better way of Thinking... That is Why I'm So Grateful you have Come here to Share, and Listen to ESH From Others... You have Come to the Right Place ;)
And GOOD FOR YOU For Going to Al-Anon and Making that Amazing Step as well... I didn't have Al-Anon till after My Dad past, and it sure wore on me Heavy all the Guilt, Fear, Uncertainty, Always Unsure of myself because I Felt like I was on the Judgment Block 24/7...
Al-Anon has Truly Changed my Life, as It Can Yours if you are Willing to do the work to Make yourself a Better, Happier life ;)
Also I want to Add that I Think it is Wonderful that you are Doing your Best to Get out on your own, that's never Easy... that was a True Blessing for me when I was Younger... I Love my Mother dearly, but have Accepted that we just can't LIVE under the same roof and Be Happy and Content...
There is No One here that can tell you They have Never Made Mistakes in their Past, that is how we All Grow, Learn and Keep Moving Forward, so Be Gentle on Yourself and even if Mom keeps Bringing them Up... Forgive yourself... You Deserve Happiness... and I Just know you can Seek it out... :)
Welcome again to our Family... So Glad your Here...
Please Take what you like and Leave the Rest
Friends in Recovery
Welcome to MIP CCB! So glad you found us and that you had the courage to share!
You are not alone and we are an extended family for you and each other. I find it awesome that you've already started attending meetings and looking for support/help. Al-Anon is a great program and has given me back my self-confidence, joy and life.
Again, glad you are here and remember that we're only a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
