The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this, but have been going to Al-anon meetings in my area. We haven't heard from our son since his release from a 3 months jail stent for possession of drugs. This has been going on since he was 15, he is now 30. He has stole from us, lied to us, made up stories about us; yet as his mother I kept giving out money to solve the problems, which were so desperate, he'd loose his job, etc., if I didn't help monetarily. I have done this for years, and his dad would bail him out so I would feel better. I realize how sick this is. This last incident in Dec. 2014 he and his girlfriend were arrested for heroin in their car. They both went thru detox in jail. I gathered their dog and gave it a nice temp home while they were in jail, baught it an id and color and supplied the caregiver with 2 huge bags of dog food. Took his girlfriends mom to visit her daughter in jail....did so much to make things right for the people they hurt. I swore to him if this happened again I would not take his jail house calls. So I didn't, I had to literally block the jail calls for 3 months. After his girlfriend gets out, her mom phones me and asked me to pay for the dogs medical bills, cancer.....I said no. I offered alternative help, they did not want it.
So our son was let out at the end of February. and nothing from him. A text on mothers day, a wave from his car as he passed me. He swindled me out of so much money the weeks before his arrest, lied, cheated, hurt us so bad. Why is he not at least calling? I want to know why no "Im sorry". Is he mad I did not pay for the dog? Does he actually think we were in the wrong to not take his calls while in jail. How many times were his dad and I to continue on this way? Do we contact him. Ask him what is going on? I don't know any more. We feel after all that he did, he should be the one coming to us.
These months have given me some peace, but I worry, I miss him, and thank you for letting me type these words. my sponsor said I needed to journal. Write my feelings down. Al-Anon has helped me with some flaws I have in my personality that I thrust upon my son as a result of being a child of an alcoholic.
Any words of wisdom as to our next move please let me know.
I think pray...the serenity prayer. Expect him to act just like a sick addict for the moment because that is the most recent and overwhelming behavior sample he has given you to go on. Don't expect a thoughtful, mature, and rational son when you know it's not likely him at this time. I am so sorry this is what has happened.
Some wise fellow Al-Anoner shared this with me at an Al-anon meeting for parents, after I shared that I had not heard from my adult daughter in over 9 months,: "Her rejection is God's protection." That slogan has given me a lot of serenity as my AD comes in and out of my life on her own terms, which are not aligned with mine.
thank you, I will remember that. I feel better about it for now. I struggle to not check up on him. I haven't cracked yet. Meetings help and I know I am not the only one. Thank you
(((Puppy)) I am glad that you found us and are attending alanon meetings This is indeed a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. I agree with Green Eyes slogan:" His rejection is God's protection."
Please keep coming back and using the tools They work if we work them.
Puppy - I too welcome you to MIP - so very glad you found us and grateful for your post.
I have been where you are and it's so not a fun place to be. The program has taught me to let go and let God relative to my boys - both As.
We have also bent over backwards and spent plenty of money, time, energy, etc. trying to 'help them'. I only hear from mine when they want/need something - and one is in recovery. So, I tend to find peace when we're not talking as the conversations at times make me want more/better/good for them when I have no control.
I'm a huge believer in the serenity prayer and also use that slogan Green Eyes posted. I ask each morning in my prayers/meditation for God's will for me and those I love. And then try to enjoy the day.
Live in the moment and trust your program. It's not failed me yet!
So glad you are here - you are not alone and we're just a post away...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome and Aloha Puppy...good to have you in the family. That's a good question and for me detachment is a living tool. It's about something I learned how to do when I have decided not to participate in anything going on that wants to entrap me. "Do I want to participate or don't I? is the question and then I follow thru with boundaries. I no longer give my self all away to anything. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
