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It's been over a year since I have posted here but nothing much has changed. My husband is still drinking and hiding it (not very well). I have had to set some boundaries, keep the bottles in the garage away from the kids, I don't want him to ever drive with kids in the car (he's had 1 dui that he thinks is a fluke), and I told him I don't feel safe leaving the kids home alone with him since I caught him drinking 8 oz vodka between 3 and 4:30 in the afternoon. I told him that I can just never be sure when he's sober and I'll do what I have to to keep our kids safe, even from him.
This has been so hard for me and I'd appreciate any ESH anyone has to offer. He refuses to go to AA, he doesn't like it. I even suggested individual counseling but he said no. Aside from the dui he hasn't had any real trouble. He goes to work, etc . No one would guess he drinks. He is still in denial that he is an alcoholic because he isn't falling down in the gutter and holds down a job. There is no way I can break through his denial-I get that now, but it is heartbreaking because I love him.
Thanks for reading this.
Hi Starting Again, I am so sorry that this disease is continuing to disrupt their life. My husband did not take to AA for many years, but I found the only solution to the insanity of this disease was for me to attend Al-Anon meetings, work the steps, use the slogans, and talk to my sponsor on a daily basis.
When I did this, I took the focus of his behavior, placed it on my own and began to nurture myself in a gentle, kind and empathetic way. I stopped reacting to the insanity of the disease, and began to respond from my inner truths. Face-to-face meetings held in most communities saved my life, I urge you to continue on the path.
I know how you feel about protecting your kids. My AH is no longer able to be trusted picking up our son from daycare. I never know what state I will find him in at the end of the day. I am basically just doing my best to not rely on him, and not expect anything from him. Its very hard, but its actually easier than waiting for him to help me, or waiting for him to be sober and then getting disappointed over and over again when it doesn't happen. There is less of a roller-coaster of emotions and less let down if you just plan to do it all yourself. Then if a day comes where he is being the dad and husband you know and love, you can just enjoy it.
I am still very new at this and most days I am still in "fake it till you make it" mode...but it seems to be helping with my stress level and I don't feel constant anger anymore. (((HUGS)))
Thank you. As sad as it is, I would never wish this type of situation, but it helps to know I am not alone. I know I have to be strong for myself and my kids.
So sorry for what you are going through. I can definitely relate as my AH was functioning for quite some time holding down a job in finance. He started to go downhill this past winter and I think with the downward spiral he could no longer deny that he didn't have a big problem. I hate to say but there is really not much you can do (besides protect yourself and your kids) right now. He has to admit he has a problem and then try and seek help. I too know the worries about having them drive around with kids in the car. I have a 3 year old and 6 year old and did not trust him as he couldn't take care of himself. Have you sought out face to face meetings. Al Anon will tell you to focus on yourself and your children first and hopefully his recovery will follow. What has helped for me is telling a few close friends/relatives so I wasn't isolated by this disease anymore, going to face to face meetings and seeing a therapist. Sending you lots and lots of hugs and supportive energy. Please feel free to reach out to me anytime if you need extra support.
Hello, I know exactly how you feel. My AH is no longer in denial but refuses to work a program. We had been married 14 years before his first DUI. He lost his job and has been struggling to find work since, a year later he got his 2nd DUI, still struggling to find work due to being uninsurable now based on his career. He is still actively drinking, so I have picked up my F2F meetings again, reading and coming to this board. He is going to drink even while admitting the problems alcohol has caused in our lives. He is getting worse but the tools I am learning are helping me to keep my sanity. My kids are older and know not to go anywhere with dad if I am not around. Keep working alanon, it is hard but it really does help.
So sorry for the pain and anxiety this disease is causing you! You are correct that you are not alone. I too remain with my AH and he too sneaks/drinks. Like Debb says, I've detached enough that I am at peace with my life and his choices and if it gets too annoying/uncomfortable, I escape.
The program, steps, tools, slogans, sponsor and program friends have been my life-savers for a while now. My boys are grown and out now, but the dysfunction continues. I just choose to stay on my side of the street and not engage.
Keep coming back - we're all just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It does stop. When you are ready for it to stop. The merrygoround that your on has an exit. The only way I got off was through alanon face to face meetings, the readings, the slogans, my higher power. All you have to do is decide you want it to stop and surrender. Good luck.x
The disease is insidious and the alcoholic is painfully afraid of admitting they have no control or power over alcohol. The attacks on the alcoholic ego and pride are powerful battles which they are doomed to loose after all what alcoholic likes or wants to say "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable" Some of my close relatives cringed at it and then left recovery just as thousands of others have and then continued to drink again. Alcohol affects the brain with the first swig so logic is lost from that point and it affects the body giving he alcoholic a reaction that is reassuring and then it numbs emotions and the alcoholic doesn't have to "feel" anything and then the spirit...the intention to do what...drink again.
It stops when the alcoholic becomes more afraid of what happens after drinking than what happens when it stops. We have an AA board you can go haunt and read the input of the alcoholics at MIP. There are also open AA meetings that you can attend just to find out and get an understanding of what the alcoholic goes thru...if you care to learn and still if nothing changes...nothing changes...he will continue to drink and what are you going to do? What I did was become a willing, humble member of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Give us a try and stick around at MIP...a years lay off is pretty pricey. (((((hugs))))
Hugs and welcome ... You are not alone alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects the whole family. I'm so grateful for alanon and what I went through to get here. My xah has had many issues at the end of our marriage. What has come out is he was a lot sicker than I realized over the years. I think what it really took for me to get into alanon is the fact I realized my behavior was far more out of control than his was .. I was singing the HIMS and I lost so much of my life being worried about what he was or wasn't going to do. I have a different tune same lyrics from time to time. Alanon has reminded me of 2 facts I have choices AND not everyone thinks like I do (I'm now grateful for this because I was a hot mess getting here .. Lol). I had a bad moment when I really had a clarity moment and realized the kids were walking on eggshells with me far more than their dad. I decided I had to get help or our relationships were going to be shattered. My 2 are 11 and 16 .. I'm out of time and have to show in a short amout of time behaviors that need modeling now. I do not trust my X with the kids and he knows it through the courts. I encourage the kids to love him and dislike the behavior. They don't put up with a lot from either of us acting out. I don't need To Be strong for them. I need a healthier thought and behavior process for them to see. Keep coming back you are worth it. Hugs
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
