The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have found myself being rude when people around me start talking about other people around them. Not that they are talking badly of them, just pointing out what and how they do things contrary to their way and blah, blah, blah. I hate it! I don't want to hear about how someone else parents and how they live. I am unsure if it is me getting healthier or part of my sickness, but I can not stand to do it. I don't want to hear about who's kid is so badly behaved and who has this or that. I want to talk about things that matter to me, that ripples my life.
I think I have a good grasp on acceptance and whenever someone starts saying something about others I like to say well you aren't going to change them, and I get that look. I know I should just listen and hear them out and let people around me vent, but for crying out in the bucket, you can not change people! Get over it! I say this with a smile on my face even with exclamation marks. If a human could have changed someone well I would have already changed my Mom and exAH after all my years of miserable hard work in trying. So I am trying to discover within myself what the lesson is and maybe for me I need more acceptance that people are going to talk about other people and their lives and things unpleasing to me and I need to accept it. I am not going to change them either. Do I have to listen to it, well that is a whole other issue. I try to be a good listener, but people as a whole are not good at actually hearing. I am getting tired of listening to so many people talking over each other and how loud it can be. I am learning a lot about myself and want to have healthy and meaningful interactions while communicating.
Any and all ESH is welcome and I can handle some straightforward accountable holding conversation. I might just need it, to help me better deal with us as humans. Sending you all love and support on your journey's.
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you BF! Yes, gossip and talking about others who aren't present are negative behavoirs surfacing from others with low self esteem and being insecure with themselves. By talking about others they overlook their own problems and focus in on others. By doing so, they don't look too bad to themselves.
What comes to mind for me is: to some extent everyone is somewhat emotionally ill, frequently wrong, imperfect and trying to live life on lifes terms. Love and tolerance becomes our code. We can live and let others live. We can excuse ourselves from the drama if we choose to do so.
That's what The Program has taught me. It's not always easy to do, but we strive for progress, not perfection.
This is My Family to a T... Gossip is All they Know and they have an Opinion about EVERYTHING... I too have Learned that since I began this Journey in AL-Anon I Feel with my FOO Family all I Ever get done saying is: That isn't for Me to Judge, or That's None of my Business, Or I Have No Opinion about what they do with their Lives...
So I Completely Understand where you are coming from... Its a Cycle I have to Work Really Hard at Not Taking Place in...
I'm pretty good at ambling away when the conversation doesn't suit me; as an EMT I'm often asked about ambulance runs - people wanting to know who was taken and for what and any particulars they can get, I just shrug and say its not mine to tell and when they press my answer is simply, you wouldn't want me telling people what you got hauled to the hospital for, would you? I notice that expressions of understanding towards the talked about gets some to change the conversation - saying things like: Well I'm not them, maybe she has a good reason for how she does it, everybody has their own way of doing things, she does what works for her, or, its their life to live. Then I change the subject away from gossipy stuff because its boring!
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I understand your frustration. I seem to address this differently if I'm hearing it from someone else in the program. My anonymity is not at stake when hearing those conversations among program people. I can speak freely about our program tools and steps and it's like we're all of one mind and collectively find resolution and it often can leads to some productive sharing on powerlessness over others.
When hearing it from another audience such as family members, friends not in program etc. my tendency is to listen but sometimes for the sake of my own sanity try to redirect the person(s) to the purpose for which we've gathered like having a good time with one another, accomplishing a task with one another or remembering it's so and so's day that we came together to celebrate. I sometimes need to establish a boundary like this for the sake of my own sanity and to change up the negative energy because some people are perpetual complainers or self centered showboats who aren't happy unless they are creating drama. I don't feel obliged to stand there and be a hostage to this kind of thing just because I have a recovery program and perhaps they don't. For me, removing myself from this kind of unhealthy engagement is a good kind of selfishness so I will excuse myself and perhaps come back in ten minutes to see if the emotional climate has changed. If it hasn't and people are still finger pointing, I don't engage or comment. I try to adopt the live and let live attitude where it's all concerned and just keep my side of the street clean. Sometimes people who are going on in this kind of way boosting their own ego at the expense of others will then ask "so what do you think?" I like to say, "you know, I'd really like to talk about something else." I might ask them something about themself about something I know they are enthusiastic about. Honestly, it's a bit manipulative on my part to save my own sanity but it works. I've found it brings positive results. People love it when you are interested in something that interests them. For me, this helps to deflect the attention away from gossiping about other people which may be one of their hobbies but no longer one of mine since recovery.
You know breakingfree, I've found my circle of friends outside program is smaller than it had been before Alanon but I like the quality of the companionship. My friends are good with who they are and talk about what they are up to these days. If they do fill me in on other friends, criticism of them isn't included. We have full lives. From what you've shared here, it sounds like you have a full life too. Like anyone, those of us who are in Alanon have disappointments but we've learned to be vulnerable and share them rather than internalize them and have them come out sideways as self promotion and gossip about others. You're right, we can't change others. I really try to take a breath in these situations and work the topic of tolerance in relation to others as well as myself. It would be a lie to say, I've never done what you described in a moment when I was feeling particularly down about my own life situation. Like the people you've described; in that moment of discomfort I boosted my own ego at someone else's expense. The difference is I have a program to keep me mindful of what I'm feeling and esteemable actions to work through such feelings. I'm a work in progress. :) Thank goodness for Alanon. Thanks for your es&h. (((hugs)) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I realized a year/two ago that any gossip is unpleasant to me. My realization came when one of my boys suggested that I share too much about them to others, and it is there life and their story to tell. I listened to this and prayed on it and decided it was true. Good, bad or indifferent -- I try to avoid discussing anybody's life, experience, etc.
Since I have been focused on this change, I too find my friend circle beyond the program has gotten a bit more restricted. I am 100% OK with this as I am about quality vs. quantity too. It happens in the program too but even with good intentions, it's bothersome to me. I have one program 'friend' who when I ask how are you? I hear about her son, her sponsees, her sponsor - everyone but her. She also shares who is getting married, divorced, etc. and I have been very clear about my discomfort with this. She has a different value set and doesn't understand my interest in how she is not what she knows.
I've always been a good confidant, and those who know me well know this. I never share about one to another. I had to apply this value to my own boys/AH. If I am asked how someone is, I will say fine. I don't share beyond that as they need to have a relationship in spite of me. So - I get what you are saying and I honestly prefer to spend time with others who are on a personal quest for a better life vs. find enjoyment in focusing on others. It's surprising to me how quick to share many are, even with information that's spoken about in meetings. It blows me away and while there is no harm meant/intended, I still find it uncomfortable.
I too attempt to redirect the conversation to a neutral subject or the purpose of the gathering. My favorite slogan for me when I am around gossipy folks is simply, "Do Not Engage."
(((Hugs))) to all!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi breaking free, acceptance of life on life's terms and people for who they are is a true gift of the program.
Placing principles above personalities is also another powerful tool that I use when others begin to gossip criticize a judge others.
I validate my principles, by stating that I find it a waste my time discussing other people's activities as I'd much rather discuss what I can do to improve myself. That usually works.
At work, where gossip was the key to socializing. I simply said I have decided that gossiping is too destructive to my emotional health and I can't participate any longer. The other employees accepted me and did not try to change that.
I do believe that human nature does like to participate in gossip, criticizing judging in order to make themselves look better but I do not have to participate nor shame them because they're doing so.
