The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH was sober for 8mos before relapsing. I have forgotten how crazy I get since I went so long. He last few months have been bad. My children and I both afraid of what we may have coming home to us. He likes to argue, I try to not engage and that seems to anger him more. The screaming starts from him, leaving, driving to get more beer, coming back drunker. My kids become afraid, we usually leave, then it starts all over. A few days of sober, he even went back to an AA meeting this week, I went back to F2F alanon. He walks in tonight drunk. I asked him to go to the movies, he gets the look and says where are the kids? Starts muttering about nobody wanting to be around him. I just keep cleaning, next thing I know he confesses, he's had a drink. I don't know how to respond, at least he came home vs driving around for 4hrs and coming home smashed. Of course I know he's had more than a drink. I just don't know what to do. I've told him we will not be around if he drinks, well I can't afford another night in a hotel. Neither of us have family to stay with but he will never stay gone. At least I rremained calm and just said ok. Looks like I may avoid a fight tonight. He did ask if there were meetings tomorrow, which is Saturday, I told him I believe so and left it at that. So, now what happens tomorrow? Do I not bring this up, ask if he's going to a meeting? I have tons of stuff to be done around the house and I do not want to leave on my day off. Our kids are teenagers and they are tired of this. I just don't want to say or do the wrong thing. This is the first drunk night he's not trying to argue and fight. He's had two DUI's in 2 years, lost his job and went from a professional position to just working anywhere he can, since most companies can't insure him to use their vehicles, all because of alcohol, but he still won't stay away or do the work on himself.
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. He's asleep now, kids have not made it home so I have peace right now but my mind wonders to next week and I become very anxious as to what could happen. I will continue meetings, I am not going to lie, just having feedback without telling me MAKE HIM....gives me so much relief. Thank you.
I'm glad you have found us. This is obviously a long-term situation and not just a short-term one. Sadly most alcoholics do not achieve longterm sobriety, so planning for the longterm is realistic for most of us. Learning the Al-Anon tools and principles (which can't be summarized in one sentence) will help with longer-term decisions. In the short term, keeping your own peace and serenity is most important. I hope you'll read through the threads on this site, find a meeting, get the literature there or online, get support there, find a sponsor, and start on your journey to a better life. Hugs.
So sorry for the situation you and your family are in. As stated above, this disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. It tends to lay in wait raising itself up even in the best of recovery situations. Relapse is very hard for everyone affected by the disease, but does happen.
Working the Al-Anon program with all the tools and a sponsor will help you be able to survive and thrive no matter what the A is doing. For me, it's made me a better person and giving me more strength to endure and thrive in the most difficult of times.
Stay close - as close as you can - to the program and it seems to make the bad times better. If F2F meetings are not as often as you want, there are 2 meetings each day at MIP - the schedule is up to the top left on this page. When I am facing or going through difficult times, I often add these to my tool kit as it reminds me how to use the tools and live the program.
So glad you are here and know that you are not alone. We are just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That's a tricky one. Whenever I relaxed a boundary with A it was basically the end of the boundary completely. I feel for you!! Hugs. Stay in the now, and answers will come.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 18th of July 2015 06:30:29 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Welcome, Hope, so glad you are here. You're in a very difficult situation and I feel for you. When I first came to Alanon I had so many questions, fears, concerns about what to do about my qualifier's drinking, and felt tremendous pressure to do the "right" thing that would finally make the drinking stop.
I started attending as many F2F meetings as I could make time for, and reading three daily readers (Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Alanon, and Hope for Today) and the book Paths to Recovery. Right away I learned some basic concepts that drastically reduced my anxiety, fear, and anger within myself, as well as leading me to more effective ways of dealing with my qualifier.
Alanon, and Step 1 specifically, teaches us that we are powerless over others, including their drinking, but can drastically improve the quality of our own lives by making adjustments in our own thinking and in our expectations and engagements with our qualifier. The wisdom of the program has worked for many before us, has made an incredibly positive difference in my life, and I believe without a doubt that you can find the answers and peace you seek from it, too.
Please keep coming back, hang in there, our thoughts are with you...
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you all for replying, weekend went by no issues. I did not bring up the drinking Friday night. AH got off early tonight, I know the routine, he would drink. I get two different texts from my older kids, dads home, he has been drinking but I don't think he's drunk from my oldest who is 15, then I can't tell if he is drunk but he's grouchy from my youngest....Then.....where are we going to stay tonight?...I could feel my children's anxiety and in turn the last 45mins of my day was filled with sick stomach and myself eat up with anxiety. I text both of my kids, stay clear of him and we aren't going anywhere as long as he is not mean. This is something he and I had talked about when he was sober awhile back. I am tired of packing up when he drinks. So I get home, say hello to him, change clothes to head to town as I had planned earlier in the day. There was no fighting, just conversation about what I would get for dinner and from the store. I noticed both of my kids watching me nervously, I acted happy and we went to town without him. This was extremely hard for me because usually he would leave in his car to drink while we are gone. Long story short, kids and I had laughs, went to town, ate dinner and came home to a somewhat sober person. I was able to continue my evening just as I planned even though he was drinking. I would not have done that 2 weeks ago, so my response was not perfect, I did become anxious but I think more so for not knowing what was at home with my kids, but I can tell I'm getting better. I had a happy, calm evening and have two happy kids. Tomorrow is his AA meeting, do I ask tomorrow if he is going or just not bring it up?
I don't know if I'd bring it up or not. Commenting on those things is something that relates to your intentions, if it is said out of concern vs. to control, and if it going to help, hurt, or do nothing. You are the one to determine these things.
Hope Great use of alanon tools. Remembering that we are powerless over people, places and things, as the first step suggests, helps me to decide how to respond. I would examine my motives in asking the question and then proceed.
I would like to suggest "alateen meetings "for your children. With the anxiety and uncertainty that they are experiencing alateen will be able to give them useful healthy tools to live by.
Hope - Way to go!! I too see great use of the program and tools.
The anxiety will lesson as you become more comfortable with the program and the tools. Confidence is yet another gift of this program and well worth it!
Keep doing what you're doing - it looks good on you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can relate and am so glad you have face to face meetings. I am glad you didn't try to argue or hold him accountable for his actions, it was always just more crazy making for me. I just want to send you a huge amount of love and support!!!!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Great use of tools. I would not bring up the meeting. In Alanon one of the sayings is to mind your own busienss. Believe me I know that this is hard as I have struggled a lot with trying not to control my AH recovery. Whenever I have asked about a meeting and if he is going he gets defensive and then I get annoyed with his response, so I have found that not asking about them is the best thing for me. Best of luck and keep us posted. Sending you tons of positive energy and hoping your husband finds his way back to recovery.
