The material presented
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Where do those come from? If I didn't have any, I wouldn't feel let down or sad - right?
So how did they get in my head? I expect the man I marry to do "a", "b", "c" - but why? We never discussed these before we got married. We didn't write up a contract? Yet I hold him to it like there was a binding agreement....
Ugh. Hoping as I let go I will find the escape hatch or the exit button and press it letting all the expectations go along with my resentments.
I guess that all of us expect things sometimes. For me I have to learn how to not try to expect to figure out the outcome. One day at a time works for me. I cannot put one foot in the past & one foot in the future because mess all over today. Just some thoughts to ponder. I am not sure if I am of any help.
I struggle with this one a lot also. I think some of my expectations about marriage were formed in my youth, and others by society. The problem as you mentioned is that there was not enough discussion or agreement about our expectations before we married.
But the biggest issue for me is that when I realized this and wanted to have those discussions and make those agreements she refused! Her disease doesn't want her to get better, make progress or improve the quality of our life together, much less build a future.
Al-anon has helped me both stop expecting and stop reacting to expectations I didn't even realize I had.
Sounds like you are doing well managing the same thing. Keep it up!!
Sometimes our expectations are just assumptions but sometimes they are needs. Like if I get into a relationship, I have an "expectation" that I can talk to the person without him jumping down my throat all the time or rolling his eyes or acting like I'm an idiot. Sometimes that expectation of mine is an unrealistic expectation, given my track record of staying with people who do exactly those things. But I think the expectation sticks with me partly because it is a real need. The unrealistic part is expecting this person to do it. The realistic part is that those are healthy expectations for someone I would be happy to be with. So sometimes I think keeping those expectations is good - the part we have to change is the other person, not the expectations. If you follow me.
That's a really good point. I expected a rational adult and got an inebriated child. It's a reasonable expectation, but I no longer expect her to behave that way. I only expect me to respond like a rational adult and not mirror the inebriated child.
I believe that the my expectations, were developed in early childhood. I decided what the world should be like, how I should respond to it how I wanted to be in the world, and then went around trying to force that solution.
I was also told that if I take care of others, they would take care of me, and taking care of myself was selfish, so that I did have expectations that other would reciprocate. in like manner.
Al-Anon changed those expectations and taught me to place those principles and expectations on myself and fulfill them. I needed to focus on myself, examine my motives and keep placing principles above persoalaities. This helped me to lett go of expectations.
I too believe that our expectations are a result of our upbringing. What I've discovered as I've worked the steps and gotten smarter in this program is that I expect(ed) people to act as I wanted them or thought they should. I also learned that what I value (my value set) is vastly different than others - those who are As and those who are not.
I've learned through this program and working on me that what I do for others must be done with no anticipation of a return action. No matter who the person is, I should do it because I want to or it's right for me/my program and not for any other reason.
When dealing with my As, I have come to believe and accept that they see things way different than I do. When I believe they've let me down, they believe they've done their best with what they have/had at the moment. I also agree that when I resent another or feel let down by what they did/did not do, I am moving away from my program and need to right-size myself and align better with HP and his will, not mine.
(((Hugs))) to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Interesting perspective. I was once told not to expect anything from someone who could not deliver it. That our relationship would be much easier if I realized that person could not deliver on my expectations of her. So to accept her as she was or walk away from the friendship. But a relationship with a spouse or partner is so much different. I think there are inherent expectations in such a relationship- love, respect, support and caring. Having each other's backs. And the realism that you cannot change your partner's characteristics.
I remember in the early years of our marriage wanting my husband to be more like my father. One of my sisters took me aside and said, " You were drawn to a person who is almost the complete opposite of our father for a reason. And hey, you don't even LIKE dad's personality!" She was right- I didn't like him much at all although I loved him. Made me back up my thinking and really delve into me, taking the emphasis off my husband. Did me a lot of good too.
But I still think that there are built in expectations in a relationship that are universal.
Thank you for your feedback and quotes everyone. I think the big question is can I expect my AH to love my children ( who are not his)? I expected that he would - as my step father adopted and raised me with a lot of love. It's been 4 years and it's as plain as the nose on my face that this expectation needs to be reassessed! LOL.
Minimally, I would be happy if he just liked them and was attentive and interested in them...
But considering that isn't happening, I have a decision to make.
I thought if he got sober some of that behavior would change and it hasn't.
Then I waited several months, I watched him go to less and less meetings and revert to his old behavior.
My children are invisible, and it causes me pain to see them needing to be seen.
Hi, Ledfoot Jenny, I do understand that this can be a very difficult and painful situation. I do believe that discussing what you would like to happen between your partner and your children, is extremely important.
I can see why you would have expected this to happen, since you experienced it as a child, but simply having an expectations of others sets us up for many disappointments.
I would open the door to communication on this issue , explain how I feel, what I believe that children need, and see what his response is. Then negotiations can occur.
Prayers and positive thoughts on the way.
Expectations in marriage for me come from my faith as it is clearly defined for me via my religion and the bible. Also this topic came up in our marriage counseling. I told the counselor I have been told I can have no expectations whatsoever of my A because he is grown up, can do what he wants and that if I have an expectation then I really am just creating resentments. He about fell out of his chair and told me that yes it is completely normal to have an expectation in marriage, it is one that is written in the very vows we exchanged.
, ___, take you, ___, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."
"I, ___, take you, ___, to be my husband/wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life.
Also, when you take the vow of marriage, you both know that it's teamwork, not I work or me work, it's we work. So yes my A is expected to work and provide for his family, just as I do. Of course it would be expected that he take the trash down and I cook a meal for him every night....little daily living things that we agreed to do based on what we like to do and what we are good at, I can take out trash just fine, but absolutely hate to and he isn't really a super great cook other than frozen pizza. I will bend quite often for my A as he has such a different view at times of things than I do. He thinks at times because he mowed the grass he has just shown me undying love, LOL....nope that isn't true, I say you mowed which is to be expected if you are a homeowner and want to enjoy the lawn and not get a ticket for too tall of grass. Little things such as this would have been the most giant, dramatic issues but are no longer. I don't have to get angry with his view of the world and force to be the same as mine, we don't have to yell, holler and bring up old stuff anymore, we can discuss and even laugh at times about some of the absurd insane thinking that has gone one....but I can expect him to be a willing participant in our married life.
As for parenting and blended families I really don't think you can control how or if another loves someone else. I do think if he agreed to be with you, he knew children are involved and that makes him responsible as well. A's can't be that for anyone, they can barely love themselves. My A is extremely jealous of the relationship my daughter and I have and will at times be nice and loving to her and at others downright mean. He is not her Dad. I don't try to force him to like or love her, I only request he show respect when she is over visiting my home and me..in other words if his jealous monster shows up he needs to walk away, call someone, go to another room and not inject meaness on her and take her joy. We openly and honestly talk about this, calmly rationally. I hope you keep coming back.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Expectations are future let downs and will hurt you every time. I had to learn not to expect anything and when someone did something I deemed the right thing to be pleasantly surprised. I used to wait for my kids to do their chores, but that didn't happen so I make a list and write down what I would like done. I have learned to say what I mean, mean what I say without saying it mean and lo and behold I am not as let down when I communicate what I want. I can't expect anyone to read my mind figure out my hints nor waste time trying any longer. I have learned to say it out loud and I love when people say I hear you. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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