Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Gahhhh, so angry :-(

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Ms.M. " Face ache" has no rights in your home and your body is healthy enough to respond to his invasion--You are no longer shut down-- good work.

I love how you handled the situation and do believe that you can now formulate a plan "B" for any future intrusions. Thanks for sharing.
i

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh boy, he's like a professional violator of boundaries.

It is so hard to know what to do on the spur of the moment because the person is not respecting the normal rules of behavior at all. Basically you're left wondering "How do I handle a crazy person?" Almost like someone delusional or hallucinatory.

I know my ex-A had absolutely zero boundaries in a crazy way. I have already told how he used to let himself into my house (long after we split up) when I wasn't there and cook stuff, and then put junk in my car. Like to store it. Not "stuff," but actual junk.

I found I had to take serious emergency defense. Changed all locks, made sure there was absolutely no reason or excuse for him ever to have a key. The "good" side is that he is so chaotic that there's no way he could hide his tracks, so I can be sure he's not getting in any more - things are always as I left them!

I have actually refused to let him come in, sometimes when he's too pushy. (In your case I think the "sometimes" would be "always.") They say that that's how criminals operate - they push you to the point where you don't want to be impolite - "Aren't you going to invite me in?" they say, pressuring, pressuring... "You can come back in half an hour when [child] is ready, there's a coffee shop down the road..." "But..." [sound of door lock clicking].

So glad you are no longer with this guy. Yay you! Keep taking good care of yourself.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Betty.
Your perspective is calm and encouraging as it always is.
You're right; it probably is normal to react with fear and shock to someone aggressively invading your home and this is probably not a situation where I need to question my reaction or try to modify it in future. It needs to be prevented, not managed.
What matters is that he does not have a right to invade my home like that and I need to decide what action to take to prevent it from happening again.
It is difficult with someone who does not listen or pay any attention to my words or actions and does whatever he likes regardless.
I can think of a million "easy" ways, like not being here, being in the shower until daughter arrives home, telling him he can't come in because I have just mopped the floors, having ABF here next time he comes (that's tempting but then I'm just feeding the whole misogynist paradigm that is making me angry in the first place).
But the bottom line is I need to find a way to make sure he knows he is not welcome and will not be allowed entry in future and that's difficult with someone who completely dismisses every word I say.

On the bright side, he wasn't stoned this time. That's something.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Absolute Wow! We may have been married to the same person! Mine used to come into my house and look everywhere, especially my fridge to see if I had any liquor/beer in it, then later he would blast it at me in self-righteous anger. Formulating a Plan B for me would include talking to the authorities to hear what they suggest - you asked him to leave and he refused, next step, grab the phone on the way to the bathroom and lock said door, dial 911 (is it 911 where you live?). I'm sorry he put you through that, and so glad to hear the righteous anger in your post! I remember being angry when my first ex picked up his daughter and used the toilet and left the seat up - ha, years of living with it up didn't bother me but once he was gone, him leaving it up royally ticked me off!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Mattie.
You are quite right, it is exactly how criminals operate and I know that I cannot trust him for a moment. He executed today events in that exact way, relying on me being too polite to defend my boundaries. So I need to learn from this; there is no room for polite with this man. Yes, no, and "click" as I close the door or hang up the phone. When will I learn?

As Aesop notes, "I am rightly served for pitying a scoundrel".

He's made it very clear that his only wish is for me to fall apart and daughter to be doing badly so that he can take custody. So I know and have known for a long time that all he wants is evidence that proves I am an unfit mother. Hence having him enter my crappy run down little home was not a happy experience. I know exactly what he is looking for...any evidence that shows I am a less than stellar human being. Although I retraced his steps 5 or 6 times and there was nothing concerning he might have seen, aside from the general crappiness of our current abode. It is neat, tidy, servicable and distinctly bereft of child prostitution rings, meth labs, terrorist organisations, sweat shops, chop shops or illegal shark-finning operations. Or whatever it was he was looking for.

He is even refusing to acknowledge her first high school report which was released 3 weeks ago now. She did really well so it's hurtful to her that he won't acknowledge it. Daughter says he is angry because he wants her to fail at her school so he can insist she live with him and go to the school he wants her to go to. She says she thinks he is angry that she is doing well and I suspect she is quite right.
Bearing in mind how hard she worked to get into her school and her advanced program, its pretty sad and awful that he wont even acknowledge her efforts and he even keeps trying to organise trips that cause her to miss school days as well.

After all of their insistence that she has psychological issues and needs "serious psychological help" she is now seeing a psychologist. The psychologist, out of interest, tells me that daughter seems well adjusted, happy and secure, and that "she is headstrong and rebellious but I have a sneaking suspicion that you love that about her", and that "all I can really see to do with her is help her refine her career goals, priorities and time-management because she seems to have pretty much everything else covered". She's assured me that she would alert me if she had any real concerns and that she feels that daughter's distressing cutting/instagram incident was "an unfortunate experiment that backfired badly, but I think she learnt a valuable lesson". But anyway I haven't told him any of that; there has been no discussion- I've been very transparent and I invited him to attend a family session and he didn't bother to respond...and then last time daughter went to his house she came back angry and said "(dad's wife) told me psychologists are useless and her mum made her see one one with her sister when she was young and all the psychologist did was tell her mum she should allow her sister to smoke cigarettes". So they wanted her to see a psychologist when they thought it would prove that she was miserable and screwed up and then when I actually took her to a psychologist, suddenly psychologists are useless and screw people up even worse. There is no engagement with what is actually happening, there is just this dogged determination to prove what they want to be true.

It's as if they are soley focused on trying to prove their narrative where I am evil and daughter is being corrupted and ruined. But the years keep rolling on by, and daughter is such a magnificent kid, and he's missing all of it, stuck in his determination to prove that she is disadvantaged, and damaged through her exposure to me. Refusing to read he school report is so wrong. And I'm the messed up parent?

Anyway sorry, I digress.
I'm just frustrated about what transpired today, and that she is at their house now, and that I know it's not good to project but I can say with 99% certainty that what comes next will be a lot of coercement to her and to myself to "let her go and live with him because lets face it, we have a nice normal house and you are obviously not coping nor able to provide decent accommodation". I would guess that was the purpose of his invasion today; to gather evidence that I am too poor to be a decent mother.

And I guess none of that matters really; he has no real platform from which to attack me from; he's nobody. Irrelevant.

Sorry for babbling on and on; that encounter today really shook me up and I'm still having a hard time calming down.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It is crazy and infuriating. Those might as well be his middle names, he is so unquestionably crazy and infuriating.

Of course, if he really wanted your daughter to live in wealthier surroundings, he could pay more child support for her to do so.

But it sounds like you've got his number - his "narrative" is "She's doing it wrong and I am the one who's right." Such an intractable narrative from people like this.

You have a whole lot of stability and perception and common sense in the face of a whole lot of crazymaking behavior.

I think if I were in this position, I simply wouldn't unlock the door to him, any more than I would to a shady "salesman" who appeared at the front door. You can shout through a closed door. Of course people who push boundaries hate it when you set a boundary and make a huge "Let me tromp all over you!" fuss. But cripes. Has he earned entry into your house? He has dis-earned it.

Of course you know what to do about this far more than any of us because you know the man himself.

It must be really aggravating to be a master manipulator and to realize that you're up against a master Al-Anoner with healthy boundaries. Kryptonite to the manipulators! You go, Meliss!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

True.
It's just an invitation to step up my program really.
I can work with that

Herbalist13 · Member

Wow. What a hot bowl of craziness from which I'm sure you want no more servings.

By the way, I'm glad it's not just me who would start to hyperventilate, have heart palpitations, and basically feel as if I was going to blow a gasket when being screamed at that I was the one with problems - and be unable to defend myself or even speak because he would just shout over me - (and then you wonder if you're going insane after it's over).

You and your daughter's physical and emotional safety is paramount, so I would do the same as others suggest: treat him like the delusional stalker/criminal he is and never let him in the house again. Insist that if he needs contact with you or your daughter that it is in public or with a trusted friend nearby - male or female - in a non-home setting. He has no right to demand anything of you, those rights were forfeited long ago.

Maybe you should suggest holding all future encounters in the parking lot at the local police station ;) I doubt he would see the humour in that, but hey why not give it a try ;)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Miss Meliss how can I help you? I am a former alternatives to violence and abuse men's case manager and I put a star next to like my heart's response to your post. Do what she suggest as it is what I would do for any of the wives of the men I use to counsel...I would do it!!! I would make the call 911 or otherwise to have the police and courts intervene. Do you have a 911 call system...do you have civil courts. What he did was break the law...not just your law but civil law. That was a threatening invasion not only on your rights and on your and your daughter's safety. If you are reading this...make the call now and come back and finish reading. This mans intimidation is using your fear against yourself and that becomes two against you. Make the call...the charges are invasion of privacy, abusive language and behavior, threats of violence, violation of your private property, private rights, refusal to leave when demanded and violation of a divorce decree. Make the call now and get his ass stopped. Ask for money from him thru the court and make it large...go now and do it. You can PM me for any other support from my experiences. ((((hugs)))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 17th of July 2015 01:12:20 PM

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

MissM, so sorry you are experiencing this nasty side of your XAH. When I

filed for divorce from my first husband, he prolonged the divorce by about

3 years, in an effort to do the same thing that your X is doing. I let him

dig his own whole and he eventually covered himself up as well. The less

I said to him the better, because for all his intrusion and shadowing he

found nothing to back up his allegations that I was unfit. Has your X

hauled you into court (mine did) trying to prove that you are unfit? The

courts did not look kindly on my X for all the useless and unfounded

complaints, and the courts actually agreed with the kids and did not

push on them visitation. I am praying for your peace and serenity!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone, and Mattie, almost felt as if you were sitting across from me.
Do you know, you have such "lightbulb" insights, you say stuff that I copy and paste onto sticky notes on my desktop to remember for the day and yet, I don't know much about you or your own story. I have some issues with MIP where I can't see old posts so I can't seem to go searching. If you ever have the urge to write it again, I'd love to hear your story.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry, I had the opportunity to say no. When he was pushing his way in the door and saying "you don't mind if I come in" I could have said "Yes I do mind" and pushed him back out. He's afraid of the law and in that sense managable. My mistake was faltering and trying to be polite, not wanting to make a fuss basically.
You ask how you can help me.
You can help me by giving me some tips from your very great bank of knowledge about asserting myself in confronting situations. I feel as though these various unpleasant men in my life have come to rely on my very pliable and meek nature. They are much bigger than me. I need to learn to be David Vs Goliath basically.
And damn the fact that I am attracted to gigantic muscular idiots.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Debb he took me to mediation; here in Australia mediation must be tried before you can do family court.
I had the same experience; the mediation people said "well its normal to give the non custodial parent access every second weekend" and I said" he has that already, I encourage it, I want her to have a relationship with her father" and Face Ache said "we think we should have 3 weekends every month" (he refers to himself and his wife as "we" as if they are the pope of Rome, it's sort of funny) and the mediator looked at the massive travel distance and asked him, do you think that is very practical?
he then tried to say he wanted 50/50 custody and once again, are you kidding?
It was as joke and they made it clear they felt he was making nuisance complaints and had suitable access.
I'm a good mother; I've always encouraged and facilitated a relationship between my daughter and her father.
The one thing he signed an agreement to in mediation was that on his weekends with her, he would meet her usual obligations such as parties or school events. He was so emphatic, OF COURSE I WILL!!! He is yet to take her to a single one and that was about 6 years ago.
So yes as you say, useless, unfounded complaints.
I guess it's all just an irritation, not a threat.
There is no reason for me to fear him. I need to remember what i always said about this man.
There's no need to do anything. Give him enough rope and he will (do the proverbial).

-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 17th of July 2015 02:13:42 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Mel one of the things I practiced, practiced, practiced was hearing myself say the "opposites" of what I habitually use to say. The "No" statements, the "leave" statements and the others...I had to get use to that language and so I practice them every chance I got by myself and with others until the opposites became usual and appropriate. I put up with my alcoholic/addicts reactions to my opposites and continued to follow thru in spite of her reactions to hearing the noes and getting the body language that I was acting the out. Yes at first I was concerned and afraid of the newness in my behavior and that I would faint in the practice and all I needed was one success...one AHA!! and the rush of courage along with watching her bend made all the difference in the world. Some of it was simple like saying I "won't" talk now (rather than I can't talk now without committing to a later time to replying "That's not true" when she told me a put down. I practiced a lot of opposites as my sponsor taught me to do and didn't rely on my default behaviors which were the ones that got me in and kept me in trouble. I used the police and other sources of help to keep me out of trouble.

The only thing I had to change was me. I even changed my name...lol It works when you work it and I try to work it all using the filter...take what you like and leave the rest. I killed all expectation of perfection so my self judgment was humbling and honest and mostly in line with my sponsor and the program.

This does work when you work it. In support...((((hugs)))) smile

Yes I do mind....yes I do mind...Yes I mind greatly...I exactly mind...get out. I exactly mind...get out...now. I exactly mind...get out...NOW...CAN ANYBODY HELP ME!!...I have a divorce agreement that says you are no longer allowed here or anywhere else in my life...get out now...Hello is there a police officer there I can talk to? etc etc.

-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 17th of July 2015 05:12:15 PM

Herbalist13 · Member

MissM, I can tell you one thing, you are absolutely a warrior goddess in training. Can I tell you how hard it was for me to overcome the cultural conditioning that women have to be polite, conducive, pacifying, enabling, facilitative, and basically stuff themselves in tubesocks before they speak their minds? (I'm in the US). And this is me who was raised in a single-mom family, went to a women's college, was a feminista from day one, but still, under stress: the "be nice, don't hurt anybody's feelings, be polite and don't make a fuss" script sometimes took over, for YEARS. I am happy to report this can be cured. Screw that. You know the drill. Document your behavior but also document his, in case it needs to to come up in court for some reason. Keep good notes, keep your eyes peeled and change your locks as often as necessary. Get this cancerous barnacle out of your life so that you can move on ;) Hugs!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks herbalist; I actually thought I was the only person in the world who reacted to stress that way...until I found al-anon and found my people, lol.
It does make me feel very sad and ill that women are so conditioned to be nice and polite no matter what is being done to them; when someone is being crazy, abusive or just plain nasty or annoying I can hear my mothers voice...'oh you're too sensitive. I think you've misunderstood. I don't think that really happened. I think you've imagined it. I don't think they meant it like that" and so on. And I guess that's what her mother taught her and so on back down the line. So they complain endlessly about unpleasant people but then are sickeningly polite to the same people who take it as a green light to go right ahead doing what they do...I would so love to turn it around.
If there were assertiveness class I'd so take them.

Jerry opposites is nice and simple; I like it and I'm going to adopt that as my confrontation mantra now; starting with handover tomorrow night. Whatever I feel inclined to do and say, I'll "do the opposite!!" Can I come in? No. But I need to pee! Theres a maccas down the road. They have toilets. Click!

OK and now I am in a fit of giggles picturing myself opening the back door instead of the front when they arrive, greeting them with "goodbye!" and if he asks if I've had a good weekend, screaming "NO!!" at him and slamming the door. hehe

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

And that's another interesting point that strangely I never thought of before.
When he divorced me, he basically made a commitment to get out of my life. I might point that out, repeatedly, whenever he is intrusive. Like most things, it might sink in with some persistence.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Missmeliss -

So sorry for the invasion of your peace and serenity. The good news - it's now in the past and hopefully, you can learn from it and do different next time. I can be also easily intimidated by crazy people, it's a natural response when we feel cornered/pressured into situations we did not select. My sons tower over me and can be aggressive when they don't get their way, and they now know I will call the police for assistance if I feel threatened in any way - raised voices, names, screaming, etc. I've done it before for each of them, and they ended up with domestic violence/trespassing charges. It's not the preferred method, but it's always an option and they have more self-control now relative to my boundaries.

Huge Hugs for you - know that positive thoughts and prayers are headed your way!!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks DMB, just to clarify this was my ex husband who invited himself into my home yesterday, not my recent abf. He hasn't been in my home for many years and took me by complete surprise, which can only happen once. He's also not particularly violent, just sneaky and manipulative and he yells. I've no intention of allowing him in ever again and now I know to be on my guard. I have noticed his behavior has declined rapidly since his father passed away recently. I really hope it's temporary and perhaps grief related. He was a lot more reasonable and predictable before. But regardless of that i don't intend allowing him in my home again, I just need a clear plan for making sure he doesn't push his way in again. I'm going to tell him when I see him next I wont be allowing him in again so there is no confusion and I wont be arguing about it either.

As to my home; this is all I can afford, right now. Crappy accomodations are the short term cost of no longer living with ABF and that isn't selling myself short, it's gritting my teeth and doing what's necessary to give myself and my daughter what we deserve which is living without fear, or harassment. It's a positive step and temporary. However we lived in nice houses by the beach before and I do find this place depressing and embarrassing by comparison, sure. I don't have a viable alternative and it's not falling down or anything, it's servicable. It's just ugly and not what I am used to. It's a stepping stone and I'll try to avoid whinging about it in future; didn't realise I mention it so often!

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Firstly, I love your new hairdo. Its gorgeous! What he did was rude. How you interpret it and what you allow in future are in your control and outside of his power. Police are a tool, daughters getting older, he absolutely has no right to come in your house.end of story. Anything beyond that fact is taking another's inventory in my view.no is a complete sentence; he simply caught you off your guard and now you're moving through shock. Testament to progress, as no one in their right mind would act as he did,thus noone sane could anticipate it after 11 years. Chin up. DMB, I don't know where you get the idea courts are mother friendly. Far too frequently they simply enforce psychological violence into law and moat certainly do make women bend to fit the demands of former partners.I say this only because sometimes it is better to take responsibility where we can, through programme,self care, and strength, as opposed to relying on systems that are in themselves frequently affects by the confusion of family addiction without a programme to get well.

Fairlee · Senior Member

Oh this sounds horrible! How could any human believe it is ok for them to barge into someone else's home and behave in that way? If it was me, I would let it be known to him that he is no longer allowed to come early to pick up ya'll's daughter and that there is no reason why he needs to enter your home if he cannot behave like a gentleman. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this and your reaction sounds so painful - pure anxiety! It sounds like it makes his day to know he has upset you! He is nothing but a big bully. Next time remember that he has absolutely no say over you or your house...he is not welcome! If you happen to have a friend who is a male, I would ask him to be around next time face-ache comes...he sounds like he only picks on girls and is intimidated by other males.

almostThere · Senior Member

MM this post pisses ME off. I wish I could be there to dole out a most non-al-anon dose of backsliding to this cartoon character. My body betrays me too and it's frustrating. Keep working it. You have such great insight. I love watching you move forward. ((((Hugs))))

Doingmybest · Senior Member

I have removed my " offensive" post and will keep my comments to myself in the future.

I wish you well Miss M.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't find your post offensive DMB and I'm not sure why you think it was perceived so.

A41 this is the result of a home dye job and a mira-curl device lol. Totally worthwhile investment

Police are a tool I will use if he tries to gain entry again; not because they will do anything but because the mere act of calling them him will scare him. Unlike ABF he fears the law and that makes him a lot less scary.

Thanks everyone for the support. I am surprised at how badly it got to me, having him in my home; it took me more than a day to get right again and start smiling.
I think I've learned a valuable lesson from the experience. Somehow I've been able to apply my tools to everyone else in my life- abf, mother, bitchy aunt, drunk brother etc but not face-ache. For some reason I continue to believe that there is a "right" way to communicate with him and carry around a big sack full of shame and humiliation. After that experience I think I can put that bag of shame down now and stop holding on to the idea that communication and mutually beneficial exchanges are possible. It was also a big bold reminder not to trust him of be lulled into giving up information or give him any leverage. He will never be a friend although he does at times pretend.

I can learn from it, anyway. It's all good

-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 19th of July 2015 02:15:10 AM

-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 19th of July 2015 02:16:28 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I noticed Mel that you started having problems with him again the minute your ABF was no longer around so much. I don't know how much that is you or him....neither? I dunno. But it seems some relation. Maybe he was scared of the ABF also? Not a good reason to have ABF around but it could be related...

Anyhow, I also suspect that there have been so many incidents in your past where you had to "keep it calm" and "play nice" to keep violence and outbursts to a minimum that this is your default reaction to escalating conflicts. I'm really not trying to do a psych analysis here. Only reinforcing that your reactions do make sense when you take into account your life history. So be kind to yourself okay?

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I have examined my part in it as much as possible and believe me if there was something to own I'd own it. It's easier when there's something to own and something to work on but with this, it doesn't seem to matter what I do, he just pushes and pushes and uses the fact that we have a child together to justify it. And it makes me feel so freaking helpless and angry.

The simple truth is I don't harrass him, I don't turn up at his house and barge in, I don't make demands of him or comment on what he does, I don't have my wife call, text and badger him relentlessly (Many times ABF wanted to go and see him and "put him in his place" and I never allowed him to make any sort of contact with him on my behalf). I don't bother him, ask him for anything or impede his relationship with his daughter. In my version of utopia he and I would not have reason to speak or share the same air ever again. He makes my skin crawl; to quote the delightful hope floats, I got the best part of him already... and she's
...well she's in her room giggling hysterically and has just called out and announced that she is giving the cat a dutch oven.

I did notice that when ABF and I first ceased living together faceache was very friendly and then one day I turned up at his house to collect daughter, I was driving and ABF riding shotgun and he lost it....he opened his front door, saw ABF out in the car and threw a tantrum, "who's THAT, what the F is he doing with you" (???) and smacked the door really hard making me jump, I was quite shocked and really couldn't figure out why he cared who I was with (hello...divorced 11 years...he has a wife and 2 little children...???)

But true enough he has reverted to the text harassment and badgering, sending constant demands for me to do things for him (sometimes I think that when he pays child support he thinks it means I am employed as his girl friday) and now this home invasion. Yes he was afraid of ABF 100% and that was why he stopped invading my home 9 years or so ago however I thought there had been growth and maturing in that time and really I'm shocked to see him revert back to it as soon as I am not "protected"; I wonder if he is extra charged up and vengeful after not being able to push me around for such a long time?

Either way the only difference in my actions is perhaps that I notice more; I'm not consumed by ABF and the nonsense and I suppose I also feel a lot more vulnerable without him around. Many, many people do not treat single mothers with respect and seem to feel that it is their right, nay their responsibility to forcefully lay down their opinions and question the stability/health/suitability of the home and family unit. I was appalled by it when I was first single and then surprised to see people (other parents, school teachers, etc) treat me far more respectfully when it became known that I had a male person in the home once more.

But I am stronger now, and I have a zillion good tools at my disposal and all of you good people to help me reinforce my boundaries. I can't change what people think, and I can't force anyone to respect me or see me the way I think they should see me. He won't change, no matter what I say or do. So I must.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 19th of July 2015 09:25:54 AM

-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 19th of July 2015 09:29:13 AM

Quakeroat · Veteran Member

I think someone on here recently said "Say what u mean without being mean" probably Betty.

but I can't see why u need to make excuses for not having this man in your house, tell him straight he violates your privacy and u are not prepared to put up with it again.

if your daughter gives u flack stick to your guns and mean what u say without being mean

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Aaaand 12 year old daughter has come home with her eyelashes tinted. Stepmother took her yesterday.
I suspect they are trying to get me to snap. I more than suspect it. They are nothing if not predictable.
What can I do? I am making candles this evening. I told daughter she is of an age now where she can use her discernment and if she accepts appearance-altering services from her step mother that she knows I will be angry about (bear in mind that Mrs Face Ache pierced my daughters ears when she was 5 without asking me and cut off her waist length hair into a short bob) then the issue will be between her and I. I'll simply treat it as if she has done it without permission. Step woman has no jurisdiction. When she was a child it was much more upsetting as she had no judgement of her own. Now she'll have to own a part of it because there's just no alternative and she's old enough to say 'I better check with my mum" before having something drastic done.
It's becoming quite an issue because stepmother has tattoos and I can very, very well imagine her taking my girl to get one as a giant F.U to me.

I guess I can also let her get a piercing she wants which I was delaying thinking it would upset her father. They have sure never cared about what upsets me.

One thing I won't do is react to those awful people. Now, candles. Apple and vanilla...I'm calling them "custard apple". They smell DIVINE.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Mel .. I have been following this post and it truly floors me the lack of healthy boundaries in the world. What I see is that this man thinks of you as a possession which ironically is classic alcoholic behavior. He also appears to believe things are back to status quo as in before the ABF. There is no rationalizing with an irrational person. End story. I would document what is happening and now that you have time and perspective how this made you feel. Find another way to take action in the situation and do the next right thing for you. Please note .. For me taking care of me means healthy boundaries. The kid thing sounds like a major tweak .. Let it go. Although as the responsible parent I would throttle him in my dreams. Hugs ð

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks serenity. I suspect you're right and I also am realising just by reeading back over my thoughts on this that I have no responsibility or imperative to make him think differently. He can see me as whatever he wants. So can his wife. As long as I don't have to see them or know about it.
The mum stuff does matter though.
This is the only daughter I have or will ever have.
Step woman has pierced here ears, chopped off her beautiful long hair, bleached her hair (when she was 7) took her to buy her first bras, got her coloured contact lenses, now tinted her eye-lashes, she is systematically taking away every "first" I was going to enjoy with my daughter and she does these things too early to be sure she gets in first, ie piercing her ears when she turned 5. Who does that?

Anyway I thought I had let this stuff go; I guess that was when I thought we had all matured and learned and moved on. I don't want to get stuck on it but at the same time I endured it for years and never stood up for myself which is how it got so bad in the first place; I had no boundaries and no tools and it just kept escalating into ridiculous scenarios. Now I do have boundaries and a whole lot of tools so if this is the next step in my dealing with "life after ABF" then...bring it on I guess. I'm powerless to make them see what I see....but not helpless or doomed to be a victim.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 20th of July 2015 08:31:48 AM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess I have an advantage that my XAH is terrified of the new me .. The new me doesn't play games and seriously won't tolerate a bunch of crap. So I'm "crazy" lol hey .. If that's his truth ave it keeps him from getting totally stupid then by all means I'm ok with that. The things you mentioned are justifiable homicide .. Well ok .. Not so much to act out however seriously fun to fantasize. That is how I let go .. I find the serious warped sense of humor in it. You can still do the firsts it will be the ones that count. They are with you. I disregard things like that because it just doesn't count. Kind of like becoming a second time virgin .. Don't ask lol. I'm referring to myself not daughter to qualify. Big hugs .. I can empathize with your frustration for a different reason.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow after reading all this, I am a bit peeved with ache face for you. As intimidating as my exAH could be, he hasn't ever dared to push past me into my home and I am truly unsure how I would handle it. I am glad you are willing to do what you need to feel safe in your home and if calling the police is what it takes. I am so glad you are here and are getting stronger. You are beautiful and deserve better! Sending you love and support always!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene