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I feel pure anger and rage at my alcoholic bf. In fact I can not stand to be near him. I just hate his guts with a passion. All he does is drink, sleep, work. And now that his brother has passed away, he is really drinking. He flies across the country on Sunday for a week. I can not wait for him to leave. Just to not have to look at his face or have is presence near me. Today, I came back from a meeting (AA) no al-anon during day, and he was drinking. I blew it! It turned into him throwing things in my face. I had slapped him in the face and hit him during the past year and called the police on him, recently. I slapped him as he had called me lazy and good for nothing. I flipped a lid. I had been verbally abused all my life and I will not allow anyone to call me down again, especially a man. I had hit him because he was calling my daughter down (she is disabled) and the last time I called the police on him as he was verbally abusive toward me and threatened to punch me through the window and demanded me and my daughter leave his house (I have title on house). I have lost all trust with him and hate his guts. I am trying to be cival and just leave him alone but its hard as I get triggered so much just by looking at him. I see a pattern happening for me..I get involved with a relationship and after a year, I hate the person and want out. I am not sure why this happens and I want out so badly that I hate the person so much. I just know right now I feel full of rage, anger and hate. They say other people are mirrors to ourselves and we need to accept that but its so hard for me right now. I just hate the way I feel right now. I want to feel happy, loving, respected, valued and I get nothing from bf but his pity me bullshit and how hard life is for him. He is so selfish its sick. I just can not wait till he leaves. I plan to get away myself with my daughter so I can get out of city and be as far away as I can from him. I do not want to receive a phone call from him either. I just know in my heart of hearts I am done giving and wanting to be in this sick messed up relationship. I just do not care anymore what he does. Just stay the hell away from me. I can not even tolerate his sick voice either. He has gone to the bar now and its 3:45pm. I expect he will be home later, drunk and crying the pity party blues and how the world is messed up. I know understand why his own family do not trust him either and why he has gone through marriages like a bottle of beer. He is very, very sick. I am angry at myself for once again getting into a relationship with a sick person. When will I ever learn? When will I ever get it? I just keep going from one sick relationship to another and getting the same results over and over again. Why can I not see the positives of the person rather than the negatives? I am angry and hurt and frustrated that I keep going to the same crisis over and over again and nothing changes? When will I ever get that I am the one to change? what is holding me back? Am I that sick myself that I have to accept this insanity over and over again? I am angry! Thanks for letting me vent!
This is very sad and serious. Of course physical abuse does not solve any problems any more than drinking does, except that it causes problems in that you can be charged with violence and convicted and the legal consequences could be considerable. That is a danger even apart from other dangers (for instance that he might abuse you back, that your daughter might become involved, etc.) This shows how serious this situation is. Since you are determined that you don't want him around (which I'm sure none of us can blame you for and all of us can well understand), what stops you separating? That sounds like something that would give you great peace and remove all the issues that come with domestic violence. I hope you will take steps to figure out how that could move forward? At Al-Anon we are asked not to give advice except in cases where violence is a danger, and this seems to be one of them, which is why I am saying this in this way. You deserve happiness and a peaceful life. I hope you will take the steps to start that life. No one should have to live in pain and chaos. You do not have to hand him over the power by waiting till he leaves.
As to why you can't see just the good things about him - I think that is your healthy mind working. The good things in a chaostic alcoholic are small and hidden and in no wau override the insane and damaging things. It's like when you see a tornado coming, you don't say "Why can't I just see the good things about this wind?" You get the heck out of there. Alcoholics are tornadoes. It's not a mark of good health to stay in their path.
As to why it happens over and over - I'm sure all of us here have wondered that about ourselves. I think it happens when we haven't done enough recovery work on ourselves that we know how to recognize red flags early, and how to take care of ourselves during the fear and confusion and questioning that come with leaving a relationship. We need to know how to read those as signs of our own addiction rather than "real" feelings. And we have the support of the program and our group and a sponsor. Without those things we are like the alcoholic trying to white-knuckle it to sobriety and thinking "Why can't I just make this happen?"
Hope you will get the support of all of those things and take care of yourself. Hugs.
-- Edited by Mattie on Thursday 16th of July 2015 05:05:56 PM
I did threaten him with a restraining order or emergency protection order as the police had been here and my daughter and I had to leave the house and go to a hotel room for 2 days to get away from his drinking. Today he said I have these threats rolling around in my head and you are a thieving, deceitful, get what you can person at the expense of anyone and you hit me and I never laid a hand on you and you called the cops. I just did not respond and said what ever and walked away. This is a person that just said a couple of hours ago we need to get married as soon as possible. One extreme to another. No wonder I feel crazy as I do not know anymore. He says this is an argument and now everyone knows and I can not show my face anywhere. Yet, he can go the bar and show his face there, but not in public? Makes no sense.
Joker, I have been reading your posts and can see your desperation. Is it possible that, at this time in your life when you are working on you, you do not need to have a man of any kind in your life? I know you want to feel valued and wanted and loved- we all do. It's something like -you don't become a world class athlete when you have a broken leg that needs attending to. First you heal the leg and get strong again . Then you venture out into the world.
Maybe you need to spend a long time healing yourself and getting to understand your reasons for getting into bad relationships. Face to face meetings will help you a lot. I am just thinking that, until you understand what draws you to these guys, until you do a lot of self healing and discovery and get some good tools in place... well you should just make a life for you and your daughter without a partner. Because the atmosphere in your home is not going to help you heal and it must be devastating for your daughter. You need some peace and calm and you are not going to get that with him.
Joker if you feel this anger and resentment when in a relationship, after a time, then I believe you truly need to look at your part. This is indeed a painful situation for you all. Working the Steps will shed some needed light
(((Joker))) - Hugs to you. All that anger and pain is bad for each and everyone of you. I am sending prayers your way that you are given the strength to reach out and get support.
Hang in there!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am so sorry that you are going through this and what I'm going to say is probably not the alanon norm from what I have experienced at least .. it IS an unreasonable situation and yes, the healthy reaction is to be angry about it.
For me and this is strictly from me and you are talking to the angry Alanon lady here .. lol (my nick name in the beginning of my journey) the anger is a feeling not a fact .. what I like about anger is that it is a motivation for change .. that and pain are two primary reasons for making drastic changes.
It is ok to process the anger .. it is ok to feel the anger .. it is not ok to act on the anger .. not sure if any of what I have said makes sense however again this is just for me .. I had been told from the time that I was a child I did not feel angry when honestly anger was the only emotion I could identify with and I agree completely with the fact that resentments are poison personally I find anger neither good nor bad as it's a core feeling. Holding grudges, feeding resentments and boy do I have a lot that are justifiable resentments are not healthy for me.
So I guess my question to you is .. I did as Bette suggested .. what is my part in the situation .. I do not have to own all of it .. however I was not a saint although I wanted to be .. lol .. AND what am I getting out of my anger .. was it working for me? Did I feel good about that angry person? Was I getting anything positive out of being angry? Realty for me is that the anger has served a purpose and yes .. it did work in my favor .. did I like who I was .. not so much because a softer me is so much nicer than a prickly porcupine .. my kids know how happy I really am now and they foster that in their own way by just being themselves. Being around angry mom was so not a fun thing for them. Anger absolutely motivated me for change and I will be honest and say those things you ask and why you are angry .. hell yes .. that is completely out of line .. however .. it's also completely the norm for a drunk person.
What do you want?? Not saying stay or go .. not saying that making a rash decision right this second is the right thing to do .. removing the anger out of the equation .. what do you really want and him being sober doesn't count because that's not really about you .. what do YOU want right now from YOU?
That was a huge step for me in letting go of the anger at so much that has been frustrating in my own situation. I'm so sorry you and your kiddo are going through this .. your child needs you to be fully present and not wondering what he is or isn't doing.
Big hugs .. S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
