The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello to everyone here, I am new on this site and have come here as a result of feeling overwhlemed with anxiety on many levels and wondered if any one had some advice or wisdom, which I would welcome so much.
My partner of over one year is an alcoholic who has been massively in denial despite many losses in his life. He has been off work for 6 months, been sectioned once under the mental health act, and up until 2 weeks ago was drinking to a point he was in Accident and Emergency up to three times a week. He entered detox 4 weeks ago and walked after 2 hrs saying he wasn't as bad or like the others and then of course was drinking again...he said he was not going to go to rehab either as he was too clever for that. Ive tried to be as supportive as I can without enabling as far as possible. 2 wks ago he was found again in a very bad state by his family and he was taken to and remained at his parents for two weeks. In that period he became v positive about rehab and wanting to change and to has been in rehab now for three days. The day before he went, he said a few things that made me feel he hadn't accepted his situation such as not knowing if this would 'cure' him as he didn't know what he needed cureing from and that he wasnt that bad and couldnt guarantee that after 5pm, what ever had been said would go over his head anyway and he would forget it. BUT after 3 days in rehab he is now saying how wonderful everything is and how good it is, which is v positive. I'm not sure how good the centre is but its in a nice place out of area and seems freindly and isnt staffed after 6pm, which I was surprised. He is in for 12 weeks. He seems to have enjoyed meeting other people too.
As silly as this sounds I am full of anxiety as i dont know what will happen in there. Some people are telling me he may never come back, or cheat... and this fills me with anxiety as I feel already quite delicate all things considered. My partner is also saying how he wants a new life with me and a family and im at a poiint now where as he lies so much I'm not sure I believe or trust him on anything and also he has two children he chooses not to see...He is v charming, attractive and even staff fall under his spell.
Im hoping now to attend the al-anon groups locally for myself as I feel I need support as I feel v low and confused and whilst I dont want to feel like this, im struggling. It feels everything is always about him and on his terms even though ive tried to keep going with things for myself and my job its been hard. When he speaks to me about rehab it appears on face value to be reinforcing selfish behaviour and telling him he is the most important thing and its him that matters...so im v aware that im not just feeling vulnerable im emotionally at risk. I want to be able to cope and be strong with whatever comes along. Im v confused and ambivalent even about staying with him, yet I know i'll be upset to if these things people are saying will happen. If he stays the full 12 weeks, what are the chances of a relapse, does anyone know.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress Carmel, thank you for your honesty and clarity.
I can readily identify with all that you shared because alcoholism is a chronic , progressive , fatal disease over which we are powerless.It can be arrested and never cured. Denial is one of the huge destructive tools of the disease, so that your friend's attitudes are understandable.Your friend is in a supportive environment that will introduce him to the disease of alcoholism, and some constructive methods to recover. Recovery is a lifelong effort so that it is very important that he be immersed as long as possible in this program.
I'm glad that you have found Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and plan to attend Living with this disease, we too develop negative coping mechanisms that hurt us. By focusing our attention on others and making our needs unimportant and invisible,we tend to lose our self-esteem and self-worth. Attending meetings, developing new constructive tools to live by will enable you to interact with your friend in a healthier fashion.
Living one day at a time, focused on yourself, not reacting but responding in a healthy fashion are a few of the rewards of this program. Please keep coming back you're not alone
I too welcome you to MIP Carmel. As Betty and Debb above have suggested, the best you can do is focus on you and embrace the program of Al-Anon. The F2F meetings will provide you with support locally and that for me was a huge gift I accepted for times when I was overly anxious.
The first thing I learned here at MIP which helped with my initial anxiety was the 3 Cs - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Folks here were kind enough and patient enough to teach me that there was nothing I could do or be different that would affect what my As did or will do.
I also learned here that this is a one day at a time program. I don't need to worry about the past or the future, just get through one day at a time and that helped a ton.
So very glad you are here and know that we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My advise would be to soak in all that is offered to u as open minded as u can be and just wait for the miracle to happen.
Believing that your friend will fail or be unfaithful to u is not at all helpful.
You will come to believe more as u do the steps for yourself
1 admitted we are powerless over alcohol
2. Came to believe that a power greater than me could restore sanity
3. Then hand yourself over to that power and feel the lightness in your step and gait.
It's worked for absolutely millions of people, it's even working now in full swing in Russia in the last 26 years.
I absolutely implore u to keep an open mind and listen to the people it's already worked for.
Meanwhile love the real person inside the core of your alcoholic because that's the person God wants him to become when all the character defects and shortcomings have been dealt with using the program
Rejoice in the fact that he is already in treatment, I am in fellowship with 3 women who would give their right arm ( figure of speech) to be in the position that their loved ones have finally stopped denying the disease of alcoholism.
There are no guarantees it's true but at least here he has a chance.
Trust if u can and pray if u believe xx
My suggestion is to keep delving into alanon and to even go daily to face to face meetings if you can. What are chances of him staying sober: Not good. Just being honest. But more so, what are the chances of him growing into a person that is not self-centered and self-focused even if he did stay sober....even less. And if, and when that happens, it will be with a few years of working a solid recovery program that doesn't involve you. So...taking all that into account, I would try and get some of those needs for support, validation, belonging, and understanding elsewhere. Trying or expecting to get so many needs met by him (a sick person) is a set up for you to be unfulfilled. I am not saying necessarily break it off. That choice is yours to make. It's only been a year with him though and half of it you were desperately wanting him to change. There is work to be done on you and for you. Why cling to people who don't meet you needs, are not the person you want, and be miserable and want, plead, and pray for them to change? That behavior is not his. it's yours. And that's where alanon comes in. Often times it does wind up that they are addicted to alcohol and we area addicted to them...and trying to make them into what we want. How about making you into what you want and developing relationships with folks that are not quite so broken right now and just putting the relationship on a day at a time basis?
Pinkchip has some really good advice. I wish I found AlAnon years ago. I've been with my AH for 18 years and we have two kids (13 & 16) who love their dad so it makes it a lot harder to break it off. Hindsight is always 20/20. If I knew then what I know now I shouldn't have continued with the relationship. But I felt we had such chemistry and he was my "soulmate" and I would never be attracted like that to someone again. Let's just say we know now that's just not true. For 18 years I have been fighting for this man's attention and trying to make him into a "normal" husband and father. I'm exhausted and literally insane. Just giving you a little glimpse into your possible future. My AH is now in a recovery program (third time). I had the same anxieties when he left for inpatient rehab. Those worries you have are not unusual. He has not had a drink in over a month but he is far from the person I long for him to be. I dream of what a relationship would be like with a non alcoholic. Someone who genuinely wants to spend time with me. A true companion. I don't know if I will ever have that with him.
Hi! I have experienced similar. My ah went to rehab in dec for 23 days, let's just say Christmas was really this year. It is now July and I have found out that after rehab it got worse! He was diagnosed with dry drunk, the ptsd and after almost 4 months slipped and drank. Then three more times and just latey diagnosed bipolar I I. Don't mean to scare you but I had anxiety so bad and Christmas and every time he slipped. After this last slip we have really gone downhill bc I can't trust him anymore. That and he is really negative when they slip they r mean and it starts all over again. The therapist suggested that he moved out for at least a year and we didn't and we r really bad off. I want out and I am starting to back off from him. Please be careful for u, I didn't and I am suffering for it.
Firstly, thanks to you all for taking the time to reply to me. Means alot to me, belive me.
Hotrod
Debb
I Am here
Quaker oat:
Thanks for the warm welcomes and I'm really looking forward to begining with Al-anon. Im going to my first meeting on Monday and look forward to learning the tools you talk about and the opportunity to regain some peace and serenity, that would be incredible. I will certainly be going with an open mind and a willingness and openness for sure.
Pinkchip and Yankeerose: what you have said here with honesty ive found really helpful -hearing other peoples experiences and learning truths is beneficial for me. Im hoping again that between here and al-anon i'll find strength and support and im aware i'll need to ask myself questions about me...many of my firends have questioned why I havent walked away from this situation and I ask myself that too especially as my partner is like two people. one that is nice and sweet and another that can be really quite abusive and nasty at times and of course al the endless lying so im not sure if I can belive anything at all.
helpangel- thanks for your insight and experience too. I also find my partner is v difficult at times and nasty. Are you ok yourself at the moment? it sounds like things are very tough for you.
Thanks to you all again and Im sure I will be back as I find myself struggling and dealing with emotions in myself like a rolllercoaster never knowing what is next and questiioning my own sanity in it all. It feels like when I think things are getting better they get worse and so on. I can only repeat my gratitude for you all in replying and will look forward to Al-anon. X
Welcome Carmel! I'm sure it was really hard to write your post. It feels scary to tell our stories and let the world know what's really happening inside of our relationships and inside of us. I'm glad you're here.
In the beginning I couldn't seem to stop thinking about my AH. All my energy, thoughts, attention went to him. I looked for a crystal ball to tell me the future, to tell me where he was, to tell me what to do...it consumed me.
With practice I've learned that I can find my own happiness that doesn't depend on what he does or doesn't do. My hope for a little joy is no longer tied up in his promises that were endlessly broken. I've shifted my energies and my focus back onto me. I am letting him work on his own program, and ODAT I work on mine. Neither one of us gets it right 100% of the time. That's ok. I've also tossed away my need for a crystal ball or a fortune teller - because I've found that HP is in control of that and he takes care of me.
I just want to echo all of these wonderful replies. Welcome and keep coming back. I've been in a painful relationship for 19 years and had I known, things would be much different. Dive into al-anon and redirect your focus on you and your health, hope and strength so you can make decisions with clarity and understanding. You may decide to stay, you may not, but it will be a decision you make for yourself with confidence and purpose.
Hope you find some peace! Glad you are here!
