On my birthday last Friday, daughter asked me to go down to the waterfront with her so that she could take some pictures. It was rainy and extremely windy and cold and yet I felt really content watching her climb up pylons and hang precariously over edges to take her pictures. I was struck hard by how very, very much like me at her age she is, except happier and full of confidence. It's quite something to behold.

Anyway when I was finally cold enough I walked out to the end of the pier where she was to ask her to wrap it up and she grabbed me and took a picture and later she emailed it to me. I know she looks as little sad in this shot and in truth, at that moment she was a little bit because right after, she started asking if we could 'screw the expense" and just go eat somewhere nice and do something to actually CELEBRATE my birthday. And look, I don't enjoy seeing my daughter feel sad for me, but I can only do what I can do and it disturbs her that my birthdays, mothers day etc pass with no fanfare and in other regions of her family there are big celebrations and fusses. To be honest in those moments I do feel like a bit of an outcast and a little guilty that I can't create something more 'normal" for her like a party or a family lunch or something; it's just us two and that's hard on her because she sees it as her responsibility to fix it, no matter what I say or do to suggest otherwise. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't in those moments; I can only play the cards I am dealt. But in any event I thought it was a very sweet photo and it speaks volumes to me.

So when I opened the pictures she had sent me tonight and I felt a wave of gratitude instead of sadness. Yes, a little guilt that she does look sad in that picture and also very protective of me which is not what I would have for her, but then, I cannot unmake the past nor make everything perfect now, and when I remember my own childhood, I think, this is better. Not perfect, but better. I don't want her to develop codependent traits or feel like she has to protect her mother but at the same time, I didn't even know who my mother was when I was her age; we never took a picture together or had a conversation, shared a laugh or a hug or anything at all. She was an angry stranger and I was so self absorbed and had no concern for her at all. I'm grateful that daughter and I know each other and share such a wonderful closeness. I'm also grateful that I am armed with the knowledge and tools to make sure that I don't let her be my only focus or the center of my universe; she needs to be free to create her own universe and I mine. Still, she's precious and spectacular and these years together are an amazing blessing, I think, I hope for us both. If I'm too close, I think it's OK; I know as she grows I'll have to back off and build my own life. It'll be OK. One thing is very obvious to me. i was not shown affection or encouragement and I have spent my life desperately seeking approval. Daughter has been smothered with affection and encouragement and her confidence is an entity unto itself. I feel i have succeeded on that front.

I'm grateful for the tools I have, compliments of al-anon, and the ability to recognise that I don't want daughter to feel responsible or sad for me, and I'm grateful for the fact that for every one bad moment we have there are 100 good ones. I'm grateful to be able to read and hear stories from other members about what it was like to grow up as a codependent child caring for a miserable parent and to know that I have a responsibility to model something else for her because she sure has the tendencies and they could blossom without a great deal of encouragement. I'm grateful for the newfound knowledge that when I am behaving badly I can stop, take a breath, ask HP for serenity and start again. That's pretty freaking handy knowledge to have when you're arguing with an angry teenager and really starting to lose your ####. And i'm just grateful to al-anon in general, really, because I came looking for a way to fix the crazy A in my life and instead found so many other wonderful gifts to enjoy, and every time a neew difficulty arises, there seems to be a tool to fix it with. Al-anon is like the ultimate swiss army knife in my pocket.

I'm also grateful for this stained glass candle holder which she gave me for my afformentioned birthday. She told me she wanted me to hang it over the mantle and I told her, don't be silly, we won't even notice it there, if we hang it against the wall we won't even see the glow. Turns out I was wrong.