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Good morning everyone. Just a recap my ah after slipping twice and telling me the reason he doesn't stop is because he knows that GOD is disappointed in him for not becoming a minister. I told him that I understand that since he will not forgive himself for this sin and since it is the reason it causes him to drink that I cannot see hope for us anymore bc drinking and the negative behavior when he dries out is unacceptable and I can't do it anymore. I told him that I respect his belief and that I feel that there is no way to solve this but for him and I to separate bc he will never forgive himself for not being a minister and I and my daughter shouldn't have to pay along with him in his mistake that he will not forgive himself for. He has told me over and over that he is on a different standard because he missed his calling and that God hasn't given him anymore chances since then. I have started applying for jobs outside my state and I am just going to start preparing to leave and get away from him. It might take me a few months but I see he is crazy, his excuses are crazy and I am going to get crazy if I don't get away from this stuff! Please pray I get a job soon!
Little update: he listened to joel lateen this morning and know is thinking he can forgive himself. He sent me a email saying he was crying and didn't think it was by accident. I am just about sick of this..I set a boundary and agree that he can't forgive himself and that is fine and then he so happens to forgive himself... Oh please..that stinkin thinking at his best.. Now he will go on a religious happy dance for awhile til his next excuse. I don't know how but I am breaking off this madness...
It sounds like he is pretty deep in his own head, and it's a scary place to be.
The good news is, you can step out of his head any time you want!
When I was lost in my A's insanity someone asked me to think back to BEFORE I was with him and answer some questions about who I was and what I wanted.. What were your hopes and dreams? Where did you imagine yourself now, back then? What was important to you when you were still important to yourself? What would that you say to current you?
That helped me get a bit of perspective and separate my thoughts from what I imagined were his. Might be helpful for you too?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Help you're awake and your eyes are clear. That is a very good post and now for the courage to go ahead and change the thing you can. While doing that keep your ears and eyes open to what your Higher Power is putting in front of you also. When we learn the 1st step and the first part of the first step "Admitted we are powerless..." yes it refers specifically to alcohol and with an open mind we come to understand that it also includes other people, places and things. EL Cee makes the suggestion of face to face Al-Anon meetings if you are not already and dependent upon your daughters age I suggest you take her along with you. Your husband sounds delusional emotionally and mentally affected by the drama of the disease. This is the insanity we speak of in alcoholism. It doesn't sound like it has affected you today as it has in the past.
Keep up the good work and keep coming back and sharing your journey with others. Mahalo (((((hugs)))))
(((Hugs))) sent your way and prayers for your job search.
I agree that going to meetings and trying to keep the focus on you might bring more peace at this time. He's going to do whatever he's going to do - it sounds like you have a plan. Work your plan and do your best to take care of you.
Program friends were a gift I am so grateful for. Meetings are good for so many things - steps, literature, program and support - I would not be here without them all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good job taking care of yourself. It dawned on me during one of my AH's "slips" that each time he relapsed I took my eyes off my HP and put them squarely on him. His disease, his chaos, how to fix it this time, damage control central! LOL. But that is precisely the opposite of what I'm to do. I feel so much better now that I have this program.
To be bluntly honest, it sounds like he is trying to sell you a line of BS that he doesn't even believe. It has absolutely nothing to do with his being or not being a minister or weather he feels guilty about it or not... its simply about Alcoholism in its rawest form of denial that he is refusing to effectively treat. Because then he might actually have to let go of all excuses and justifications he has been using.
As for yourself... don't say what you are going to do, unless you actually have every intention and plan of following through with it. Forget putting boundaries on a active alcoholic, that only sets the stage for them being violated. Put the boundaries on yourself. They are yours. You get to honor them for yourself. "If you drink again.... I will...." doesn't stop an alcoholic from taking a drink. But a "I refuse to indulge in a alcoholic relationship that is not healthy and I will remove myself from such a relationship without having defend my decision. I know what I want and don't want and it is up to me to pursue it for myself, not wait for someone else to give it to me." ...Now you have put a strong, empowering boundary upon yourself. When this is done, it takes it away from being about expectations placed on others. It says nothing about the alcoholic, but everything about you. It empowers the spirit of a wounded soul to step up and do what needs to be done in the face of adversity and risk.
Sounds like you are on the right path. Try to get to some F2F meetings and get a sponsor to help you work the 12 Steps before you start making huge decisions this early.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Stick to your plan, Hope. Honestly, I heard all kinds of reasons and excuses as to why my XAH needed to continue to drink. I hear your AH grasping at straws right now to make excuses for his behavior, to maintain the status quo where you talk about leaving or moving on but haven't done it yet so he can still continue to drink and mess up knowing that you will still be there. He's in his own head and he's trying to save the comfortable life you currently provide for him. My .02 cents? Find your own path and let him be on his. Pray for him. Ask God to keep you both in His will and be willing yourself to surrender to whatever God's plan is for YOU.
Your AH may or may not find sobriety but either way, you are not responsible for it. He is. You sound strong and I will pray that you get to some meetings and that you find a path towards peace and serenity for you and your daughter. HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
