The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Went to dinner with the A. Haven't done that in a while. mid-dinner she announced that in 3 weeks she's going to take a trip. I won't get into the details of where or why, but she takes this trip with a family member a few times a year, it's for a good purpose and I don't object.
This issue is that it costs about $1000, it's never scheduled, nor do I receive more than a month warning that she is going to go. For years, I have reacted angrily because I have asked her to plan out, and give me the opportunity to prepare. She then makes absurd claims about reasons why I don't want her to go, which are in no way true and complete fabrications and projections (insanity).
This time I started to do the same. I became angry and began saying "no - ain't gonna happen in 3 weeks". Dinner began to go down the tubes, but then Al-Anon kicked in. Visions of your avatars actually flashed in my mind. Slogans, quips, ESH's, serenity prayer, et. al.
So, the anger lasted about 30 to 45 seconds. I said "whatever". Many of you might not agree with that, but I've lived this for a long time. She's going to do what she wants to do to her own and my financial detriment no matter what I say. I've learned how to adapt because she's always left me no choice and twisted my objections into lies that make her a saint and me a sinner.
For years the most destructive aspect of my relationship has been the mounting anger and resentment that only destroys me. Stopping that from continuing is still my primary objective and the most important part of my practice. So I saved myself (and dinner). AND, I once again showed her the new, better me.
Maybe next time I ask her to plan ahead, she'll be less resistant to doing so without my anger to feed on as a justification for her doing whatever she wants - maybe not - it's not an expectation, but a hope. If not, nothing is different but me. Yep...I'm getting abused the same as before. She's ignoring my pleas for responsible planning same as before. She's not going to change. I have to.
If I can get my part right - not getting angry, not harboring resentment, not retaliating somehow - I win. Am I a doormat? Yes and no. I have the power to bring it all to a screeching halt. I can make it impossible for her to go. I've never done that and won't. I don't seek to control her, but have always sought to manipulate her into controlling herself. Not gonna happen. I'll roll with it, as always, but this time I won't roll with it on a bed of nails.
So she gets to do what she wants with impunity. I've always fought that and all that has meant is that she gets to do what she wants with "punity"! I get angry and toss it at her, she adds a healthy dose of insanity and hurls it back at me, and so it goes back and forth. I surrender. I'm saving myself. Better to spend a $1000 and have peace then spend $1000 to purchase a lethal dose of anger.
AND because I did NOT get angry, when that $1000 shows up missing from whatever part of life I'm going to have to shuffle to get it from I'll just calmly look at her and say matter-of-factly "Oh...yeah...I think you spent that to go on your trip." as if I have nothing to do with it. Because I don't.
Thanks to all for helping to save me from birthday Hari Kari!
Beautiful share and wonderful use of program tools, almostThere. Not engaging, detaching and refusing to loose your serenity in a situation over which we are powerless reflects the wisdom and courage of recovery.
I do not see any " doormat" here just a person who acted with courage, to protect his serenity through examining his motives and not reacting.
Thanks hotrod! That helps with the lingering doormat feeling. That was the only bad aftertaste.
You can take the boy out of MIP but you can't take the MIP out of the boy!! I'll never be too far. If I am, use your magic admin powers and shoot me an email!!
Yay for you and how great that you were able to quickly pull your tools out and use them!
I am so glad that you were able to salvage your b-day dinner and keep your serenity.
I don't see any doormat issues at all. I see exactly what Betty suggests - an Al-Anon member who chose to react differently making every effort to avoid the insanity of this disease. Your ability to quickly assess the situation, remember MIP and tools, use them and diffuse a potential argument is one of the best gifts of this program.
For me, these changes in how I react did not necessarily result in different behaviors from my As. What it did do though is begin the process of changing how they treat me and react to me. Mine here seem to enjoy the sport of the dance (argument, drama, etc.) so when I choose to not engage as I used to, they almost must adapt as there's nobody to dance with. So, in my home, the more I used this program, the more the entire dance changed.
I applaud your program and hope that your birthday was a great day! Keep doing what you are doing. The funny part for me - once I got used to these types of things, I immediately began planning how peaceful and relaxing 'it' will be while they are away. As I grew healthier in this program, I truly am able to seek what is right with this picture vs. what is wrong.
Thanks for the share!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Yay for fabulous use of the tools! I too don't see any doormat issues - setting boundaries between you and another person is not being a doormat. You're letting her experience the consequences of her own poor planning. If that means that you suffer financially at some point, that's something to figure out on a larger scale down the line. For now, you saved yourself much grief! Way to go!
Thanks for this wonderful share. It's a great example of the program in action. You mentioned thinking of the slogans, quips, serenity prayer. As I read your post a few came to mind. How Important is It, Let It Begin With Me, Serenity is Priceless. You may get what you hope for next time or you may not from the other person but you've taken your power back now and that means you are no longer invested in how they will respond and fully invested keeping the gifts you're earning from working Alanon. Honestly, there's no better birthday gift you can give yourself. :) Isn't detachment wonderful! (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I can totally understand your feeling of being a doormat and just saying "yes" to any stupid thing because you know it is hopeless and you are helpless.... Yes, I understand. But you also changed something within yourself this time. You do realize that saying "no" has no effect on her because she does what she wants anyway. So you really have dodged a bullet of resentment and anger. When it comes time to account for the $1000 you can let her know that the budget is that much lower for this month. No blaming and no fault finding, just a statement of fact. Living in reality.
Will do