The material presented
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Last time I posted, in Feb, I was just moving out from my house. My AH had done the same bad behavior one more time - secretly drinking and then acting aggressively mean to me. I had told him that I would leave if he did that again. So I did. I haven't posted again because I did have support from friends and my Al-Anon group, and I find writing tiring (vs talking things out) but I do visit here quite frequently and appreciate all the insight support and wisdom.
Long story short: I moved back in March 1. And now we are back at that same place again, after 2 more episodes last week. Each one follows the same bewildering pattern... stress builds up in our home (and probably other parts of my AH's life as well). He stuffs his feelings, puts on a great facade, and then at some point starts imbibing secretly. I have no idea, but start becoming increasingly anxious and puzzled by his behavior (nonsensical, contradictory, repetitive, forgetful), until he starts being out and out mean to me. I never find bottles or evidence or anything - so am often confused if it's alcohol, dry drunk, or something else.
So we had a joint counseling session this week and our therapist said she sees both of us are at a breaking point, not able to take much more. And, she finally clearly saw and pointed out to him his huge amount of denial and lack of accountability. He keeps blaming me, and he cannot accept that there are consequences for bad behavior - he is still mad and "betrayed" that I moved out for the month of Feb. (Even though I told him I would.) It is such a vicious cycle.
Here is the point I am at: I do not respect him, due to his long history of denial, conflict avoidance, acquiescing without really meaning it (i.e. passive aggressive) and mainly lack of honesty with himself as well as me. I don't trust him, because he hides his drinking. It is making me increasingly anxious. I don't really love him as a husband, though I care deeply for him as father of my children, longtime friend, and person. I just want PEACE.
So our therapist recommended he move out. She says he has a lot on his plate that he needs to work on (counseling, AA, new job, etc.) If he doesn't, I guess I will. It is apparent we just can't live under the same roof - we squabble over everything, and part of that is due to my lack of trust. He agreed he would "try to look for a place" but now I see him pushing back on that idea. Meanwhile, I want OUT.
BUT!! I am taking time alone this weekend, away from my family. Letting him be with our boys, and hoping that we can hash this stuff out at our next therapy appt tomorrow. And all of a sudden, I feel overwhelmed with failure. All I can think of is our wedding, ripe with hope and promise. Happy family memories from our early years before I got disillusioned with his lack of honesty, denial, seeking of comfort above all. I feel like I have totally failed. I know I did not cause the alcoholic behavior, but I am just overwhelmed with thoughts that maybe I could have headed some of it off if I had responded to him differently than I did. I made mistakes, I pulled back when he needed closeness (but did so for my own survival), etc I guess I have always struggled with the weight of the world on MY shoulders, believing if I only tried harder or did more, that I could really move the world... crazy pressure to put on oneself, huh... and so now that belief is crashing in my face as I try to make sense out of the fact our marriage could be ending. Part of me hopes that if he moves out and works on himself, (and I do the same), we can mend this damaged vessel, but when I think about my lack of respect and trust for him, I don't see how that can ever be mended. I am just a puddle of grief. I am scared. For me, for him, and mostly for our boys whose tender hearts I so want to protect.
Hugs ocean pine I am so sorry to read of the unhappiness and sadness that surrounds your heart today. I can easily and readily identify with having the weight of the world on my shoulders and believingthat if I had just done something different, everything would've been different.
Al-Anon reminds me that I'm powerless over people places and things. That I didn't cause this disease. I cannot control it and I cannot cure it. The results of living in the insanity of the disease I too developed many negative tools that need to be addressed and corrected.
I can understand your sadness and pain ,grief is a difficult process. This disease is a dreadful one that destroys hope and love and happiness. Al-Anon gave me the tools to restore my self-esteem and self-worth while I stopped beating myself up and believing I was responsible for all the negative happenings in the world.
Please keep using your tools, come here often, make gratitude and asset lists, and pray for the courage, serenity and wisdom that HP can give you. You're not alone.
Oceanpine - (((Hugs))) to you. I too am sorry for your pain and how you are feeling today. I've been there and like Debb suggests, I had no choice but to engage my HP and turn it all over. We all do the best we can with what we have. We all make mistakes and we all have regrets. There isn't anything we can do about the past and the future is yet unknown. When I feel like you do, I allow myself time to cry, then I pray/meditate and head out to a meeting.
Use your program friends right now and use your sponsor if you have one. It is when we are low that the program and steps and tools are life-saving.
Do not worry about tomorrow, and try not to assume this is 'the end'. The only person who knows our path is HP - surrender and be kind/gentle to youself.
Keep posting here - we're all just a share away!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you iamhere and hotrod for your kind words and support. I have been trying to lean more on my HP - I tend to fall into fear and forget and just flail around for awhile.
Ocean pine this is indeed a difficult, painful road that we travel. I'm so pleased that you have found us and are sharing the journey. Trusting HP and using program tools helped to save my sanity and my life so many times, first when my husband was in the grips of this disease, and most recently when my son lost his life to it.
Meetings, the steps, slogans, prayer and sharing are so important to this journey.
Puddle of grief - been there - sometimes I still get a sadness around me because I miss the flip side of him, everything that was good that I had to let go of so that I would survive. Accepting that it was so completely out of my hands what he did, was a huge hurdle - I could not control him, AND going through so many scenarios in my mind, what if I'd done this or that - I finally got to the point where I really saw that no matter how I had handled something, it would not have ended any differently. At first I beat myself up, if I had only not done this, if I had done this instead type of thinking - now I know that it wouldn't have made a difference because the addiction was in charge, the addiction wanted to fight so that he could justify his actions, the addiction would do anything to win. The only winning move for me was not to play. Walking away was tough. I remember someone saying - you can always remarry if..... and that was a solace, not a big one, but some comfort - IF he sought recovery so that we could find peace together, but I couldn't live with the chaos anymore.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
((((Oceanpine)))) You are right where you're supposed to be in this disease; a bad place.
The disease affects everything and one it comes into contact with and now its your turn. Sorry about that I so relate to your post and cheer the part where I remember coming to change. God I was so grateful to stop struggling with not doing enough with a large part of that being "her" responsibilities. I was working for and hoping for and wishing for and trying to do both parts and that is clearly insane. Needing to see the insanity of it help to bring me to finally doing what was mine...getting sane, getting healthy and getting happy. Why didn't I originally think that I owed myself that more than owing my alcoholic the responsibilities she would not give to herself.
It is really okay to be rational and to throw you hands up in the air and say OUT LOUD ..."OKAY, I'M DONE....YOU GOT IT NOW GOD, IF YOU NEED ME I'LL BE OUT DOING SOMETHING GOOD FOR OCEANPINE". I guarantee you will not get hit by a bolt of lightening or hear the host of angels scream...WE NEED YOU!!
You are powerless and your life has become unmanageable. If you were on a job your work review would be horrible and you would already be fired!! We never get points for a "Nice Try" we get to quit and leave the problem to powers greater than ourselves which a sane person would do. SANE??
Good to have you here at MIP and Al-Anon which for me is where sanity started and continues. Time to "TRUST GOD" (steps 1 - 3), "CLEAN HOUSE" (steps 4 - 11) and HELP OTHERS (step 12)....MIP is the right place along with face to face meetings to share the pain. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
