The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey everyone. I've been lurking here for several weeks, reading posts and attending online meetings. I've now attended a few face to face meetings too, but feel I am just barely beginning to understand the basics of the program and how to apply it.
My struggle of the moment is - I'm having a hard time with the concept and subsequent application of detaching with love.
Where is the balance to be found between acting in such a way that it's clear I'm hurt/disappointed/upset/disapprove of something (which to me seems good and necessary to progress toward understanding each others' boundaries), and reacting/overreacting? I especially mean in the moment something has happened or been revealed.
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you are here.
For me, it's been a ton of trial/error. What I've come to use as far as tools is to, Say what I mean, Mean what I say and don't say it mean. Living with active addiction is no 'walk in the park.' I've come to accept that the disease causes my A's to act in a manner that is unacceptable to 'normal people'. Does that mean I have to accept it? Nope. But, I can choose to just walk away with my grace and dignity in tact and decide if it's worth a conversation or not.
I have no issue sharing when I am hurt or disappointed. However, I tend to share these now with my sponsor or trusted program friends first. They can help me determine if I feel this way as a direct result of an action of another or because of some underlying issue in me. More often than not, my negative feelings are a direct result of me not getting my way.
Keep focusing on you for now and learning as much as you can about the program and the disease. I figure if I can keep my mind on the here/now, I've got much less risk of over-reacting to something that's not based on fact but rather on emotion.
In the moment, I often just try to keep a poker face on and say, I need time to process. These 5 words have saved me from many a war of words.
(((Hugs))) to you - great post and I am sure others will come along with more ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) soon!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iamhere's share needs attention and focus because it often becomes how we handle the situation of OVER reacting rather than acting in a saner way. We don't have the right or entitlement to act the certain way. I found out there was no cast in stone law as to how I was to act or respond to anything and that how I eventually did was a choice bases upon how I wanted the situation to come out for me. If I wanted to continue the insanity I was free to do that which every way I wanted to...If I wanted to have it continue in peace and sanity I could do that to. I use to think I "had" to do stuff a certain way until my sponsor told and taught me answers to the question "How do you want this to end up"? Push that question around in your head a bit and then get other Al-Anon members around you and mostly also a good sponsor and have them give you the feedback that comes from working the program. You get to take what you like and leave the rest. Look at the word "OVER" reacting which for me in part only use to come out...act4ing because she triggered me and my emotions and doing it beyond what was necessary....UGH!! I don't like that picture today so I'll listen to the fellows please. Clover leafs are metaphors for good luck and Al-Anon is my metaphor for peace of mind and serenity. Good luck and keep coming back.....((((hugs))))
Great responses I just wanted to add that detachment gave me the time to not react in my" USUAL" manner but gave me the time to stop, process the situation and decide how to validate myself without blaming or judging another It is a process but one well worth the effort. Keep coming back
Thanks a lot Iamhere, Jerry, and hotrod. A starting place of -how do I want this to end up- seems like it could really help.
I recognize as two of you suggested that I also really need someone I can talk things out with besides my A. Too often I'm still throwing more force behind my words than is probably beneficial. It would help a lot to be able to take that first layer off with someone else before saying anything to him at all. I'm also seeing that even a lot of the stuff that's coming up for me as a result of turning more inward, stuff that's connected to my past, and not about him at all, is still heavier than my A seems equipped to deal with. I don't have anyone I feel comfortable sharing things with on that level yet. Part of the issue is me feeling like sharing our relationship business/complaining about him with any of my friends would be a violation of our intimacy and trust. I'm never sure how much of that is healthy and how much is just consequent to my protect the alcoholic/addict upbringing.
But yes, it seems a sponsor could help. I don't really know how to go about finding one. I've been to a few meetings now, and they gave me a list of all the attending participants with asterisks next to those willing to sponsor. But what now? They said that we often just gravitate toward someone specific to sponsor us. That hasn't happened. Am I just supposed to cold call someone?
Even the thought of asking some stranger to sponsor me feels needy and I guess disingenuous or something? and awful.
You most certainly can cold call anybody on that list. If they've agreed to be a temporary sponsor or a full-time sponsor, they will certainly listen and share ESH - just like we do here. Sponsors are fired and hired all the time - it's just part of the program. You don't even have to call and ask for them to be a sponsor ... you could just remind them who you are from the meeting and ask if they might have some time to share or help you out.
It's a magical process that, like everything else, is not perfect but works!! HTH!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Making alanon calls and having a sponsor are important tools and principle of the program No one will think of you as "needy" or out of line if you call and merely state "This is an alanon call" I need to talk--If they are free they will talk if not they will be honest and explain they are not available It is in these interactions I learned to build trust and to use alanon tools in a constructive manner
Please pray for the courage and reach out as you did here.
I agree "detaching" is a very difficult to understand. If you have access to Al-Anon literature, the World Organization has a pamphlet on "Detachment". Many of the different readers and other books also refer to the concept of detachment. These resources may be of use as you learn the program. If you are not sure where to find these books, booklets and pamphlets ask at your local meeting or post and we can help. Welcome...keep coming back
Cloverleaf it all takes time to learn. Go to
As many ftf mtgs as you can and just
Listen, learn and absorb. There are also
3 daily readers you can buy at most alanon
mtgs, it helps to read them so you can
understand the alanon thinking and ways.
I was very confused at first i just listened
For quite some time before i spoke. There
Is a lot to absorb and think about.
You are not alone on growing up with
Issues most if us have, we marry into
It or the dysfunction from it.
A good sponsor is a handy tool. You can
Watch people and ask someone you like
The way they think and are and that has
A lot of program under their belt.
To me, it does not mean you just zip your mouth when you are upset every time. You say what you need too, but no more and then you do what you need to do for yourself. If you are too angry in the moment, you might need to pause and remain quiet until you can say what is needed and nothing more.
For example, instead of a long drawn out argument about the offensive behaviors or violation of boundaries, you can state:
"This is unacceptable behavior" and then walk away. Or you can state, "this disappoints me/is hurtful and I need time by myself to process this." Whatever you feel fits you, but the point is to avoid long drawn out arguments where you keep figuratively ramming your head into a brick wall by trying without success to "be right" or to have him see the light or see things your way or admit how horrible his behaviors are. Those arguments often wind up leaving you raw and vulnerable, the A goes on the attack and then nothing but negativity and more chaos happens.
You are concerned about him not knowing you are disappointed in certain behaviors. Well, odds are he knows that and he may be disappointed in himself too. At first when you detach, he may ask "So what's up with you?" almost as if he wants to get yelled at or fight because it gives him more reason to drink. You can say "I've stated my feelings on the matter. I love you and this concerns me deeply but I have decided that the way we've been communicating about the issue is hurting both of us, so I'm working on me with regard to that."
If you are worried he will see it as "a green light to do whatever he wants"....well, he was gonna do what he wanted anyhow and much of this boils down to your acceptance that you really cannot change it or talk him into good behaviors.
I will try getting a sponsor, but it's a week and a half before I can get to my next meeting.
I'm right in the middle of so much difficulty right now, and am feeling really overwhelmed and alone. Coming from alcoholism and then choosing to surround myself with people who have the same issue has ended up meaning that when things start falling apart on one end, I feel like I have no one to go to on the other.
My life at the moment-
-my A brother was taken to the hospital in an ambulance last night with a serious pulmonary embolism. He's ok for the moment, but I'm terrified because nothing changes. We lost both our parents within the past 5 years, one to addiction. It's terrifying to think we might lose our brother soon too.
-my addict exhusband filed for 50/50 physical custody after promising he wouldn't
-we've been pretty great about keeping the kids out of things, but now I'm going to have to fight him in court. How can we keep the kids out of that? And I don't want to fight anymore. I'm so tired.
-my health is in shambles. I can't sleep, but I'm beyond exhausted and having a hard time putting one foot in front of the other.
-two relatives showed up at my door 2 weeks ago, needing a place to stay while one attends a class in the area. They will be here until next week, and their presence and constant need feels like another boulder on my chest
-A few weeks ago, I told a different brother some really heavy, true things about our A father. He asked, but I still feel such guilt destroying the images of our father he'd maintained all these years. I haven't heard from him since and it's plaguing me, but I don't want to bring it to the surface for him again.
-my current partner uses alcohol to cope on occasion, but doesn't seem reckless or dependent, but I'm questioning myself and wth I'm doing constantly.
-current partner drinks about once a week, but still seems to have so many of the emotionally unavailable, collapses under pressure, communicates with blame patterns I'm so accustomed to. Instead of relieving the stress that comes from outside most of the time, he compounds it.
-I own a business and am baaaarely keeping it afloat.
-My daughter's birthday is this week, and I feel like a depressed sloppy mess. Her father (my A ex-husband) is invited to breakfast, and I am so so stressed at the thought of trying to maintain peace and happiness for my daughter while he's there.
-a real lack of serenity. I feel like I'm trying so hard to get it, but the anxiety and distress overwhelm every other thing.
One Day at a Time, staying in the present, trusting HP I found it all works out as it should
The serenity prayer helped me to stay sane in the process.
Maybe making that list of events in the priority they have and then deciding what of it if anything you will handle. You don't have to do anything other then stay alive and smile...as long as others are involved you have help right? I can't believe I learned that one. Came with the Sponsor taught slogan "Don't react" which I could not act as if I didn't know it cause my sponsor's name was Don T....don't. In support (((((hugs)))))
Cloverleaf, you are the ant with the 4,000 pound breadcrumb on your back right now it seems. The first thing you might do is forgive yourself, because you have every right to be scared, furious, anxious, exhausted, overwhelmed, weepy, and ready to throw rocks at anyone who needs something from you. There's only one of you and you're only human, for gossakes. I admire your forbearance, there would be dead bodies on the stage by now if it was me.....
I can only say from experience, try and prioritize your disasters. There are some of these things you mention you probably can't do anything to mend right now. So. Well, focus on yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't care for anyone else such as your beloved daughter. And don't worry so much about her birthday. You can only control your own behavior, and although we don't give them credit for it kids recognize that. Just do your best day by day. No one could ask more. Give yourself a big old hug. Repeat as needed!
Cloverleaf, 90 percent of the stuff you wrote about is stuff happening around you and it's not really directly your stuff. The detachment practice will involve choosing not to buy into this chaos as much as you are. Yes, it is stressful to have A's in your life and to have people around you not coping in was that are optimal. BUT, the only things you mentioned in that list of stressors that are really about you are your business and your own issues/baggage you have about your dad. The rest...your choices about who to talk to about things, about how stressed out you get over other people's bad life choices...Those really are things out of your control and not worthy of worry. So how to you stop buying into chaos? It takes practice. Repeatedly saying the serenity prayer and using self affirmations. You are everything you need for today. Your HP can get your through all this stuff...and mostly, it's other people's drama. When I entered into the program, I was just a big walking ball of chaos. I couldn't differentiate other people's issues and drama from my own. That is a good start for now with regard to detachment. Focus on "This may be going on around me....but I am fine." Pray/meditate on that if you don't feel "fine" until it starts to sink in. That way you can always be calmer in the midst of whatever is going on.
Hi Cloverleaf! So glad you are here! Detaching with love is hard. I struggle daily with this. One thing I have realized through Al Anon is that the A knows you are disappointed, disapproving of his behavior - telling him really doesn't change anything. I used to feel the need to let my AH know that I "knew" when he was drunk (which was every day, so it got old FAST) and I came to see that my AH seemed to almost welcome this and want it because it would usually lead to me being angry and upset, which then justified him, in his mind, to drink more...I know this doesn't make sense, but nothing about this disease does in my opinion. Anyway, I figured out I was just fueling the fire and the only one truly suffering from it was me. I still go there sometimes, and then I feel guilty when I do because I know better! It's a hard road. You don't want to just ignore the obvious drunkeness or make the think that you are ok with it, but really calling it out doesn't seem to do any good either.
I hope that you can get some serenity and detach...remember it is a process and takes time, it won't happen instantly. Be gentle with yourself :)
Thanks for this share. I'm soooo sorry to read about the terrible struggle you are in right now. At the same time I greatly appreciate all the experience that this thread has brought to light.
As morbid as it might sound, one of the non-al-anon reminders I have used for myself for a long time when I've been overwhelmed is "nobody HAS to do anything but breathe until they die". Not the most uplifting but it gets down to brass tacks when I really need to remind myself that all actions arise from choice.
As far as overreacting, there is so much good experience already presented. I have also come to believe that trial and error determines how I react and as stated earlier, it comes down to steering the incident away from something that will cause me anger and loss of serenity. I am just learning and it's very hard, but very rewarding.
My A will attack me ferociously at the slightest provocation, and when faced with the meanness and insanity, I have always felt that just about anything I said or did could easily be justified - that there was no such thing as "overreacting" to the injustice, blame, lies, smears, and seemingly unbearable mountain of complete and utter Bill Shirt that was being served to me. And in a way, I still believe that, but I no longer care. Being right is no longer important to me in these situations and it is completely liberating. I finally understood that allowing myself to feel pain based on what a person who can barely think, thinks about ME was ridiculous and was stealing most of my life from me. It's like getting angry with a 5 year old for telling me I have kooties! Hell, I might even have kooties, but who the hell cares?
Anyway, I'm still learning, so listen to the sages, but know that you are not alone and please put yourself first. You are a caring, thoughtful and considerate person from what I'm reading, so treat yourself with all the appreciation due someone who fits that description. ((((Hugs))))
