The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi,this is my first time here not sure what to do , my problem is I cannot say no to my son who has a drink problem.If he asks for money I give it to him even though I know he will spend it on drink . Why can I not simply say no.
Welcome to MIP and thank you for sharing and posting your question on this board,
which has a membership of very experienced and caring individuals, who are very
knowledgeable in the Al-Anon steps and traditions.
I am very sorry to hear that you and your son are dealing with Alcoholism, which is
a progressive disease for which is no cure, it can only be arrested and only by the Alcoholic,
when they decide on their own to stop drinking.
I think you made a good decision to come to this forum and may I suggest that you also
join a local Al-Anon group which will give you the opportunity to participate in face to face
meetings, because the one on one interaction there will help you to cope with the disease and
also learn how we all play a part in the scheme of things as well as how to find your
peace and serenity. You will also learn and understand why it is difficult sometimes to say
no the the Alcoholic in your life.
This is a shortened list of what the
Al-Anon steps look like:
The steps can be broken down into 4 parts,
1 to 3 are about facing up,
4 to 6 are owning up,
7 to 9 are making up,
10 to 12 are keeping up.
Twelve Steps
1.We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable.
2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Godas we understood Him.
4.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5.Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8.Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9.Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them
or others.
10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with Godas we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I am very happy to meet you and hope that you continue to come back to this board anytime, to talk!!
-- Edited by Debb on Saturday 11th of July 2015 02:53:29 PM
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Welcome softie keep coming back...this was how I learned I could say no even though at the time I didn't and then I learned to practice saying no when it was the proper response and I learn that also by coming back and letting the elder members teach me and pass on their experiences. At first we don't know we think and then we find out we do know and never practiced it. Look in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number for Al-Anon and all that number to find out when and where we meet in your area and then come out the first opportunity you have. Sanity awaits you and so much more. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs)))))
I have two sons with this disease and it took me a while to learn how to detach and say No. Every time I did give them what they wanted, I interrupted them getting what they needed. I feel now that my inability to detach with love and stop enabling them delayed their recovery (chances).
If you keep an open mind, and embrace Al-Anon with all it offers, you will be given many tools to deal with life on life's terms. The first thing someone said to me were the 3 Cs - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. This lifted a weight off me like nobody's business.
Glad you are here and we're here for you! (((Hugs))) and keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome softie You are not alone- I too gave money to a son and could not say no for many years. Please keep coming back There are constructive tools you can develop which will help you to respond differently but still with love and concern. Alcoholism is a dreadful , chronic progressive disease which can be arrested but not cured We are powerless over this disease but can take actions to take care of ourselves in the process. Keep coming back
Welcome to miracles in progress Softie
Stick around and do the steps for yourself with the help of a sponsor and u could be looking to change your name
You are definitely in the right place we can all do each other some good and stop us thinking we are going crazy.
My son is deep into the disease of alcoholism and I haven't seen him for almost 2 years but I have come through the worst of my reaction to all that because I have good friends now in a face to face meeting which I love.
Keep on posting those feelings Softie and give yourself a big hug.
Welcome softie - you've come to the right place. Please keep coming back - there is a lot of Experience, Strength and Hope (ESH) here, as well as understanding and warmth.
Saying no to someone you love is not easy. It's more difficult when they have an illness like alcoholism, because (in my case) I feared what would happen to my alcoholic brother if I didn't give him money / time / a place to live / whatever else. Would he get into trouble? Would he lose his job? Would he get upset and do something rash? As well as dozens of other questions that ran around my head.
It's by attending Al-Anon meetings and 'working the program' that life has become much saner and calmer for me.
Not sure if you've attended face-to-face Al-Anon meetings before, but if there is an Al-Anon meeting your area please go along to it if you can; you'll meet people who understand your situation. No one will judge you or your son.
Hi Jock,Yes I attend meetings in fact going to one now I have to say they are my rock ,I am trying to work the steps ,I just feel sometimes its me that is sick .I am trying very hard .
Softie we are all sick due to living with and coping with this disease. Alanon has the right tools that, in time will help you to change and thrive. Remember you do not have to do this alone -- HP will help. Keep showing up for yourself and working the Steps. It is progress not perfection that we seek.
Great realization Softie....I'm sick...not bad!! was an early help in recovery from the fellowship. As a sick person I can recover and get well. ((((hugs))))
