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I think my functioning AH is losing it. I really do. No need for details but his short term memory loss is getting worse. He sometimes doesn't even remember doing things. Tonight, it was that he forgot he ordered take out by phone. Me and our youngest come back home shortly after he ordered it and he is making a damn sandwhich. Our daughter asked him why he was doing that when he ordered food. He said he didn't order it!!! I then had to butt in and tell him he did. At that point he tells me that he called but Noone at the place answered! I told him I heard him tell them what he wanted and then tell him his name and he even spelled his name out!!!!!! He is LOSING IT and I feel like I am about to! I cannot take this chaos much longer.
It's me again. Couldn't figure out how to edit my phone when using my phone. I'm certain he is losing it. Earlier in the day he went and got a few non perishable items at the store for me . I asked him awhile ago if he got paper towels. He said , " why don't u look around for them???" So rude. I told him I had been looking for them and didn't see them. He got so mad and said "LOOK IN THE CHAIR!" (dining room table table chair) I said I did and they are no where. So he then yells again, "they are right there!!" Nope they're not. So he hugs and puffs and gets out of his chair and grabs his keys and I follow him knowing that he actually forgot to get them out of the car... as I was following him I was griping at him and telling him I cannot live in this chaos anymore. His reply was, " you're going to bitch when I'm the one that picked them up for you?" Oh my gosh. Such an alcoholics way. Let's just dodge the real problem and put it on me. I told him I knew that is what he was doing by that comment and that was not going to work anymore. I told him I was done living like this. That he was the problem. Haven't spoken a word since to each other and probably won't for the rest of the evening. He sleeps on the couch every night anyway so I don't have to worry about that.
I am sure used to this - just the same thing in my household for years.
It's out of their control, of course. I mean once the brain damage has occurred, it's occurred. And trying to get someone to remember when by definition he has a memory disability - well, that's a hopeless endeavor. You could reason with a reasonable person, but...
I don't mean this to be harsh, but what's left is the question: He's going to do what he's going to do, what are YOU going to do?
Take care of your self...Your are #1. Research on the internet information about blackouts and brain damage from alcohol. Don't count on everything the internet says but it might help with some background and understanding. I have an extended family member that is in an assisted living facility in an "independent" apartment because of brain damage related to alcohol. He is in his forties. He does not drink but I am not sure if he really remembers much about drinking or his previous life. The program can help. Good luck and I am thinking of you.
Thank you both. I've researched blackouts and damaged brains from alcohol. I'm not prepared to live w someone like that because of the stupid choices they made in life. I believe it is a choice. Bottom line it is their choice to want to stop and work on getting better. Nobody else can do it for them. Our youngest is 6 and I will not put her through that. I'm all she has besides her grandpa. Sure, there are other family members but they are somewhat distant. Aunts and uncles... my birth father is in nursing home whom I help care for, I can't care for another. Sounds like it's time for me to do something; move out or he moves out. My happiness never includes him besides his financial help. That is where I am stuck. But- I am determined to make it work. I've had enough. Sad thing is when separation does happen he will not be able to see the kids by himself. With the blackouts he is having there is no way.
I have a small kernel of hope for you because my AH was way worse when he hit bottom at the beginning of April. He had literally lost almost all memory (and hasn't remembered some things from back then), but, he detoxes himself (I'm not recommending this...simply saying what he did) by dropping from 30+ beers per day to none in about 10 days. His sobriety date is the 12th of April and he IS working the program....slowly...with a very, very good sponsor. He is a different person almost completely and I love the changes.
Although some of the memories are gone, he does not have memory loss now for things that have occurred since he started to detox himself. First he was killing himself with the coffee and then he was doing the straight sugar thing to help with the cravings. Now he has gone to drinking "sweet" no or low calorie beverages and eats healthy.
Anyway, I did start him on serious vitamins (after checking with Dr) and he is seeing someone who is aware of everything and has taken him off of Camprol (supposed to help stop cravings) and is taking an anti-depressant (he was self-medicating with alcohol as part of his issues).
The combination of everything has made his memory much much sharper than I ever expected....so there is hope. He is doing great at work again and is thinking much clearer and way more reasonable.
I deal with this EVERY DAY. The trivial tantrum bitching over burnt toast or how much dish liquid I use. Seriously.
Everything I say to him goes in one ear and out the other. We share a vehicle right now, which is problematic, so I have every move of my day written on a paper calendar so he knows when he can have the car or where I am. It still doesn't work.
More than once he's floated off to his AA meeting or some other errand and completely forgotten that I needed the car afterward. Meanwhile, I have PAYING CLIENTS waiting for me and I call and in my best I-am-really-trying-not-to-kill-you-voice: So, where are you? The last one was, he was so spacey he locked both his keys and his cell phone in the car and I lost two paying clients by the time he got home.
The litany of excuses is always the same: "I didn't check the calendar", "I forgot", "I couldn't read your writing", "We discussed this", "You DIDN'T TELL ME THAT" (after my five or six repetitions) - OR worse, he'll make up something completely fictional and insist I said it. **AND THIS IS SOMEONE WHO IS FOURTEEN MONTHS SOBER**. But fifteen years of a twelve-pack a day and over a pack of cigarettes will do that to you. And yes, he drinks about five pots of coffee a day and stuffs sweets. I used to like the smell of coffee but now it actually makes me sick.
As others here have said, only you can judge the point at which you know nothing will improve, and then if you have to get out, get out. You have lots of support here and you cannot take care of anyone else if you don't put yourself first. Good luck and big hugs!
This is one of the few places on earth where preaching to the choir is encouraged! The choir will just follow your lead and echo the refrains! The insanity is an airborne contagion, and I caught it from my AW.
As has been said here many times before, the choice is yours. That's one of the benefits I have received from Al-Anon - the restoration of choice in all things. I would encourage you to keep working your recovery and gain as much serenity as you can before you make a drastic decision. It's not so much that you will change your mind (you might, but that's not the goal, nor is it anyone's business) it's so that you don't shoot yourself in the foot in the process by making the choice and all the related choices, out of spite, anger and resentment instead of a genuine care for yourself and your future!
When I truly started doubting my sanity, the question "Wait...Am I crazy??!! She's crazy!...Right??!" ended up making me look at the things I was doing as a response to the insanity and the answer for me was clear - we were both [sic] crazy!
So, you're not crazy!! Unless of course, you are!! And if that's the case, you aren't much different from many many people here! The difference is, you can uncrazy!
Remember, crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. For me, the craziness was expecting that she would do something different and killing myself with anger and resentment when she didn't - over and over again.
I can't for the life of me figure out why logic and Science has not entered into the problems and issues of Alcoholism.
We have to factor in besides the spiritual the Science of Alcoholism.. that alcohol is Ethanol, like gasoline...what do you think happens when you pour alcohol into your body , not to mention that it does go to the brain also. How long do you think it takes for alcohol to affect the brain when drinking is going on long term....is it any wonder they act insane....Once the drinking stops, the brain should get back to normal, but takes almost a year...memory should return.. unless it continues, then memory loss and brain damage continue.
Why is Antibuse not offered in facilities and by Doctor's...Antibuse is a medication that if you take it and drink , the substance abuser becomes ill. It does work if the alcoholic really is motivated to quit...
And there lies the problem , them getting motivated to quit, that may take many bottoms. My ex 's bottom was death...
Meanwhile, what do the spouses and families of these substance abusers do, when love is involved....how far are you willing to go for the addict? How much of yourself are you willing to give up, when does balance fly out the window.
No matter what the Alcoholic is going thru, we have to take care of ourselve's ...its called "Self Care" and its important. Alanon is our program, our Recovery. our Serenity, it teaches us tools, it has history, it has experience. We need to run, walk, get massages, Yoga, learn to meditate, shop, meet our friends, have dialogue, get involved in the community, have a goal for ourselves other than in the business of an Alcoholic...we are "POWERLESS" over what they do. Empower yourself, obtain your strength and courage, find it....or else the beast of Alcoholism will take you over. And not to be contrary , but there is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic.
Keep coming back, because this program and meditation saved me .... I am now at 69 years old back in college and studying Alcohol and drug counseling. That is my goal to be of service and to help all who suffer from the throes of addiction and that includes the families. ... No matter what , keep motivated to find your serenity and don't lose yourself in the quest to either live with addiction or break free, its up to you, but you Can do it. Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Beatrice on Saturday 18th of July 2015 04:57:02 PM
Yes! I deal with this also! It is very worrisome since we are self-employed and as the business continues to take a nose dive, I see more and more evidence of AH not having a capable "mind" to keep up and I'm not sure what to do about it. He doesn't remember what we talk about in the evenings the next day, he forgets important things, he tells me things that someone else has said but I told him the same thing last week. It's madness and I, too, am not sure how much more I can take! I know I made a commitment to love in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, but I'm really not wanting to sink with the ship.
Beatrice, your post is so good. Thank you for sharing. I fear that my AH's bottom will be death...he has been told by more than one doctor that if he continues the way he is going, he will not live. He still cannot/does not want to stop, I just cannot understand it. I think it is great that you are going back to college to become a counselor. Your experience will help so many!
