The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex ah sent me a heated email abt an old Irs tax. He does not want to pay it. I have been paying this tax on a monthly basis to the irs. He got a letter that said they were keeping his refund due to the tax owed. He wants me to pay him the money he is not receiving. Supposedly the at he was to receive was $1000. I have not responded to him. It's all so absurd. I don't even know what to say. And his email has sent me into a a place of sadness. I paid for everything in our marriage from the rent to his socks. I'm done paying more. The reason I am paying the debt is because we got audited. The audit was his fault. It was his business expenses that red flagged us for the audit. I am not in a good place right now and my sponsor was at work and so I came to the boards. I'm sorry I'm venting. But I needed to tell someone. Thank you for allowing me to share.
I'm sorry, that is just maddening.
I haven't yet worked out how to detach from these kinds of situations, where we are forced to pay for someone else's delinquency on an ongoing basis. I have some similar issues with my ex husband and the things he demands are just off the planet. It's hard to put it in the past when you have to keep coughing up money :-/ I kind of look forward to seeing what others have to say about it here actually!
Hugs.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I paid for everything in our marriage from the rent to his socks. I'm done paying more. The reason I am paying the debt is because we got audited. The audit was his fault. It was his business expenses that red flagged us for the audit.ll someone. Thank you for ae.
Hi Texasgal. I can certainly understand your feelings and concerns. I have copied a sentence that you posted and suggest that you copy and paste this sentence into an email and send it to him
.Then I would say the serenity prayer, make a gratitude list for my current life and detach.
I know its not funny but "HA" that his brain thinks he's entitled for you to keep bailing him out !!
Heck, if your making payments and they kept his return .. sounds like he made a big payment is all .... SMH !
Don't let him make you sad if possible, it might be worded mean but sounds like "life lessons" are just holding him accountable so you don't have to take/pay all responsibility.
Hold your head high a fake a big smile .. Sending hugs to you
__________________
..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
So sorry this has got you down. My best suggestion is to treat this as if it's not your Ex-AH.....follow whatever was decided in the divorce. You have no control how the IRS chooses to collect taxes due. You don't own any response to him exp. if his 'demand for payment' is in a text.
Use your tools and separate yourself from him and the event. At moments like this, I put on my 'business hat' - very professional, fact based without emotion. This helps me keep my motive in check.
I too am sending positive thoughts your way. One of the best things about modern technology is we can choose when to respond, if to respond and how to respond. When I was growing up, and there was no caller ID and no technology, you were at the mercy of timing, emotions and reactions. This is one of the blessings I've come to appreciate about our modern communication choices.
Breathe deep and just use your tools. Trust your HP and you will get through this...
(((Hugs)))!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Texasgal. Been there done that. Here's what I did when I was in a very similar situation: DETACH, DETACH, DETACH! Don't let your exAH get in the way of your serenity.
The detachment tool is a proper tool to use here and if you need more practice then the time is appropriate.
"I'm done paying more." That is a statement he needs to hear...it is justified by the slogan, "No" is a complete sentence. You're breaking yourself from a bad habit...him.
This is that part of the Serenity Prayer that says..."The courage to change..." In support...come back more often. ((((hugs))))
Most of these stupid laws on taxes,divorce,pension were made by unfeeling rich men in government. thats why women suffer soo much. we are responsible for for our husband's debts and our benefits are denied by having to have our husbands sign off on them. likeme, domestic violence survivor and wife of AH. he has to sign off on MY pension so i can gain accesss to money I EARNED! IT IS RIGHT TO SAY THESE MONEY ISSUES ARE HIS BUT THE GOVERNMENT AND LAWS MAKES IT OUR ISSUES
I called irs got the exact amount still owed and sent that number to my ex. I also told him their is nothing I can do the irs is the irs. I told him I have already paid a lot of the debt already and I do not get a refund as well due to debt. I told him that I do not wish to have contact with him. If he wishes to call irs on the account he may do so. I also added that the irs has the records that I alone have been paying the debt. I decided to unlink the email address from my phone and get a new email altogether. Once my friends have my new email I will deactivate the old acct so that I do not have contact with him whatsoever. Contact from him is deadly to me. It sends me into sad spiral. I thank my HP everyday that we did not have children because then I would have to have contact with him. Thank you for your kind words I appreciate it a lot.
