The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been watching and reading in the background for months now, I attend telephonic meetings and listen. I have never been to a f2f meeting due to the limited availability of times in my area.
This is my first post.
I am married to an functional alcoholic, we are separated after December when there was a black out drunk night and he fractured my neck. I still stayed and started drinking more myself to forget and two weeks later he injured me again. He had never been physical throughout our 13 years together. It was such a confusing and scary thing to experience. I kicked him out which he is very angry and bitter about. To him this is all my fault, he had no choice, I made him drink, I made him move, I made his choices for him and in the first few months of the year I believed him, I had just as much fault as him in the choices we were making. I changed my mind and my actions, I decided that alcohol had no purpose in my life but causing pain and suffering, He knows and admits he has a problem but will do nothing to address it and it has taken all these months to come to terms with this and accept it. Step one is a killer, I am so controlling (or always thought I was in control) learning that giving him an ultimatum of drinking or me, he chose to drink, we fought and fought and I felt so little, so insignificant, so unimportant. I found alanon and started reading, I read about alcoholism and addiction and I have come to accept that this is his issue and problem above all else, not mine. He has his own path to follow and I have mine. I continue to work on myself, love myself and do healthy things with my life. He and I had been doing so much better and communicating. I still hate his drinking but I do not try to regulate him any longer, I try not to keep count of what he drinks (Although this is the hardest one) and when he is drunk (which is 4-5 times a week) I will not fight with him and if I feel the tides turning I leave and put myself in safe situation. I find I am now scared of him when he gets angry and if I get upset at all or my feelings hurt he has anger. It makes me feel as though I am not allowed to have feelings. Not allowed words because they upset him. So lonely, Isolated and hurt, like a wounded animal... walking on egg shells.
I have come out of this some and I do say how I feel knowing I cannot control his reactions and make sure I am in a safe place when I do say what I need to say. I want my husband home, I want to feel safe with him, I want him to admit there is a problem and try to fix it, but I do know none of that is my choice, it is his and there is a very big chance he will never do any of that. I am trying to find the even balance. I am trying to be there for myself and still be there for him and I am struggling with this. I feel the closer I get to him and the better we are doing the less I work on myself.He is not supportive of me not drinking and buys and offers me drinks all the time. I do not know if I am an alcoholic, I know I am excessive whenever I do drink, I am excessive in everything I do but I have no problem not drinking at all. I would rather go through life sober thinking that I am an alcoholic than drunk and wondering. Everything seems so clear and more intense (in a good way) sober. I for the first time in my life am dealing with emotions I never have before and feeling things I never have. My scary traumatic anxiety is gone, I don't wake up with panic attacks or live with anxiety and shame daily. I don't say Yes when I mean No anymore (Well sometimes I still do) trying so hard but I still get so caught up in him and what he thinks and feels towards me and about me, He tells me I am the most wonderful person in the world and 10 seconds later tells me how horrible I am, he chooses to live alone and the single life and dive deep into work than be home with his children and wife, He says he feels pushed out and "Kicked out of his own home so he doesn't want to go back there, he wants me to sell the house and move. I can't see uprooting ur children and moving because he is embarrassed and ashamed to face everyone in the neighborhood because of the drunk choices he has made, he would rather run away and fight for his addiction than have his family, it is a very sad hurtful situation. He says he will have nothing to do with any of our friends we have had for over a decade, he wants no part of it and wants me to have no part also, he has stayed friends with a couple people that are just as sick in addiction as him and that's it, he is not alone, he has party buddies but he wants me alone? I don't understand at all and don't try to anymore. I just do as I please and wait for him to be angry. Today I explained I will not run from anyone or anything, I will face anyone with my head held high and I do not care about other peoples opinion or judgments on what I do in my life. I told him that if I am his trigger, his main source of anxiety (as he points out) then I am the thing that needs to be removed and I cannot make his choices for him and I cannot push him in any direction, that I am here and I love him and I want our family but ultimately it is on him, unless I choose to give up and walk away (Which is what will end up happening) I have made the choice to change my life, quit drinking and focus on my family. He thinks and ALWAYS states "everything is so easy for me" I try to explain it is not easy, this is something I have been accused of my entire life "Making things look easy" I just deal with the situations as they come no matter how hard with my head held high and not complaining. am I supposed to look weak or show difficulty to make others feel better or stronger? I don't think I can do that, I am who I am and being strong even when I don't feel strong is my own defense mechanism.... I feel like he is a monkey swinging between two trees, the tree he wants (His family) and the tree he knows (Addiction) above all else, I am powerless over this and as much as it hurts, I am prepared to move on. Addiction is so ugly and hurtful :(
Welcome Jaded4462 - glad you found MIP and glad you are here!
I applaud you for taking the initiative and learning more about the disease. You have learned already that it is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. You are absolutely correct that addiction is ugly and very hurtful.
I am so glad you are sharing here. We've all been where you are or close to it. Some have been abused, some have not. But the affect of the disease on those who love an alcoholic are very similar, and the best we can do is work on ourselves and take care of ourselves.
I loved the 3 C(s) when I got to Al-Anon - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. They allowed me to breathe deeply - something I felt I had not done in a long while.
There are meetings scheduled here twice daily, but recently we've had a shortage of chairs. There are always members online at meeting time, so if there is no chair, there is still healthy fellowship. The meeting schedule is up at the top of the page, left hand side.
Again welcome aboard - know that we're only a post away!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I relate to a lot of this, in fact it's very familiar.
What stands out is that I'm reading a lot about what he does, why you think he does it, how you feel about what he does and how you think he feels about what you do.
But aside from wishing he could be a good husband for you, what do you want for you? Regardless of what he does (which is probably going to be drinking), what would you like to do? What did you like/want/dream about before you were with him?
Those were questions I needed to answer honestly in order to find the motivation to start making progress. I needed to work out what I wanted for me no matter what he did. Then I was able to utilise al-anon to help me start to achieve those things.
Also welcome and good on you for sharing
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
WELCOME JADED --- ALANON SUGGEST THAT THERE BE NO MAJOR LIFE CHANGES FOR THE FIRST 6 MONTHS IN PROGRAM, UNLESS THERE IS VIOLENCE INVOLVED. THE REASON FOR THIS IS SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A TIME TO REGAIN OUR ABILITY TO RESPOND TO SITUATIONS IN A HEALTHY FASHION AND LEARN TO STOP REACTING .
Glad you are here and are making such great decisions for your safety and health. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Crews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie helped me immensely early in my program as did my face to face al-anon group and sponsor. Keep coming back!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
While i was reading your post about "why does he do/say this or that" about friends and isolation for you, I was reminded of the phrase that explained so much to me. I was told that my alcoholic was an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. That explained so much about what he said and did. It became my mantra for many years.
