Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Nightingale · Veteran Member

I am sicker then I thought

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Can I ask what you hate about f2f meetings?
My two favourite losses since al-anon have been embarrassment and shame. They governed me for such a long time and I found that once I walked into a meeting those feelings were checked at the door and they weren't always there waiting for me when I walked out again either.
Additionally if you've just binged on alcohol recently I'm sure you know that you've created a perfect physical environment for anxiety to flourish.
I wonder if you might find relief rather than defeat if you walked into a meeting today?

-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 6th of July 2015 03:52:48 AM

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Nightingale, so sorry you are so unhappy and wondering why you are choosing to use alcohol to manage this unhappiness.

Alcohol is so damaging to your whole being and is not the answer to your unhappiness, it will only accentuate it. F2F

meetings and working the steps, are your best bet to beating the sad emotions your are experiencing. Please don't be

embarrassed, just look at today as a new day to start down a better path!! Please keep coming back to talk with us.

almostThere · Senior Member

Seconding all that has been said. I'm sorry your life has become so painful. The "letting go" of shame and embarrassment is so liberating. Vulnerability is a sign of strength. Go to f2f's and keep coming back here. So many here have felt the same pain. I hope you find relief.

Nightingale · Veteran Member

What don't I like?.......its not so much embarrassement as it is control I think. I didn't mind going back in the beginning when I was with my EXAH. But now that I'm with someone who has been in AA the whole time I've known him and would like me to go I rebell and don't want to go. It's so childish but that I think is the truth of it..

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh now that makes a lot of sense to me. The best way to stop me from doing something is to tell me that I should do it...lol!
I hope you can find a way to work around it and gift meetings to yourself.
Hugs!!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

There is an alanon speaker name eludes me .. She talks about meetings as her medicine. If she doesn't go she leaks. Her thoughts get out of control and so does her behavior. I remember sitting in a meeting with a very funny woman in her 70s and a long timer said she had been in for 20 years. Her response was ohhh Sh%#!$! What's wrong with you!? Lol .. I think the idea of having to go for a long time is overwhelming .. It's good it's a one day at a time program. After all its only 12 steps .. One step a week and I'm fixed! NOT! I keep coming back because it's necessary even though my XAH and I aren't together. I didn't get here alone I got here with the help of my coping skills I learned as a child. That's hard to undo overnight. I hope you have a great meeting and you find what you need. Hugs

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Nightingale))) - hugs to you....

So very sorry for your pain - I do understand where you are coming from. Before program, I took 'everything' as criticism and as others judging me which brought me shame and embarrassment. As I learned to focus on me, and work on that in my life I could manage/control (me, my behaviors, my actions & my reactions), my self-esteem improved. As I continued to progress forward, my self-confidence improved. And, slowly I changed.

As I gained self-love, I learned in my Step work that my insanity kept me from being the best me I could be. I had to change almost everything about the way I hear, receive and process messages. When others made suggestions to me about me, I have learned to accept they are coming from a place of concern and love. Even from my A(s) - I listen, process and seek a lesson in what is said instead of assuming the worst in them and I for the words said.

It's no secret that I worried too much, tried to control to much, tried to fix many things that weren't mine to fix, did not debate with sense & love, but argued to be right, etc. My insanity kept me selfish in my thoughts, actions and deeds and I was in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction and unhappiness. I took everything personally and was easily offended and full of shame that my life was so out of control. There is so much more, but this is my before program MO.

The program has taught me more about the disease, how it affects those directly and others indirectly. The program has taught me how I can be healthy, serene and at peace in spite of my past and what's going on around me. The program has taught me how to take care of and love me. The program has helped me strip away the old tapes, the unhealthy negative emotions and all that baggage that we carry around.

So - when you do walk in that room, know that most in there have been where you are. They will accept you and love you unconditionally until you can accept and love yourself. I agree with above me - consider it your treatment/medicine and just accept it's a necessary step for recovery.

Keep coming back here - I believe with your admission in this post, you are well on the way to recovering, because we must admit we are powerless first before we are willing to move forward.

Thanks for being here!

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I think that, on top of all the excellent advice above, that you have to want

to get help, because you are so unhappy. That it has to be your decision and

not because somebody tells you that Al-anon or any other course you take is

your only recourse to happiness. The choice is yours alone. {{HUGS}}

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Nightingale, I think a healthy dose of fellowship will go a long way for you. It sounds like you have so very much invested in this relationship. It sounds like this guy may be healthier than the ex-husband, but still...nobody is, and nobody can be, "our everything." Your happiness needs to be derived from multiple sources. I know your A has depression. That is difficult, but still, he shouldn't have to try so hard to be everything you need. The program made me less emotionally needy and my relationships improved as a result. I'm sure there are parts of the relationship that are on his side of the street and that he could work on, but that's his issue and not under your control.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I too have been attending Al-Anon meetings are over 35 years. I do understand that having lived with this disease, I was severely affected and needed and still need a program of recovery in order to be able to enjoy life and living on life's terms.

Living with the disease of alcoholism we develop many destructive coping tools that hurt us without our even realizing it. Many of us have resisted any attempts at seeking help for ourselves because we felt that if we just act in a certain way, speak a certain way, we will make others happy, and then we will be happy. In fact I think I heard you say that in your recent posting. Life does not work that way

Al-Anon helped me to see, that if I kept the focus on myself, let go of all my negative destructive tools, such as, anger, resentment, self-pity and fear, gossip and blame, I would be able to accept life on life's terms

The alanon meeings. the steps and slogans all worked /work to help me to restore my self esteem,and self worth. I have developed the courage, serenity, and wisdom which are true gifts of this program.

Meetings help me to break the isolation caused by this disease. Please keep coming back.

Nightingale · Veteran Member

Wow...I think I just figured something out..... I think the reason I've been rejecting meeting goes much deeper then I thought. Let's see if I can condense this.....I fear rejection big time for various reasons. As a kid...as much as I love my older sister if she liked something...I didn't. If she was good at something...I wouldn't ever atempt it. I'll reject you before you can reject me. My sister and her AH are very active in service. They are both well known in our small AA/Al-

Nightingale · Veteran Member

Damn...posted before I was ready....anyway..... They are both very active in service and well-known in our small AA /Al-Anon community. I stopped going to meetings right after my sister show disapproval that I had started dating once my EXAH and I separated. Rejecting meetings is one more way I reject my family.

Tampa · Veteran Member

Nightingale wrote:
Wow...I think I just figured something out..... I think the reason I've been rejecting meeting goes much deeper then I thought. Let's see if I can condense this.....I fear rejection big time for various reasons. As a kid...as much as I love my older sister if she liked something...I didn't. If she was good at something...I wouldn't ever atempt it. I'll reject you before you can reject me. My sister and her AH are very active in service. They are both well known in our small AA/Al-

Light-bulb moment I call that. I hope you do go and I hope you keep an open mind for yourself. :) Hugs and peace your way.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Great awareness Nightingale. Please remember that alanon is a 'Fellowship of Equals" where each member is asked to leave" what they are" including their titles outside and discover "who" they are.

Anonymity is stressed as being extremely important so is the fact that our leaders are but trusted servants and do not govern.

No one at the meetings will know your history as we only share our first names and you do not need to share you participation with your family.
Recovery is up to us-- so please keep coming back.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I'm sorry you're pain Nightinggale but glad you trusted us with it. I hope you find your answers concerning going to f2f. You've voiced your feelings about feeling overwhelmed and out of balance it and you sound like you're trying to Keep an Open Mind about going back to Alanon meetings to regain your serenity.

It sure would be nice if we could pick and choose the people who give us free advice huh For me, it stings a bit at first but if the message is a good one, it's good no matter who is presenting it and I take it. It can be hard to hear these things from family members at times. Anyway, you're working through these feelings and will take what you liked and leave the rest. Recovery is a very personal journey and you'll do what you feel is right for you. (((hugs))) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 6th of July 2015 08:48:28 AM

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Nightingale)))

So Very Glad your Here... And At First I Didn't think I Would have Any ESH to Share till you Shared that Last bit about your Sister... WOW .... I too have an Older Sister with about the Same Relationship, Growing up I did what ever it took to Stay OUT of her Circle and Keep her Out of Mine, and I have been Struggling to NOW Keep her OUT of my Meetings... We too Live in a Small Community and when I Started Al-Anon Early On everyone in my Family thought I was "Crazy or Being Brainwashed" and NOW they all want to Jump on My Happiness Bubble and Pop it...

I have Missed Meetings back my Sis would say, Hey can I Go with you, and I Would Selfishly say, Oh Sorry Not Going Tonight... I have this to do, Maybe Next time... and Though I know this is Part of My Sickness... I Just feel her being in my Meetings would send me back to the Beginning, because it would all be about Her... and I Wouldn't be able to be ME if she is around because I Would Always be on the defensive... So I Can Sure relate to not wanting that Judgment...

I hope that you can Find a Meeting maybe that she isn't always apart of ... I Know our Small Town Only has 3 a week, and I Make 2 pretty Regular, I Feel your Struggle, and I know that with the Help of Al-Anon we can Both Heal from Our Past, and Be Willing and Able to Change our Lives for the Better....

So.. Please Keep Coming back here, and Sharing your Story, so that we can All GROW together... I'm Grateful your Here, and I Now have More Work to do On Me

Thanks for Your Honesty and Your Share....

Friends in Recovery

Jozie

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

So happy you were able to figure things out!! Please continue to come back and talk things out here on MIP board!

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I often refer to those as 'Aha' moments......awareness is such a gift. Keep us posted on how the meeting goes!

Sending positive thoughts to you and prayers for courage!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I love ftf meetings i just went and listened, learned
And absorbed for close to two years. I could relate
To so many shares. It took me a long time to share
And bare my soul and talk from my heart.

My mother attended alanon for twenty plus years.
I did not want to overlap with her so i did not attend.
Looking back that thinking was very harmful to me
In the long run or it was a good excuse in my brain
For not attending. My ah was dry but that was all.

Keep going to ftf meetings for your own emotional
Health and well being. It might save your sanity as
It did mine. My coping skills were not working well
And were hurting me in every way. Emotional eating,
Stuffing of hurts and feelings. Afraid to speak up
For myself. I look in the mirror now and say who is
This person who has no spark left anymore?

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have always been a rebel in regards to my family and they were addicts and alcoholics so I was straight edge. I still have dome isms and control issues and thankfully al- anon helped me to see myself more clearly and scrape off some layers. I'm glad you're here. Keep coming back.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene