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Since I've been in the program I have had progress in my life. As I move forward in my life one of the things I need to deal with better is the reaction to my flashbacks I get sometimes when I'm in situations I get a feeling that takes me back to the place when I was with my exAh. Sometimes I can still hear his harsh words. For a long time I believed all the negative things he said abt me that I was a fool, I'm dumb, Im ugly, I'm undesirable and that I deserved the beatings he gave me. Sometimes I have dreams that are not dreams but that are flashbacks of incidents that happened. I wake up crying but then I see that I'm in my safe apt. But I will feel bad for awhile afterwards. I've talked it over with my sponsor and this behavior contributed to my freak out of the ex friend. As soon as I saw her that horrible feeling hit my stomach and the safe place was the guest bedroom. I do not like confrontation. I try to avoid it at all costs. I didn't want to talk to her and I didn't want to talk abt it. It took a lot for me to talk to her to end our friendship in the first place and then for her to show up like that. I talked for a long time to my sponsor and their are things I need to do to help myself improve. I'm very very grateful for this program and all the things it has taught me and all the things I have yet to learn. Thank you for letting me share.
Hi yes I have the hear the same stuff you mention it sounds like myexAh never left my house and certain times of the day it gets even more intense , supper time I would smell food cooking and he not here it's almost a haunting kind of feeling , I here it's normal to be going threw his since we lived with these condition for ever and a day . It does subside and gets better .
Hi texasgal. Glad to hear you are moving forward. I'm inching forward, and often have that feeling like I'm leaning way too far back and am about to topple over backwards. I posted about this same thing a week or so ago. It's that negative self-talk, endless reel thing and it gets me too. I continue to have arguments that are long over, or would be if I would let them go. hotrod advised me to start out by repeating the serenity prayer to myself when I catch this happening, or to use some other slogan or tool that's positive and self-affirming. The mind can only truly hold one thought or focus on one thing at a time, and those who think they are "multi-tasking" have been shown to simply be very adept at switching channels very quickly between multiple things. So, if you occupy your mind with something else, you can block it out. It takes practice to realize you are caught in the loop, and practice to break out of it. I still work on it all the time. Give it a try. I hope it helps.
I also get those flashback feelings when something upsets me - I used to feel so angry about it, which just added to the problem!! I find it helps me to recognise them for what they are, just flashbacks and then I use them as a warning sign that I need to do something positive for myself. It helped me to think about what it was about those flashbacks that upset me so much as well (but not to spend too long on it btw!). Slowly the negative feelings are being replaced by positive experiences and I am finding it easier to replace the bad feelings with positive memories as I build up my memory bank. I still feel a tad irritated that the flashbacks crop up, darn it. It is a learning curve and I guess that I always wanted a life full of learning!!!!
Wow! That's classic ptsd and many people who have never had it don't get that a memory, sight, smell or taste can do that. What helped me was emdr additional therapy .. Just being able to put myself into my own personal safe place in my mind helps calm me. I would encourage you if you pray/meditate for you to create that space so when those moments happen you have a mental place to go to regroup. Its a very scary feeling to be in a perfectly safe space and old tapes start playing. Big hugs thanks for sharing.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hello Texasgal, I too have experienced the painful flashbacks of which you speak. The program truly helped me and I can see that you have spoken with your sponsor and a working diligently to do the same.
Today I have many memories that I can bring to mind and there are no feelings attached-- only clarity and lessons learned. Steps four through 11 have been invaluable, as has been sharing with trusted friends.
Thank you all for your words and support (((hugs))) I'm working on myself one day at a time. I know I have things to work on and for the first time I am able to share my true feelings and thoughts with the trusted friends I have made in Alanon. Before I lived an isolated life and I lived a life of lies covering up for my exAh and myself to make it look like we were "normal" we were far from that. I felt like i lived in some weird alternate universe for a long time. My universe now is much better but the old universe memories are their. I am grateful for the program. I am more peaceful now than I was before. I know I can overcome these flashbacks and deal with them in a positive way and I know the program will help me over come. Thank for letting me share :)
I had to think about whether to share this or not because it is sort of advicey but I'm hoping it might be helpful.
One thing I was taught by an abuse counsellor was that I have to make a concerted effort to change my chemical/ hormonal response to these feelings. So what seems natural to me is to freak out and then crawl into bed when I am having those kinds of experiences, and pull the covers over my head and try to shut out the world. But that perpetuates me feeling alone, isolated, sad, helpless etc and my body responds with chemicals that match that and it becomes a cycle.
So what she encouraged me to do was pretty much the opposite of what I wanted to do; basically in those moments to get out into the sun, exercise, socialise, laugh, talk to someone about something positive, do something to help someone else etc.
Of course the idea isn't to repress the feelings or hide from them; working through them is important but to change the physical response so that my body isn't working against me and making it all much harder.
I find it helpful and it sort of puts the power back in my hands which is nice.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
texasgal, I get the flashbacks too. My RAH never beat me but the emotional abuse went on for years. I can certainly relate to how you said you lived in an alternate universe. My RAH was late the other day coming home from an AA meeting. Like 2 hours late. He ended up stopping to go fishing after the meeting but did not have the consideration to call to let me know. So here I was at home thinking the worst and that's when the flashbacks came...all the late nights where I'd be home taking care of our kids and he would be out partying. I would call his cell only to be told "I'll be home in 10 minutes" then hours would pass by and he still never came home. All the while I could hear people having a grand old time in the background. This went on for so many years and I put up with it for awhile. Then I developed negative coping skills to deal with it. I did the best I could at the time. So when he was late this time I told him you made me worry and you need to have the consideration to pick up the phone and call. I'm looking forward to diving into F2F Alanon meetings to get some of my self esteem back and learn how to live for me.
Missmeliss, I love your advice and I am going to use it. I find just sitting in the sun or being outdoors helps tremendously to lift some of the depression. Also exercise when I can motivate myself to do so! And helping others just makes you feel great. I took to my bed quite a few times when I was feeling sorry for myself. But what good did it do? None. I don't want to waste another minute of my life.
