The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just joined and looking forward to a new Al-Anon group to work with. My qualifier is my active AH. We will be traveling again soon and I am looking for an online group to join. The one group I joined works via email posts but this system seems much more interactive with "real" people. I have been going to f2f meetings for about two years. When traveling I attend f2f meetings in other cities. They are very interesting and supportive but my upcoming trip will be international. I am sure members of Al-anon in Germany, for example, all speak "al-anon" but it wouldn't help me if the meeting was in German LOL.
For the first time, about three weeks ago, my AH tried to stop drinking on his own with the help of a Sober app and their corresponding community. He has slipped twice. I did not get my hopes up but when he slipped I was so surprised how disappointed I was. I knew it was going to happen, I did not have unrealistic expectations so I was shocked at my disappointment. It was real.
My mother is coming to visit me tomorrow and I asked him (calmly, when he wasn't drinking) to stay at our other house if he planned to drink when she was here. Not drinking when my family visits was an already established boundary. He got very upset and told me that my disappointment with his slip just wanted to make him quite trying. I am not to blame, this is his "inside job". But, again I was taken aback. I thought I was being honest and we were communicating but now he thinks I am the bad guy..... I think NOT. Really, really hard to know what is going on in that diseased brain. I do not want to do the "wrong" thing but how do I know what is "right"?
Glad you found MIP. It's a great supportive community with lots of personalities, experiences and shares.
Doesn't sound like you're the bad guy to me. Especially since the boundary was already established.
Sounds to me like he feels like a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar and he wants to scapegoat you.
I can't tell you what the next best thing to do is. I do feel that when I show disappointment I'm painting a target on my forehead and providing an opportunity for my A to shift her focus to me. I work very hard not to do that, but I am struggling with a similar issue today.
Maybe try something like "I'm not judging, it's your struggle and a very hard one, I know, I just want to settle this little piece of business about what we agree on before my mother gets here. IF you drink, you understand you can't stay here, right? That's all. The rest is your business."
Is this the "right" thing??!! I have no idea. Hopefully others here will have some good ESH.
welcome to MIP Janet - one thing I have found so true is that all people in recovery speak the same language! I sometimes quickly find myself engaged in recovery talk in the most unlikely places - it works because we all share the same heartache.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
In the face of this disease, what is "right" is only what you decide and how you act after taking into account your motivrs and relying on your HP. Alcoholic insanity will rear its ugly head even when you are doing all the "right" things. In fact, we often get more bs and drama for setting boundaries because the disease wants enabling and no boundaries.
Incidentally, being in AA as well as alanon, I can tell you that he won't get sober from trying. So your response doesn't matter that much there. It requires an act of surrender. I progressed through all sorts of methods of trying to go on the wagon before AA. I guess I just had to do that to get humbled enough to finally go and follow the program.
Wow, this is great. I love this opportunity to add to my f2f meetings. I am not good about calling people, although they all seem quite willing to receive calls. This is a great alternative to waiting for a meeting that may be days away. Thanks!
Don't know which I would choose in the situation, but I see Debb's point.
I struggle with detaching in social situations and letting my A's intoxication reflect on her and not feel like it's reflecting on me. Mostly because she blabs and over-shares about our whole family and it makes me uncomfortable. But she's going to do that no matter what I do.
But what do you do? I wouldn't want a drunken SO ruining my visit. It seems like you should properly be able to address the situation ahead of time without it being gaslighting. Not sure.
I too welcome you to MIP - so very glad you are here!
My own experience with an AH and 2 A Sons is they revolt at first to almost every boundary I set that might affect their 'ease of living'. I do the best I can to set the boundaries for me after checking my motives and have them not be punitive, and it doesn't matter.....they still tend to react negatively. I just expect irrational responses to rational requests/boundaries and remind myself that I love My A(s), but I hate this disease.
I have to detach often especially when I am setting boundaries and taking care of me. It's a new behavior that disrupts the equilibrium of the home and change is difficult for all of us - even moreso it seems for active As. But, if the boundary I am setting matters to me, I need to stick to it.
A couple of times of seeing that I intend to honor my boundary, and they stop pushing/asking/reacting.
I too am a double winner and can say that when I was starting recovery and working the steps, I was my own worst critic. He may be 'hearing that you are saying what you are saying because of the slip' instead of you just wanting to confirm an existing boundary. My As often tie two or more statements or events together to justify/rationalize things/reactions when they maybe should not be doing so. I did this in early sobriety too.
I don't know if that makes sense or helps but it's just quite possible he is angry at himself for slipping and taking it out on you. In either case or no matter what, just take care of you and trust HP to lead you forward....he's never failed me yet and I know he's got you too!
Again - welcome aboard!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Janet Keep coming back Remembering that I am powerless over others and that all I needed to do was simply keep the focus on myself, and detach from the insanity. This saved my life.
