The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't have a lot of time so this may not be a elequently written as I would like....
I'm looking for others who's sober partner suffers from sometimes server depression. My AP is sometimes.....like now.....unable to even get out of bed. Over the past three years we have had varying degrees of better and worse but the man I met seems to be nowhere to be found disspite being under a doctors care and medication changes and adjustments. I love him and accept him for who he is...warts and all. I just need some support myself sometimes. Depression makes for a very one sided relationship.
Just like his alcoholism... I'm not interested in wasting time trying to figure out why he's depressed, discussing what he "should" be doing or how to "fix" him. I'm just looking for people like me. Yes I have a f2f home group and a sponcer. I have also signed up for a depression support forum but I would prefer to connect with partners and spouces in Al-Anon who understand the entire spectrum of not only depression\mental illness\alcoholism\addiction and all the traits, trials and wonderfulness that go along with it.
I apologize if this post comes off sounding a little sharp or angry. That's not my intention. I'm just rushing to get to work.
My AH does not have diagnosed depression, but if I had a crystal ball, I'd venture to say he's got some mild forms. Nothing like what you describe. My A Son does have depression that has been severe, but he's finally found a good medication that is given him peace for the moment. This of course all falls apart when he uses substances....
I have nothing but support for you on this journey. (((Hugs))) for you both!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The social model or group support programs are very helpful. You might want to ask the program director at a mental health facility what information they have or bring the subject up in one of your Al-Anon meetings. I'll see what I can find here also. ((((hugs))))
Alcohol is a depressant in itself. It's always struck me odd when depressed people drink it's an oxymoron in itself. I have heard around the tables of open AA meetings many different stories of different mental health diagnosis. Ive also know of a few misdiagnosis because addiction masks similar behaviors and until there is a longer period of sobriety it can be difficult to get an actuate diagnosis. It would be a good topic to bring up at an after meeting meeting lol!!!
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks everyone. I have so much frustration, loneliness, sadness, and anger going on inside of me that I know its starting to cloud my judgement. I feel completely alone and whà ts worse is now I find myself feeling jealous of happy couples/families is see out in public, Facebook and even movies. I struggle very much with low self-esteem and codependentsy. The lack of affection, interest and attention from my depressed partner over the past 2 1/2 years is becoming at times unbearable. Yesterday I had a car full of teenage boys pointing and laughing and making fun of me. It crushed me. I have Hugh abandonment/rejection issues which of course makes me to perfect partner for an alcoholic.
I almost feel like I'm going through a mid-life thing. My AP has had an amazing life...... Travelling the world all through his 20's and 30's. Living abroad clubing all over Europe, NY, LA, Dubi. Dating modles, shopping, lounging on beaches and many, many flings and relationships. That exciting guy I met seven years ago is now over weight, depressed and unemployable leaving me to take care of everything. Not his fault I know. I'm just venting all the stuff inside I can't say to anyone.
I met my EXAH at the age of 14....married at 21....two kids...a job. My oldest has just recently left home to go travel with his girlfriend. Im so happy for him. It must be a mid-life thing. All I feel is regret. I feel like I wasted my life. I just want to feel beautiful and loved and have fun. Instead I feel like my whole life is work and chores and responsibility. With my AP not being able to work money is a very big issue. I have to work all the hours I can to not quite make ends meet plus take care of absolutely everything else. I know it all just sounds like whinning and feeling sorry for myself and maybe it is but I need a nonjudgmental place to say it before I explode.
These boys best not have been in the car with you!! You know if they weren't .. That. Is about them. The great thing about alanon is out taught me not to take things personally. It's a huge toll to live with active addiction and I find it harder to be the sig other when someone is newly recovering. All these behaviors that served a purpose no longer work. It sounds like you really would benefit from meetings ave a face to face support. You sure deserve it! Hugs!!!
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi. Well first, your post wasn't sharp or angry and thank God not a page long with no paragraphs. I just can't digest those posts. You sound like you want a solution. That's good. And as though you understand that therapy, psychiatrists and meds aren't the solution. You're right. As you wistfully realize already.
Depression comes from being in "self" (both you and your husband's). So the solution is to find a spiritual way of living - and give.
We have fellowships for that.
PS Not everyone who looks happy (esp on FB) is really happy. We all are human and have pain to grow through. My job is doing my own work.
Hello Nightingale - i just wanted to say hello as my partner also suffers from severe depression and bipolar but has been sober for 3 years. He wasn't 'working a program' however. I can really relate to the impact it's had on your self-esteem and the loss that you feel. I actually separated from my partner 9 months ago when it became too much for me, particularly as I was doing all the work and most of the childcare and was disappearing beneath it all. It was when he became mean on top of it all that he finally crossed my red line And I asked him to leave. It's no bed of roses now though. I still feel highly tarnished by the disease and am trying to follow the steps and work with a sponsor. It's really hard to get past step 1 I find, but then I realize it took me years to get to step 1 so why not take some time with it. The other day he asked me how I could throw away a sick person. I'm still really struggling with guilt and shame and self-doubt on that. Every piece of me feels that what I've done is wrong and yet every piece of me doesn't want to go back to that place. I feel like a magnet repelling against something that I really want to go toward. I don't know how to deal with it in myself but I'm just trying to make my decision each day and sometimes each minuteand trying to access my HP to help me out with it. It doesn't come easily but I'm trying. Or am I surrendering? a bit of both I think.
My AH also has depression, is also on meds, also see's a counselor. You are not alone. You can not change the past but there can be a future, with the tools of the program and your HP's help you, me and the rest of MIP can help each other.
I have used my phone to set reminders that are actually slogans. For example, I will set a reminder for 10am and 2pm that says "Think" or "Serenity". Whatever speaks to you.
Nightingale, I can totally relate to being super envious of happy, normal couples/families. So much to the point where I deleted my FB account over a year ago. That was not the only reason--it was a big time waster for me and working two jobs since my AH was not capable of working one, I had no time to waste. I worked so much and took care of the house, kids, grocery shopping, etc because he was just not capable. I worked two jobs for 5 years with the last year working 7 days a week and some holidays. I would scream at my AH "how can you watch me do this??" I lost 5 years of precious time and boy was I mad. My husband just started recovery a month ago and I guess you can say so did I. When he went to inpatient addiction recovery program for two weeks I lost it. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was so used to working and taking care of everyone because I had to. Now I thought who is going to take care of me? I didn't know how. I fell into a deep depression and had severe anxiety every day. I ended up taking a stress leave from my full time job and quitting my part time job. The money just didn't matter anymore. And same as you I was not even making ends meet anyway so what was the point of busting my a**? My advice to you would be don't lose yourself in the work. I ended up having a little nervous breakdown from all the stress. But I loved acting superior and saying look at me I'm strong and he's so weak. Now I'm not so strong. But this had to happen for me to start my own recovery and heal from the past 18 years of insanity living with an active A. Just wanted to tell you you're not alone and I can relate to everything you said. I've been there and it is a huge killer of self esteem.
I can relate to the envy over the other 'happy people/families' and 'facebook'. I did not delete my facebook, but did avoid it for a long while as it was counter-productive to my sanity. I don't know what it is about low self-esteem that makes us compare how we feel on the inside to what others show us on the outside (photos), but ... I did and I now know I'm not alone.
I'm better now thanks to this program, meetings, the steps and great sponsor and MIP. I still don't like facebook as I think it's a huge time-waster and there are so many other things I'd rather be doing!!! But, I do go on and see photos of cute kids/babies and catch up with old/new friends once in a while.
Please keep coming back here and see if you can't find the time to go to some F2F meetings! They truly changed my life and gave me local program friends to get together with. The program is not easy but the work is worth every ounce of energy I put into it.
(((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can relate to your post in many ways.
I think that depression can be catching. For me, it became important to avoid catching it. I am an optimistic person but I must admit that things overwhelmed me in the past few years and I became sluggish and unappreciative. Taking steps to haul myself out of my own doldrums is my priority - and even when those steps needed to be small they still helped me a lot.
I agree that depression can be contagious with repeated exposure. I've been on both the giving and receiving ends. I can relate, as I work long hours also trying to make ends meet and it doesn't leave a lot of time to get out in the world and surround myself with positive people and experiences. That's one of the reasons I come here. I enjoy putting in my 2 cents when I feel like my experience can help someone, but mostly it's because I need to positive reinforcement from the other members. I don't get that in my person to person life because I'm surrounded by A's and I'm the odd one out most of the time. I am trying to learn to be gentle with myself both inside and out. It's hard for me, but I do feel incrementally better the harder I work at it. This is a very supportive community, so keep speaking up and someone will "get it" and relate so you don't feel so alone and isolated. I hope you can find time to indulge in something that brightens your spirits. That's contagious too! The happier you can be - the happier you can be! It has the same cumulative effect as depression.
Thank you, thank you, thank you..... I need so badly to hear other people understand how I feel. And yes....I think its contagious too. At my job I am in direct contact with hundreds of people a day and most of them are negative and complaining....(I'm a bus driver) . so to then come home to depression and financial issues I feel like its swallowing me up. Thank you so much!
I agree it is infectious. I have always been prone to short "bouts" of depression but when living with my A and his deep, endless depression I found myself drowning in it.
Part of it was the sense that our home was some kind of palliative care facility, or a place of mourning. Everything had to be kept quiet, the curtains were always drawn, and any time there was laughter or fun in the house he would come marching down the hall to stamp it out.
Making a concerted effort to bring light, laughter and joy back into my life was its own reward. Simply being positive, cheerful and courteous to the people I met each day (whether they seemed friendly or not) helped. Sometimes rude grumpy people will change instantly when they are greeted with a smile and a friendly word (and sometimes they really do not, lol).
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I am an optimistic person but I must admit that things overwhelmed me in the past few years and I became sluggish and unappreciative. Taking steps to haul myself out of my own doldrums is my priority - and even when those steps needed to be small they still helped me a lot.