The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am dating a guy 16 yrs older than me who has been through AA and sober for 29 yrs. We have talked about his recovery and he has explained to me how they taught him that you have to put yourself first. This is a hard concept for me to understand completely. He admits it seems selfish and he explained that in order to stay sober he has to live his life working at thinking of himself first and how he can keep sober.
But sometimes I feel like that can be an excuse for him maybe not thinking of others and relationships like he should. For example, he was seemingly close to 3 kids that lived next door to him for 2 1/2 yrs. They came over and he always bought candy for them and on Sunday night they would watch TV or one of them in particular liked to play Scrabble with him. Well last week they moved. I thought he would be so depressed about it. He said that he thought it was probably the best thing and he gave several reasons why they wouldn't be taking up his time, etc. He doesn't want to try to keep in contact with them and wouldn't answer the phone when it must have been them that called when I was there. I was really surprised he was acting this way. He also has ptsd so this can affect his behavior also. How can he just 'dismiss' people so easily?
I am just thinking in my relationship with him how he may be starting to put some distance on me. We don't talk on the phone anymore. I just think he might spend so much time trying to 'protect' himself and his feelings. It is hard to explain all of this without writing too much. It just helps just venting some of it.
While both programs promote self first for recovery and serenity, I am not sure that the program can make one selfish. Each of us in recovery has our own path to follow, and both sides suggest making choices that avoid risky behavior, thinking, emotions, actions, reactions.
What I had to realize as I recovered is my values are different than other folks, and how I act & react isn't necessarily the norm by which I should examine others. For instance, I am very close to my family - direct and extended members. My AH is not, and rarely calls, see, talks to them. I do not think this has to do with his disease but rather how they were raised and what they value.
So when someone acts in a manner that doesn't sit 'well' with me, I need to look at me to determine why I am bothered. Others are going to do what they are going to do, and I have no control over that - in or out of the program.
Working my program and keeping the focus on my recovery doesn't give me a ton of time to examine the motives/actions of others. Hope this helps....
Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Don't read too much into it. He may have commitment issues. It may be he has to spin things positive no matter what or stop himself from getting to emotionally riled up for the sake of his sobriety. I dunno. It's his program. You are also the one labeling it selfish. Simple fact: Not everyone is a match for you. Don't blame AA. If you are finding certain qualities of his not a match for you, that is your problem, not his.
AA primarily helps us be sober. It doesn't always make us great people. If you saw him 29 years ago, I bet you would think he was 5 billion times more selfish as an active alcoholic.
Hello cat lover, AA and Al-Anon are both spiritual programs that stress the importance of relying on a power greater than ourselves, living by principles and practicing them in all our affairs. Trying to explain those principles to people that are not in either program is sometimes difficult.
I urge you to search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend. It is here I learned how to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, detach from other people's behavior, and place principles above personalities.
If you are concerned about your relationship with this person , Al-Anon tools will help you, too, increases self-esteem and trust your inner guidance. Keep coming back
You gotten some wonderful responses concerning Alanon and AA. It's a risk to keep showing up in any relationship. Someone could get hurt. On the flipside, someone could get loved, have fun, learn more about another person and themself one day at a time. Your higher power has put this man is on your path for a reason. Time and experience with will reveal what that is. Thanks for sharing. ((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I did start a local Al-Anon meeting about a month ago and find them such a comfort and help. It will make such a big difference in my life to have that group.
Yes I think some of it is commitment issues and trying to protect himself from getting hurt. I do believe we met for a purpose. Our power had been out for about 3 days and we both did something very unusual by eating breakfast at McDonald's. He was making some funny comments behind me in line because there were so many people in there and they were almost out of coffee of all things. Then when I walked by he said I could sit with him if I wanted too. Well it was one of those smaller tables so I sat at the next one instead of across from him. LOL I just don't do that kind of thing with someone I don't know. So we talked over an hour I know. Then we exchanged numbers on a paper napkin. Something I don't think I have ever done. I think it all shook me up that I spilled my water on me. LOL
I really didn't think I would hear from him but he called me that night as I was sitting by the light of my flashlight. That was 15 mos ago. Before that he was living the life of basically a loner for 16 years believing less contact with people would keep his stress down.
So I do know my Higher power put us together. We both have helped each other out. I went through a divorce and he has listened to me about that and other problems I have had. It is only in the last 6 mos or so that his depression has gotten worse. Sometimes I just get concerned and too worried because he does get too depressed. But I know Al-Anon will help me to learn how keep all of that in check and find my inner peace.
And also because of him and a ptsd board I was on I decided to go to Al-Anon. So many great things have happened because of that day.
Thank all of you for your responses!
-- Edited by catlover26 on Saturday 4th of July 2015 12:17:17 PM
"So when someone acts in a manner that doesn't sit 'well' with me, I need to look at me to determine why I am bothered. Others are going to do what they are going to do, and I have no control over that - in or out of the program. "
Yes I think that was the problem. I have thought about it and although it is so upsetting that he would not want to keep in contact with the kids anymore I was thinking also about our relationship. Would it be so easy for him just to end our relationship and go on with no problem or just 'dismiss' me like he is doing them. He has had pain from several relationships so that may be the way he has to handle it.
But we have had several bumps and have worked them out so maybe not. I have come to realize for several reasons it may end up being more like a friendship/ companion relationship and I am thinking I could learn to accept that.
I have one son who has depression and he certainly has peaks and valleys. I tend to want to make it all better and this program has taught me that I can't. What I can do is be honest, and explain that I don't understand about depression and it scares me when he is very down/moody. I then ask as lovingly as possible if there is anything I can do to help. More often than not, he's got no idea but it does let him know that I love and care for him in spite of not understanding that part of his life/disease.
There are situations that make me uncomfortable - silence in meetings, delays in response to questions, etc. I guess I want everyone to be happy in my time-frame and I am not always a super patient person. My life would be a ton easier if everyone just was happy and pleasant all the time.....LOL....but this program has suggested and taught me that I can be - I can choose to be happy and at peace by acting right, doing for me and finding joy and peace within.
I truly think I thought I was responsible for other's happiness before I got here. I certainly accepted the blame when things didn't go as expected. I have come to realize that if I just accept them and love them as they are, I feel better and have more peace.
Hang in there! Keep working your program(s) and so glad you are here!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
