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My ah has relapsed again after 3 months. He went to an 30 day recovery in dec slipped in April and now he has done it again. I haven't told him I know. He has this great job that even paid him to go to rehab and will promote him soon and it is all going to blow up and I get to witness it. I work with him as well and our boss's have been great. I just got back in my feet from a really bad divorce from a pychy ex husband and marry this one and just didn't realize what I was getting into. I have a cushy job awesome house my daughter is so happy and adjusted now with him. He moved out for two weeks before and we got back together why did I do that??? My daughter was so upset, I was so upset. How do u let go of your dreams and your kids dreams when u leave them. One minute I am terrible the next I am the best it never stops. I knew he was drinking because he was slurring his words at 600pm I told I'm I was going to take a shower went into the guest bedroom and saw the bottle. You know the one? The one that confirms your worst nightmare and brings out so much emotion that u can't even cry?? He is going to ruin his life and he can take me with him or I can run but how do I run from a life I really luv? But I have to bc we work in the same place if I leave him everyone knows and I am blamed for destroying his career. Indeed some encouragement, something ..he lives my daughter so much but his negative behavior is already rubbing off on her. Help ?!?
So sorry for the relapse of your ah. This disease is so cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. My best suggestion is to figure out how to stay in the current and work on your program/recovery. In my own recovery, I've come to expect that my A(s) will always have the disease and with that is the risk of relapse. What this program has taught me is to do my best to work my program so that when they crash, I do not.
I hope you can find some face to face meetings and keep coming back here. Breathe and stay present. Trust your HP to guide you through it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Is leaving him your Higher Power's and Sponsor's suggestion or is it what seemed to most of us the only thing to do. I thought it was the only thing to do and then used patience and focusing on my own recovery first which took me 3 years before I made that decision. She got sober a bit later on and we fell in love without any reason to bet married. I came home to Hawaii and she stayed there. I believe it ended best for both of us. Take your time. Go your program first as it makes all the difference in the world. ((((hugs))))
The "why" questions will drive you crazy. I do encourage you to focus on your own recovery and let him figure out his own situation. From my experience figuring out the "what's" ... "what" I want .. "What" is and is not ok for me .. lead me to make the decision to leave and I'm grateful because in my case if nothing changes nothing changes and honestly it was not the drinking it was the infidelity. Reality is why? Because he's an alcoholic. I think people get caught in the romance of the A is sober going to treatment so everything will be fine. Sometimes that is true however that is not always the case. Recovery for me has never been a straight line. I don't expect it is any easier for an A of any kind. The huge roller coaster of emotional ups and downs I couldn't do anymore. I try and keep the 3 ring circus limited to my issues and not solve the3 ring circus that isn't mine to master. The thing I had to get really honest about was the pain of living with active alcoholism was much more than I got emotional fulfillment out of. Hugs ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank u so much for the responses. My calmness came back last night when I got over the initial fear response. I told him we could be friends and just not focus on the intimate stuff like communication he didn't like it but it stopped the fighting. My daughter is leaving Tuesday and I will confront him on his drinking again. Should I or just let it go? I just don't want my daughter to be around. We r camping and the funny thing is last year we came here to and I caught him drinking. I really am in a good mindset not to care what he does and just do my own thing, but when do I have boundaries? How do I set them in place? It hurts but I am ok with it. I need time to think about what I want. thank u everyone for helping me realize it is about me too :)! Much luv to everyone!
This is my personal truth .. I don't confront anyone I believe to be in an altered state of mind. That makes no sense to confront someone who can't have a rational discussion. IF and do I mean IF I have a conversation about my As issues I do not ask questions and I stick to "i" statements and keep it about me and me alone. I feel more comfortable with a temporary separation the drinking is something I'm not willing to have in the house. Never ask if someone had been drinking lol .. That's a total set up for a lie. Honestly it's not fair. I would encourage you to go to a face to face meeting get a s sponsor and start working the steps. My answers apply to my situation and what I learned from it. Others have had a softer way of coming to their own conclusions. Boundaries are about me and my choices. A dating boundary for me and can I get a laugh lol .. I'm not dating .. The guy can't have any DUIs and needs a valid drivers license. That's a boundary I don't have to speak that's about me. Not sure if that makes sense. Some boundaries are shared some are unspoken ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
