The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hugs Mirandac.
I struggle with similar things so, I can't offer anything that helps really.
My ex-husband demanded a divorce 12 years ago now, when our first child was not yet even walking and has made a mission out of being as harmful and spiteful as can be to me ever since. And here I am 12 years later still seething and asking why?
I don't know why and I probably never will and I'd say it's likely he will never be sorry or consider himself at fault in any way so where does that leave me? How do I stop asking why and start truly healing and letting go?
I know that things get better ODAT in al-anon and keeping at it is the first thing that has ever made a difference or given me freedom from needing to know why or seek "justice". You're working at it from the very beginning and that puts you in a very strong position to embrace recovery and be free from the prison of resentment and victimisation. I think you're doing great!!
Together, OK? ODAT.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I think you are doing great ... The human brain wants to know the whys ...and it is extremely difficult not to take your situation personally (because usually the rationalizations are personal even though they are not based in reality).
I think I really started to heal when I realized the whole situation was toxic. I removed the players and realized I would be toxic with anyone in the same situation.
Someone here suggested doing the steps on the abuse ...after I did that it was very healing. Then I did the steps on the affair ... I was holding onto so much shame that was not mine. Sending you love and prayers today. (((((Hugs)))))
Thanks Melly and Truth i just really want to put it to bed.
I know its not about me its about him and i have Forgiven him and myself and handed him over to God to deal With.
Maybe i am wrong thinking trying to figure out the abuse.
Abuse has a life of its own that is what i am afraid of. I do not want to stuff it and pretend its all gone when It is truly festering inside. I suffered trauma and depression because Of it and i still struggle daily.
I was a fairly grounded person before all the really Bad stuff started and i had done therapy due to my mother and family issues before my marriage so i Went in fairly healthy. I had moved away, grew up and changed from a very emotionally unhealthy girl to a responsible woman. I was 28 when i got Married but i still had a very unhealthy mother and Family.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Saturday 27th of June 2015 11:04:59 AM
I love your sharing what worked truth it is such a
Struggle. It is his shame i am holding onto that i
Know does not belong to me but him. He is acting
Full of shame in all his behaviors but can not seem
To help or stop himself.
I still have plenty of house cleaning of my own in
The shame department over my past behaviors when
I was emotionally and morally sick. I have forgiven
Myself but i need to go deeper to really get well.
I keep hoping and praying steps 4-12 will bring me
the relief I need to let it all go.
I've had limited time to spend here lately, and just had to drop in for a moment of relief because my A just hurt my feelings...again. And I know from experience that even if I say "hey, that hurts my feelings" she is likely to twist the knife.
I walked away and immediately started the internal bashing that I wanted to give her, then as quickly as I could switched to the serenity prayer, then decided I'd better jump "on board" to re-center myself.
Your share is the first one I read and is helping me let go, let god.
I suppose the toxicity is presented to us, but we have to ingest it for it to have an effect.
I think what I'm going to do in a few minutes is make an asset list and a gratitude list and try to let go of the pain instead of just absorbing it. The warehouse of hurt is already jam-packed, and I am determined not to cram anything else into it.
Thanks for your share. I hope ((((you)))) can find some peace.
Thank you almost there. I am dragging my feet today Trying to finish up my move and dejunking. I know Its emotionally based problem. I do not want or like any of this. I have to leave my home it does not set Well, even though i agreed To it. We would have had
To sell otherwise and still might have to in two years.
I do trust Gods will for me but that still does not help me Like whats happened. I keep finding the abuse issue crops up constantly in my emotional recovery. I keep Putting it in the back burner till i am stronger and feel Safer to deal with it. I have a D & A therapist i will Get an appt to talk her some more about that subect. We are doing my fourth step together when i can Focus a little better.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Saturday 27th of June 2015 12:42:13 PM
My father was a severe hoarder and when he passed I had to clean out his 4000+ square foot house that he had lived in for 60 years. I moved out 3.6 U.S. tons of paper alone, not to mention 3 times that of old worn-out car parts, worthless junk and gadgets "as seen on TV!". That kinda cured me on collecting stuff. I find de-junking to be a very cathartic process. I have to look at everything and determine if I'm holding onto it because it truly reminds me of something good and meaningful, or because it represents an unrealized hope or dream. Obviously, the latter I get rid off, which opens the door for new hopes and dreams. Good luck! Hope you can forge serenity in your new surroundings.
