The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time here and my first time writing. Father's day was a rough day for me this year. I'm 30 years old, happily married, and far enough away from my hometown. My father is an alcoholic and a drug addict. My mom divorced my father when I was 4 and is married now. My father never did anything for me. No child support. No birthday gifts, cards, or calls. No phone calls. I'm not exaggerating. None. When I got married 8 years ago I offered an olive branch and had him dance with me for the "father/daughter dance." He didn't walk me down the aisle because I wasn't his to give away but I thought I could do the dance for him. I've always felt sorry for him. It must be so sad and lonely in the cave he built. However, my mom still takes care of him - even though she is remarried twice since they were married. On Father's day and his birthday, she'll send me a text to guilt me into reaching out to "poor ol' dad." Even though I don't get calls, cards, or anything on any holidays for the last 30 years. When I look into my heart, I don't have anger, resentment, or even unforgiveness. I just don't feel like I owe him anything. He's like a distant uncle or some other peripheral relative. I care about him and feel sorry for him but what would I even say on Father's day or any other day?
The guilt has really gotten to me and I can't tell if its the kind of guilt I should have or if its the kind of guilt that I inherited from my mom - the care taker of the world. I consider myself a healthy emotional person, as long as I don't have regular contact with my family of origin. The family and life I created for myself is peaceful, loving, and not at all chaotic like my childhood. I just feel like its an invasion when I get this text out of the blue "It's Father's Day. Call your dad. After all God picked him out for you." Ugh... what am I supposed to do with that??
I know you can't possibly know me from a few sentences about my life but any thoughts, encouragement, and support you could offer - I sure would appreciate it.
I am glad you found this site and opened up, that takes a lot of courage! I am new to this site but not to Alanon. Alanon has helped me with my shame, guild, resentments, ego, and taught me how to live life on life's terms. How to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. The recovery journey is very personal but we are all bonded with the thread of alcoholism. Before alanon I use do what I was told or guilted into, my self esteem was poor and I was scared to disappoint people. But because of alanon today, I know who I am, I can say no when I want to say no and yes when I want to say yes... I dont have to have expectations of people places or things... I can have love and compassion for others but not sacrifice myself. Glad you are here, keep coming back... the answers are in the program!
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you are here.
Families come in all shapes, sizes, styles and each has their own dysfunction. Some are healthier than others, but we are dealt what we are dealt.
I applaud you for taking charge and having a life and family removed from your family chaos (of origin). It takes courage to move on and away from that which we grew up with.
The Al-Anon program gives us a set of tools to deal with life on life's terms for anybody affected by the disease of alcoholism. Alcoholism is a family disease, and it is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. The steps we use, the literature we share and the fellowship help us know how to handle situations that used to baffle us or upset us.
Al-Anon has the 3 C(s) - We didn't cause it, We can't control it and We can't cure it. These help us know it's beyond our scope of influence. Stick around and see if it's for you. It's hard to understand how this disease could affect someone (you) who have been so removed, but if you love your mother and she's close to it - it can reach you as well.
Again, so glad you're here! HTH!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Al Anon will definitely help you with that guilt. Sounds like you aren't really very plagued with it, but believe me, the program is good enough to justify going just to get other benefits as well.
As Freekat mentioned, one of the best things for me that Al Anon teaches is to say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean. That could guide you in a response to your mom's guilt texts.
