2 years ago, when I was just new here, I wrote a post about how I was isolated and socially kind of phobic. I had an on-line friend (I used to play online computer games a lot) from interstate who was going to coming near me on his way to a wedding and had decided to come and meet me (with his wife). And I was so nervous I almost had a nervous breakdown and then afterwards I was all happy because it went well and I felt I had gotten over a hurdle by doing something that made me so nervous. And they were such lovely people and it was a really nice feeling to turn an "online" friend into a "real life" friend.

OK so about 2 weeks ago I was complaining here (and everywhere else too, lol) that I haven't been on any kind of holiday for more than 13 years. Aside from a couple of weekends at my mother's beach-house it's been no-holidays-for-poor-old-Melly-since-forever. And I decided I was going to take my daughter to a nerd convention that she wants to go to next year, mostly just because her dad takes her to do all of the fun stuff and I figured this thing is only a state away and it will be pretty easy to save for, plus we will both enjoy it as we are giant nerd girls.

So here I am 2 weeks later and lo and behold, said friend from interstate wants to accompany us to said convention AND he insists we stay with he, his wife, their adult children and their small army of rescued felines. So I need only save an airfare and ticket prices and I guess take my hosts out for a meal while we are there. That sounds kinda like a holiday to me! I'm excited. I anticipate we'll only be there for a few days but it's an adventure and a lot further from home tha I've ventured in many years. Plus I get to meet the rest of the family (I know some of his sons online but not in real life) So, yippee! New people, new experiences. 

And now on top of that, I am being taking on a tropical vacation with my mother next year. In my usual style I was hesitant about it at first and now I am just no-holds-barred jumping out of my seat excited. Because, why not? She wouldn't take me if she didn't want to and that's a certainty. 

I've been looking at a lot of stuff upside down this week.

I spend a lot of time thinking about everything I haven't achieved and I don't have and I think that's OK, because it hasn't been all that great this last decade or so. It's been pretty below average really. I feel inferior being the only member of my family with no husband, renting a horrible house, limited money etc.  But I can look at it in a whole other way.

Like, I am the only adult in my life that I am accountable to. After 2 decade long pretty dreadful relationships, that's very liberating. I have a wonderful child and as the only parent that supports and does for her, I really don't have to worry about another adult disagreeing with my choices. That's a nice freedom too. Oh, her father can carry on as much as he likes but at the end of the day what can he do? Nothing. He left us to fend for ourselves and now, we can and will do exactly that. I'm absolutely ploughing through my studies. I'm solving health problems I've been pretending to ignore for years and years. No-one questions me, no-one can make me doubt my choices or feel selfish for persuing what I know is right for myself and child. It's pretty excellent when you look at it like that. 

So I guess, as they say, recovery is an upward spiral. I knew this recently when I was down in the dumps; I did say to myself "hey, you're just in the downswing of another spiral" and I think that's just how it works for me; the OK's get better and the bads get less bad with each turn of the wheel. 

Now the last thing i feel positive about is the one I need to be super careful about.

As I've shared before, Abf still says he wants to get back together and is willing to accept that we have to live apart "for a few years" "while we work on ourselves". But he has been doing well and that's nice to see. I haven't seen him now for 8 weeks aside from a 10 minute fly-by and during that time he's been doing a construction labourer course, (I learned today that he hasn't missed a single day which is great, and unprecedented for him as far as I know) and he has also been repaying me money each fortnight without any complaints. I haven't even had to ask; he's paid me back $300 already which is very jolly. 

So in 2 weeks we both turn 39 (On the same day. Coincidentally we met just before our 30th birthday and celebrated that together. So the shared birthday has always been a big deal between us (although there were many years where it ended with me crying hopelessly all day and he apologising day later and saying "I'm not good around birthdays" which would be a slight understatement...)

Anyway this year he wants to do something "proper" and I have agreed to go to a dinner-theatre type thing with him which really does sound like fun. Then afterwards to the nightclub upstairs which will be fun until it isn't and I will leave him there alone and take myself back to his brother's house nearbye where I will spend the night and he can make his way back later, or spend the night in the lock-up, or whatever. I'm not fussed about that part. I do know that in the past when he is nervous or excited about something he ends up getting explosively drunk. But then again he has surprised me lately in a lot of ways. So as long as I have clued in his brother to let me in when I get back and I have a cab-fare, I'm not going to worry about how the night ends or place any expectations on it. I'm just looking forward to dinner and a show, an excuse to get dressed up and, irrespective of all we have been through, celebrating our 9th birthday together. The rest will happen the way it happens and if I make plans to go out to a licensed venue with an active alcoholic then I need to leave my expectations at the door.

So I am also a little forward-looking to this occasion, but mindful of how very deeply I could wound myself by getting too excited or developing expectations.

Still, some fun things on the horizon for me and lots of reasons to be grateful today