The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I stopped enabling my adult son (30) almost a year ago - it was mainly financial support - occasional rent checks, occasional car insurance, paying the occasional traffic tickets, occasional groceries, occasional utility bills, etc., etc., etc. - of course, I had been doing it with all good intentions and the hope that he'd "see the light" - he didn't see the light, and finally, my HP gave me the strength to do what I should have done so long ago - I finally found the strength to tell him, with much love and sincerity, that what I had been doing was not good for either of us, but was especially damaging for him - I told him that I loved him and I believed in him, and that he could and should be solving his own problems - and I stopped enabling him.
Our relationship has been strained and limited since then - when I send him an occasional short text with an "I love you", an "I love you" always comes back, but that's about it - I haven't seen him him face-to-face in about two years now, we rarely talk, and he seems chronically depressed whenever we do talk - I am trying to stay out of my HP's way and have faith and hope - so far I've been successful, but it's been a daily battle for me. Sometimes, it seems like I spend all my time in Al Anon meetings.
I know that my enabling behavior was in the past and that it's a good thing that it's over and that I'm no longer doing what I shouldn't have done, but I am almost constantly haunted by the fact that I was responsible for him not hitting bottom sooner or whatever is \ was supposed to happen to him, if I hadn't enabled him for so long - I feel like I only prolonged his suffering - I'm not sure that apologizing for my behavior, or making an amends to him, would cover it for me - any suggestions? I know that him getting better is a decision that he has to make - I know about the three Cs - but I can't shake the guilt - am I carrying this guilt unnecessarily?
I do understand your pain and guilt - I've been there and it's a painful place to be. When the pain got get enough, I really pushed myself to work the steps with a sponsor hoping to get to the other side. In doing what this program teaches us and doing a ton of processing, I have finally accepting that they (2 A sons) are exactly where they are supposed to be, and the same with me.
I don't carry that any longer, I have found peace - still get sad at times, but am able to talk it out and I am usually not living in the moment.
My best suggestion is to keep doing what you are doing - meetings, steps, etc. and find a sponsor to bounce things off of. I was one who needed a ton of convincing that it was not my fault and they made their own choices and ....
I do believe your guilt is unwarranted - you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. I offer you prayers and (((hugs))) as you continue your journey, and I will add you and your son to my prayer list.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Texas Yankee, I agree with. I am here, you did the best with what you knew at the time and when you learned new and better tools you used them.
It looks as if you did a fourth through 10th step on your enabling behavior. I see that you have owned it and shared with others. and now it is time to ask HP to remove the unnecessary guilt that you are feeling.
Step eight and nine suggests that we make amends for any behavior that we find may have hurt others. These amends can take the form of changing our behavior and you have done just that.
Final thought on this issue is that HP is in control and we are powerless over people places and things.Forgive yourself
Prayers and positive thoughts on the way
Thanks so much, Iamhere and hotrod - funny that you mentioned "When the pain got get enough, I really pushed myself to work the steps with a sponsor hoping to get to the other side" - I've treated Al Anon like a buffet - talking what I liked and leaving the rest - but some if it, a fourth step, for example, seems to be a critical, indispensable part of the process if we are to get better - I've reached out to a new sponsor for help working the steps, especially Step 4.
-- Edited by texas yankee on Sunday 21st of June 2015 10:05:29 PM
Aloha TY great post...this was one lesson phase for me that came with spiritual jolts. "I did the best I could with what I knew then" was a jolt and then another jolt as it came with more support "If you had known better you would have done better". Yes at first I had some denial with that because of some perfectionistic personality and self centeredness and egotism and then the definition of alcoholism set me straight especially that part of it that speaks to "the family" We are well intentioned and the disease uses all well intentions it can get its hands on. So Guilt? because I knew and did the wrong thing or Guilt because I wasn't perfect? For me it was the perfectionism thing and that went away when I learned the 2nd and 3rd steps. I was not and am still not God...I know more now and still not everything. Can I still be had by alcoholism? same answer as do I love Cherry Beaudeaux Chocolate ice cream....YES SIR!! and then...not as often. Our program is not about perfection...we are about progress and wanting to have it every day. Keep coming back you are family. ((((hugs))))
A lot of my guilt comes from, I think, that I KNEW that I should have detached but I just couldn't do it - I just wasn't strong enough - until my HP showed me that NOTHING I had done for over 10 years had made one bit of difference in my son's situation - better late than never, sure, and that realization gave me the strength to do what I needed to do - but I still feel like I prolonged my son's pain by not detaching sooner.
Children are a far different animal to deal with than spouses or other extended family members .. as a mother I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve so when things happen to them good or bad I feel it as strongly as if it happened to me even though it didn't.
I'm constantly saying to new alanon members who have active addict children ... once a child hits the ages of 18 - 24 as a parent I have done everything I can, .. I will have made mistakes some of which can be rectified by my behavior changes and some which I can't take back and the best I can do is forgive myself and move forward, as previously mentioned working the steps with a sponsor. After these ages their choices their responsibilities. It is hard enough to allow kids to fly let alone know a wing is broken and send them out anyway. I really hope you can find some peace knowing you are doing things differently and from the sounds of it keeping an open line of communication open.
Self forgiveness is a hard thing when it comes to the would have, could have, should have's .. sometimes it's just best to stay in what is and deal with it that way.
Hugs S:)
Glad you are here :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Kudos to you, first of all, for stopping the enabling behavior. I truly
believe that is a step in the right direction.
I like what SerenityRUS said about the "wouldas, couldas, shouldas."
As viewed through the eyes of retrospect (hindsight), nothing is ever
going to be perfect. For that reason, I love her suggestion to stay in
the present.
As a former adolescent therapist I came to understand that when the child reached their "social" age where they were allowed contact with others their age then parenting became dicey. They traded other thoughts, feelings and behaviors with peers outside of the family and became influenced and influencial outside of the family paradigm. They became different and often different in ways which were outside of the family structure That age was 13 or so and they would take and accept personal power which often was insane. Some of my clients would step out and practice their power without even a hint of how dangerous it was and would be for them and while the parent cried over it wishing it wasn't happening or there was something they could say or do to stop it from happening it was I who exercised my own power and the whole situation would change...mostly for the better.
To continue to think you would have or did have the power in the face of the first step; both parts of it, suggest more practice of acceptance of the situation for exactly what it is and was. That your Higher Power has shown you relief from the guilt along with the rest of the program and the guilt still lingering lets me see again where I was when I was going thru the problem. I had old blaming voices from when the disease raged that I had to believe or be punished if I rejected them that were still with me. I finally sent them away for good. Accepting unreasonable guilt is a choice still; a bad one. In support (((((hugs)))))
If what you had done, you did to a "normal" child, would it have been so-called enabling..... (I hate that word. It is as if you intentionally went out to hurt them.) But would a normal child have acted or reacted the same way as your addicted child acted or reacted? You are responding from a place of love in your heart when you let a child stay at home to save money, or if you help pay some of their bills because they can't this month. You didn't intentionally set out to manipulate or force them to remain children. They refused to grow up and fix their own messes out of their own choices. A normal child would have made the changes in their life to become independent of your help.
Please don't say you enabled them. You were acting out of love. AlAnon has shown you the tough love that you need with an addicted person.
