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I actually felt I was a good mother. I was a stay at home mom who "lived" for her 4 children (spaced 5 years apart so i ciuld give each "his" time in his early years. While I was by no means perfect, I spent my years caring for them, reading to them, making art projects with them, taking them to libraries, museums, sports they wanted to participate in, lessons they wanted. If they wanted to take an instrument, we got it and paid for leassons.
I grew up with corporal punishment in the 1950's (the norm in that period). However, when I majored in child development, and then got a degree in counseling, I learned better ways to discipline and tried to predominantly use those methods (but confess I lost my temper skmetimes when I had children fighting with each other, I know that they occasionally got a spanking, I yelled more than I should have, I was impatient when I should have been patient, etc.)
Our son (now age 30) at age 13 wanted to play golf, he got clubs, lessons, sessions with sports psychologist to help him improve his game, tournamengt entry fees, a car to drive to his practices, etc . By the way, we were very middle class. These were provided to him because we as parents wanted to help our children achieve their potential. College was paid for (he was arrested for dealing drugs at age 20 while in college, and we bailed him out, paid for rehab and he finished college) except for a $5000 school loan he had to take out to
Hi Ignuth I can so identify with having those charges leveled at me and can understand your confusion and pain.
I love how you honestly validated your perception of how you mothered your children and I can concur that you were an excellent mom who loved your children and looked for the best in them and for them.
I would like to remind you, as I was reminded that, we are dealing with the disease of alcoholism. We also must remember that alcoholism is a cunning baffling and powerful disease that distorts reality so that it can exist in the fantasy world of denial and pretend. The disease wants to justify its existence by blaming others.
I know when I was faced with the same accusation, I validated my perception and then pointed out that when I entered Al-Anon and developed new tools to live by, I did better and was sorry for any mistakes I hadmade. This opened the door to very productive conversation.
I must admit I then asked him to explain why he felt I was a bad mother and his answer surprised me. One of the things was that I told him there was a Santa Claus and that was a lie, and the second was I did not tell him he was Irish and when he was six and they asked in school who was Irish, he said. "What's Irish" and everybody laughed. There was a few others similar incidences that I listened to smiling inwardly and understood his pain
Boy, that's a tough one. I'm sorry he is hurting your feelings like that. It sounds as if you were a very good parent. I don't have any idea what you should do, but I'm curious as to what the response and outcome might be if you were to look him in the eye and sincerely apologize for anything you ever did that he felt fell short of proper parenting. I'm not saying in any way that you OWE him that, but what would be the harm in doing it? It would certainly disarm him if he's clinging to that as an excuse for his behavior and ultimately wouldn't actually cost you anything.
Again, I'm not saying you OWE it to him or that I could muster it in your situation, but I'm curious.
It sounds like you definitely did the best tat you could and better than many, so I wouldn't take on any guilt from that. I like to say to people that I did the very best I could at the time knowing what I did, and well that is the truth. It isn't easy being a parent and none of us are perfect, but if you raised your children and taught them everything you could, well the rest is up to them, it even sounds like you were able to do a lot more as far as cars, lessons, and college, so he was very lucky, but doesn't see it as of yet and for that I am sorry. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I also have 2 sons who are As. Each has told me at various points that I was a horrible mother and they use/addiction was all my fault.
I took it personally when I first heard it and it was a smack in the heart for sure. What I came to realize with the help of Al-Anon, the steps, other program friends and a good sponsor is that the disease does distort thinking on both sides of the fence and I was responsible for my side only.
I did as AlmostThere suggests, and they both refused the apology as it was 'too general'.....so I also asked for details, and got nothing back. So, I went back to the standard I love you and did the best I knew at the time. I then have apologized as needed during the working of the steps. They are good boys - just sick so I do all that I can to keep my side of the street clean and love them unconditionally.
The program has helped me establish and communicate healthy boundaries which - for now - are working well.
So sorry for your pain - I remember it all too well.
They may be adults in the legal world, but my boys are both immature to this day. I keep hold of hope and trust my HP to heal us all.
So glad you are here and sending you (((Hugs))).
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What happened to me as a child may have been the fault of my mother, or father, or siblings; but what I do now as an adult, that's MY fault/responsibility. I could cling to those childhood injuries and brandish them to excuse bad or self-abusive behavior, use them to berate and manipulate those around me, blame mom, blame dad, blame God - but part of being an adult is growing up and taking responsibility for now and going forward.
According to my ex he had a terrible mother; he blames everyone around him for everything wrong in his life; this absolves him of having to take responsibility for his life and actions. Its easy to blame others. She's not a terrible person, I knew her before I knew him!
All we can do IF we think an apology is warranted, is offer it; if the intended doesn't accept the apology, we can't make them. I'd have a hard time accepting that the mistakes I made as a parent would put me in the "terrible mother" category.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I agree with Hotrod, sound like you were an excellent Mother. I dont really listen to nonsense like this. I would politely tell him, Im sorry you feel this way son.' End of!! For me this is a manipulation tactic to get what he wants which might be to upset you or blame you or whatever else takes the heat off his own disease. Look at him with sick on his forehead and his words dont have any real meaning behind them.x
It's a cop out. Been there, done that. It's easier to say you have a crappy mom than to admit you've been a dissapointing son. I believe the defense mechanism is formally called "projection."
PS - The reason you get this is also because you are the one he feels most awful for being a disappointment to (not saying you ever even said anything to indicate he was a disappointment). BUT - me knowing I was a disappointment to my parents even though they never said so directly...that was more than my ego could handle. So I turned on them and played victim. I accused them of favoring my sisters and being smothering and havinf all sorts of mental issues of thier own that messed me up. Upon getting sober, I knew where my biggest amends lied...to my poor parents.
I raised 3 sons, one of them gave me grief for 15 yrs with his drinking and drugging, it was scary and I mourned the loss of this young curious, innocent young boy I knew to his bad decisions. I joined Al-Anon and studied hard and reached a place where I could tell him "I was not the best mother, but I did the best I could with what I knew and how I was raised, and I am sorry. But this is a new day we have a chance to forgive each other and move on", or stay stuck in anger, its your choice. This had to be said so he knew exactly where I stood. It was not easy to say, it took guts. I gave him a date to find a job and move out on his own. He picked himself up and got himself together, he knew I was no longer going to enable him. It was sink or swim. Yes it was scary, but it worked. Faith in my HP was strong in me, and the program was the way to a better life. linsc
I beat my kids to the accusation stages by doing an amends with each and every one of them after a through inventory. I didn't do it to one up them I did it because there were times and things when and where I did the wrong stuff for the wrong reason. Yes the atmosphere was toxic and I didn't know it and didn't know that I didn't know and also didn't know how to be nontoxic. We had good times also for sure and the ones that did the hurt were not the good times. Any how I took care of it as suggested by the program and my sponsor and HP and it came out better than expected. I didn't hide from any other concerns they had either. If they had one we addressed it up front and immediately. Terrible might be his description and he might be wrong with that word. He gets to see it as he sees it which doesn't make his perception right on. Be gentle with yourself cause sometimes you're all your got. In support (((((hugs)))))
Parenting doesn't come with a handbook regardless of what is the latest parenting fad out there .. Dr Spock I believe did more damage than good to the kids of my generation. There is no gold star and I don't care how old children get they are never out of the woods in terms of bad things happen just because there is no life is fair clause anywhere .. or I missed mine when my higher power created me .. lol.
At what point is a child an adult? I relate so well to what Pink has shared in terms of when I am in a place of fear I lash out at my mom. It is so much easier to blame, shame and guilt someone else than accept that I need/ed to change still working on that one big time. Did my mom make some craptastic decisions and choices .. absolutely and my dysfunctional distorted thinking led the way to some wonderful things I'm dealing with now .. (there is sarcasm attached towards myself on that one .. lol). Reality is after a certain age I have to become accountable for my own choices and decisions .. I didn't get the parents I deserved .. boo hoo .. I did get the parents I needed to help me survive some of the life lessons I have had to deal with and I have spent a lot of money and time trying to undo my distorted thinking and drop some of these character defects.
If I call my mom a rock does that make it true?? Only if she is buying what I am selling and that is on her for doing that and honestly shame on me for even going there. Nothing can change the past the best I have is to keep moving forward in a more positive and productive way .. now I say all of this and I'm gearing up for a quick trip and I'm stressing over the amount of therapy it will require for the kids when they come back .. LOL.
Anyway, big hugs .. children have a way of really pushing our buttons. My daughter made a comment to me today about how she dressed in the 4th grade (apparently I dressed her like an old lady .. lol) .. my response .. good thing you are no longer in the 4th grade AND isn't it nice you didn't look like a hoochie mama at that age. She doesn't now either .. point is .. sorry little girls should look like little girls .. not little girls trying to be so much older than they are.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I don't really see you talking much about your interactions with your son, more about your ability to provide for his personal growth and education.
I can tell you that my mother provided all she could monetarily to me, but that matters significantly less on a grand scale than her behavior, her discipline, her bouts of abusive behavior, her anxiety, the inconsistency, and her control that she laid on me. That kind of stuff, especially in teenagers, does tremendous damage. I struggle with it every day, and to a degree (despite the fact that she was not the alcoholic parent), it did permanent damage to our relationship.
But you can't apologize if you don't think you need to be forgiven for your actions. I guess just inventory your behaviors and ask him more with a genuine openness why he thinks you've been a terrible mother to him. You may not understand it at first, but you instead should think about it and work on an inventory based on his template; I think.
I read this post last last night and pondered it and then thought of this post this evening when I was arguing with my child. My daughter was blaming me for some really unfair stuff and I became angry and pulled away from her. So she threw her arms around me and said "I'm sorry mum" and I was still angry so I hugged her back but without a lot of conviction because I was still mad and hurt by her words and a bit worn out with her mood-swings and apologies.. I didn't really want to hug her right then and there. And I remembered one of the defining moments where I "came to understand" that my mother didn't love me. My mother wasn't a physically expressive or emotional person. She didn't ever hug or say "I love you". So one night when I was maybe 15 and she was yelling at me I tried to hug her for the first time in our relationship and she pushed me away horrified and stormed away. I'm 38 now and I've carried that around with me for all of these years as proof that "my mother didn't love me". (Because the one time I tried to hug her she pushed me away). I moved out of home a few weeks later and we've only really become close again in the past few years.
Tonight it suddenly occurred to me that maybe that wasn't the reason. Betty explains some ripper reasons why her son felt he wasn't loved and that's what I thought of. I bet if I told my mum now what I have been so hurt about all of these years she wouldn't even remember and I understand now that my mother's lack of physical contact or loving words was about her and her own difficulties with expressing love and nothing to do with whether or not she loved me.
So recently I was talking to her about the difficulties I have with my child and my mother said "that's how it was with you, Melissa, I tried so hard but you never saw what I was sacrificing, you just always saw me as a mean B****""" and I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing. Then she said "and then you just left me when you were still a baby, you didn't want me as a mother and there was nothing I could do". I'd honestly never considered that I had hurt her, or that she had wanted me around.
Anyway I'm absolutely not saying you should apologise for being a terrible mother, of course not! But at the same time maybe it's worth finding out why, in case it's some ridiculous misinterpretation he's been carrying around for a long time. Sometimes people just get it wrong, and at least if you have specifics you can speak your truth and then if he want to continue to blame and point fingers you will know that you have addressed his concerns and been loving about it.
It's funny, when I read this post yesterday I was thinking "oh no, how ridiculous, how MEAN for him to tell you that you were a terrible mother" and then tonight I had that moment with my daughter that reminded me of how hurt I felt by my own mother for so many years and now I think, hey, if my daughter says this in years to come I hope I remember and just stop and ask her why, just in case we've really misunderstood something and it's a relief to both of us to work it out?
-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 22nd of June 2015 01:11:03 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
