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Hello everyone, I need advice on a situation with my ds and XAH. My ds will have 2 more years of high school to finish, after being homeschooled for the past 16 years. I have been working full time and that means my XAH has had to step up and handle a lot more of ds' schedule. For now, things are tolerable but we are fighting over what we're going to do for ds for school for the next 2 years.
I had originally signed my ds up for a K-12 online school program and thought I had it all figured out. Well, my ds came to me 2 weeks ago and said he wanted more social opportunities, didn't really say he specifically wanted to go to school, but did express concerns about being home alone all day long alone while I was at work. He mentioned that he was afraid of being overwhelmed by the classes and by the campus (it's a VERY large school). He has been with a math tutor for over a year now and they are telling me that he's still probably only ready for pre-algebra despite the 4 hours a week he's been spending with them for the last year. Sigh....
My XAH wants to put him in school. I am hesitant to do so because I know that ds has been through so much change already. I wanted to put him in a homeschool co-op which meets on Mondays and Thursdays and I could assign other classwork for ds to do on the days off along with his assignments from co-op. He could take lab chemistry, a writing class, and history there among other classes. The problem is that ds isn't driving yet and he would need my XAH to drive him there periodically. I do have a friend whose children attend this co-op and I talked to her about helping with ds and she said they would if we could schedule things properly.
Unfortunately, ds has told me that XAH is balking at helping him get anywhere (despite the fact that XAH works from home and has a VERY loose schedule). He told ds that, "I can't help you with your schoolwork, I have too much work to do during the day, etc." Ds told me that his dad doesn't get up until 10 AM most days and that he only works in his office for 2-3 hours a day, which I already knew, but this just looks like a way for my XAH to get to me and for him to avoid responsibility. He has been unresponsive and uncommunicative with me about EVERYTHING. I've gotten no response from him on most of my emails or text messages and he won't pick up the phone when I call.
Our divorce was finalized last week and XAH has yet to pay me my first installment of spousal support, which was due back on the 1st. I saw this coming. I knew he would be difficult. But, I feel like I'm losing my child because of what my X tells him and puts into his head. XAH blames me for everything and tells ds that we all wouldn't be in this situation had his mother (me) not chosen to divorce him. So, it's all my fault that we're both struggling financially and that ds might have to go to school and not be homeschooled anymore and that he has to spend more time with his dad....blah blah blah......UGH.
I'm so worked up today. Very upset. I know I needed to get out of that marriage. I know that it was so very toxic. I just wish I could quit my job and continue homeschooling but I can't afford to do that for 2 years. I need the work experience and I need the income and health insurance. I'm so very depressed today. I know it won't last but I just don't know what to do.......
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I wonder if your school offers partial enrollment or dual enrollment; we lived in Iowa and the schools gave us that option. I know a kid who chose home-school for a few years then made the choice to return to public school because he was older and better able to handle the social aspect after being away. When I was growing up my parents made all my choices for me up to when I finally got out from under their thumbs and was on my own, I lacked the skills necessary to make choices for myself and I sometimes still have a hard time with decisions today.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
(((andromedia))) - hugs to you. So very sorry for the stress you are feeling today, my best suggestion is that you breathe, breathe and breathe again.
Then, trust God and work your program. You do not need to decide today which is a gift, for just today, work on what matters.
I believe the answers will come if you find your peace again and then look at the options through what is the next best step. It is when I am pressured by outside influences that I make emotional decisions vs. fact based decisions.
I don't see a right/wrong answer here. I see positive choices all around. Take time for you today and listen for the voice of reason within.
We are here - just a post away!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Prayers and positive thoughts on the way As IAMHERE states, there is an answer. Pray about it and a new road will become clear--it does sound as if your son is open to the idea of attending class in school so that is a positive. Remember that we are powerless over people, places and things and that prayer works. Keep on showing up for your job and your life
I am sorry you are stessed. Keep your head up and weigh your options with your son and communicate what is best for the two of you, your exAh is going to say blah, blah, blah, what are you gonna do? Sending you lots of love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Breakingfree.....yes, I do hear a lot of blah blah blah through his silence. Most all of it comes through my son and the communication I receive from him. I have been in tears every day just trying to figure out what's right and what's wrong for him. The move, the divorce, our changed financial situations, me going back to work, etc have been a huge stressor for all of us and I know my son is struggling to make heads or tails of everything.
I just have to believe that HP's plan is perfect and I am really struggling to find peace today.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Bonnie, I think he might need to go to a school with a campus. It is prime time. He won't be able to handle college or the workplace otherwise. It will be challenging to watch and it will spike his anxiety and make his tics increase for a period. It's going to be challenging...no doubt. Your son can't use anxiety and his tourettes as an excuse to not do things he's scared of. You can't protect him from everything and it's not going to always be in his best interest to try. I know it's a bit more complicated than this but, at some point your son may need to be pushed a bit. He might fail and have to go back to home school or something else, but he may need to try.
His father? Well you know saying about going to the hardware store for bread? He's a bread store. He makes bread and is serving you up more of it every chance he gets. Not surprising and not worth tossing your serenity away over.
Bonnie big hugs and breathe .. My experience with my xah as you well know everything is a fight. I would suggest you get your money direct deposit. As I explained to the current wife I do not care what their financial state is honestly not my business. My business is raising my children. As far as the school I'm in sherbet with your ds he needs structured social things. He's going to have to learn to deal real world life skills regardless of anxiety or he's going to flounder in life. At least right now he's at home and you can help him by supporting him emotionally. Pray pray and pray some more.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Andromeda, are there other parents of children in your son's situation? They may provide you with ESH on what he will experience. You have done so well to reach out.
Prayers for you and your son. You can do this.
