The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We have just recently found out that our 40 year old son has a "drinking problem." He was raised in a very religious home with absolutely no history of even drinking alcohol, so this was pretty shocking to us and we don't have a clue how to help him. He has lived in another state for a number of years and apparently was in enough control that when the family got together he didn't drink in our presence. I think that his drinking became out of control just recently and it seems to be getting much worse very quickly. He's attended a few AA meetings but is in denial, thinking that he doesn't need AA, and yet this week he's been drunk every night. He will occasionally talk to a sibling, or us very upset and drunk because of a failed relationship that lasted only 6 weeks...his reaction to this break-up seems to be so over-reacting, I can only think that it's the alcohol which he is using so he can "stop thinking about her." He's so lonely, has lost friends, and was kicked out of the house owned by a friend because of his drinking. It's just a matter of time before he loses his job I fear. But what I fear most is that he will drink and drive and hurt someone else. His family wants to help him desperately, but we know that we can't help him until he wants to help himself. We are worried sick about him and just don't know what to do. Your help would be appreciated.
Good morning sweetie and welcome to MIP. So very sorry about your situation, but glad you found us.
Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive disease. For those of us who love an alcoholic, we too become affected by their choices and their ever changing attitudes & behaviors. I see that you already realize that helping is fruitless until/unless they are wanting help.
Recovery is a personal journey that is difficult yet rewarding. Al-Anon helps family members and friends of alcoholics find peace and serenity in spite of what is going on around them. If you can, find and attend local face-to-face (F2F) meetings where you will find others with similar situations. We work a recovery program through meetings, literature, steps and slogans that help us find peace during trying times.
So glad you are here. Positive thoughts and prayers headed your way! (((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome to MIP Sweetie, I'm so sorry to read of your sons, developing alcoholism. It is indeed a cunning and baffling disease over which we are powerless.
It's obvious that you are aware that this is his personal journey and that AA is a recovery program for him. Being concerned, like most of us with the adverse effects that this disease causes, is quite normal and I found wonderful support from like-minded people in Al-Anon face-to-face meetings. These meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is listed in the white pages of the phone book.
Is in Al-Anon I was given new tools to live by and a supportive community, who understood as no one else could , the fear ,the anxiety and sadness that I lived with. Breaking the isolation caused by the disease, living one day that, staying in the moment and not predicting the future or living in the past, helped me tremendously.
You are not alone
Good for you for reaching out. Alcoholism doesn't discriminate, its a disease that can affect anyone regardless of their upbringing. So its not your fault. I suggest going to Alanon meetings in your area, look it up on the website. Learning as much as I could about the disease helped me know what to do and to be honest its mostly doing nothing but allowing the natural and right consequences to come to the drinker. Its hard to watch but the alternative, fixing, rescuing is life threatening for them. Keep coming back your not alone.x
Welcome. I'm sorry that your family is going through this. It is shocking and scary and destabalizing to say the least. Here though, you will find many mothers who have walked this road and have come out on the other side with strength, dignity and hope. It will feel like a roller coaster in the beginning - but just hang on, and keep coming back. Go to a meeting, do some readings, post here, read here do whatever you need to do to get through this first stage. Lean in - there are some big strong shoulders here who will listen and be supportive. Now, they may not give "advice" and they may not always provide the answer... but that's ok, because HP will and it's probably already inside you even now.
Aloha Sweetie and welcome to the board. When I first arrived in Al-Anon I was told to listen to the similarities between my story and the stories of the others so that I could get out of denial. Yes we go thru denial also. And so I did and today yours is another story I am familiar with. It, "the what happened", comes with the "what did I learn" by listening with an open mind which brought me to the "What do I do now" process of recovery. Simply I learned how to love unconditionally with the attitude of "and no drugs and alcohol" as a constant unyielding boundary. If they drink I still love them and we stay separated. We get to have conditions of what is in and out of our lives and those who bring the "what's" around. My eldest son at almost 50 Years of age has recently relapsed and blew up his life and surroundings and when he did he found out that the boundary is as in tact as it was when he was in his twenties and first heard it. I am the one that introduced him to alcohol at a very very young age. I use to let him drink with me and then I found recovery and told him I was wrong about alcohol and drinking and the alcoholic way of life. He didn't like what he heard and then I was still available only not with alcohol involved. He and I enjoyed sobriety for a long while and then I continued while he stopped and relapsed. The boundary is still in place even as the love is and he has broken off contact because he knows the boundary. There is a God and I am not it so that is where my son has been placed today...in the hands of my Higher Power...God. Keep coming back. This is the learning family as are the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Look for the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book and come sit with us. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you so much to all of you for taking the time to share your encouragement and stories. I fear that my son is drinking himself into oblivion and will die very soon. My heart is telling me that doing nothing is wrong, but my head tells me that doing "something" will only save his life for a short time because I know he's not ready to change his life. His constant calls to either my daughter or me are making us both crazy. This is so sad.
Sweetie, I do so understand this dilemma. I too had a son who traveled this painful road. I found that not answering the calls and letting them go to phone mail helped to save my sanity. I did advise him that I was going to do this and it worked for me.
I also discovered that the most powerful action that I could take on his behalf was to pray constantly. This not only helped to reduce my anxiety but also sent out positive energy .
Alanon meetings also helped because they reminded me that I was powerless over this disease and that HP was in control.
Thanks for taking the time to post! I'm very sorry to hear about your
situation.
I'm relatively new to the program but one thing I know is that we can't
make someone else change (Step 1, I believe). From your post it
sounds like you know this already. In the meantime, you can focus on
yourself and keep yourself healthy. I love Betty's suggestion about
praying (or meditating) to help yourself AND send positive energy
his way.
I highly recommend _How Al-Anon Works_. I've read it twice in the
last year and I'm about to read it a third time. The book is relatively
inexpensive or you can surely check it out from your local library for
free.
Feel free to post at any time! We are interested to listen.
Mark
