He's been telling me all throughout the years that I needed help but I was sure I didn't. I'm not the one drinking or using drugs...why should I get help?
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Hey, that is what I said. Why should I spend my time in a stupid meeting. Well, you should because you are not happy. Your goal should be to get happy. That is what my goal was. And AlAnon works. And I got happy.

I was married for 29 years when he finally got to AA in 2000 and I started AlAnon as soon as I learned about it. Now it is 15 years later and I am happy I spend my time in the stupid meetings. Those people are my true friends. They have been as unhappy as I was and they understand why I say things that I say, why I think how I think. But you have to be careful too. There are people who practice recovery, and there are others who practice the disease. Your hubby has been in AA and "not drinking" for 2 years but he still practices his diseased thinking. There are AlAnons like that too. They are unhappy at the core, but they are comfortable where they are and still practicing their diseased thinking. Learn all you can about the disease and about what others did and think and feel. Learn, learn, learn. It will creep into your thinking incrementally and you will find that you are getting more happy over the days and months. Even for one hour you will feel at peace.

You can vent on this web site too. We won't always agree with everything you say but we will respect you enough to let you say it.

Take care of yourself.

 

Aloha Islandgirl and welcome to the MIP family.  Why should you be in the program...its already been mentioned in a previous answer..."The alcoholic affects every one they come into contact with and we become as sick or sicker because we do not havethe anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality"  (from the AMA definition of alcoholism.  That was true for me and what is also true is that "Dry is not sober and if we don't know what recovery is we do not have the ability to recognize sobriety".  Sobriety is something all together different than just not drinking.  Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and compulsive use of it over a long period of time alters the drinker severely.  One of the things I was taught early on was to change and even kill my expectations of my non-drinking/non-using alcoholic addict and not to set her up to fail with what I felt and thought she should behave, think and feel.   Because I didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know.   I went to college to find out a lot about the disease and what it looked like, sounded like, felt like and behaved....that qualified me to be a therapist in a rehab not that it was the original reason I went to college.  I was just tired of the disease and my alcoholic beating me to the punch of insanity at every instant.  I learned and ton and mostly I learned my part in my own insanity...that part where I planed to do something to make it better/different and it always (ALWAYS) came out worse and more insane.   I gave up the resentment of being in recovery because she drank and used and just did recovery for myself.  I'm grateful to have a much better life today.   Sometimes taking the oath and making the promise till death do we part is a very very bad promise especially with an alcoholic/addict.     Keep coming back.   You are family and not alone anymore.    (((((hugs)))))

-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 20th of June 2015 05:26:21 PM

Hi 00islandgirl00, I am relatively new to Al-Anon and this board, but since you mentioned a concern about no one at the meeting being in your same situation (and I am so sorry to hear about the hard time you are going
through) and about running into someone outside the meeting, I just wanted to share a bit of my experience.

One thing I have noticed over the weeks and months of attending meetings, and I have gone to two or three different ones, is that the members all seem to take anonymity very seriously.  I have come to trust that my fellow Al-Anons would not discuss or comment on me outside of the meeting. (Goodness, they hardly do so within the meeting because of the no crosstalk rule!).

In fact, one of the reasons I felt comfortable going to Al-Anon is because of a dear friend whom I've known for many years.  We always talked and shared things about our lives. We were  (and still are) the closest confidantes you could imagine. But she never revealed to me that she'd been in Al-Anon nor that she was affected by alcoholism in her family and relationships, until I started disclosing my worsening situation with my AH.  Only then, very carefully and respectfully, did she start sharing with me her experience and wisdom about the disease and the program. She took anonymity as a sacred trust, and I think many of the dear people I've met in meetings would do the same.

Funny story about me and my friend:  She always said I could call her any time except Wednesday nights. For years, I never asked or found out what was the thing with Wednesday nights, until she shared that it was her meeting night.

Anyway, I'm sure there could always be some bad apples in the bunch, but I feel very trusting of the Al-Anoners I have met, and I know also that I can be selective in what I share at meetings.  I don't have to share everything all at once if I am not sure how I or someone else would take it. 

Also, after listening in meetings, I did eventually hear someone share about a situation similar to mine.  In fact, this person had gone through what I was currently experiencing and was farther along the path.  And she is now my sponsor.

I found that the often-heard phrase "Keep Coming Back" really did help me.  I hope you find the same.

Welcome, 00islandgirl00, so glad you reached out for help from AlAnon and are with us at MIP! Others have shared some great program and personal wisdom, and I had just a couple of thoughts that I will share.

As has been noted, individual meetings can vary quite a bit in 'feel', structure and content, and utility. Some put more emphasis on program literature, others on personal experience, strength and hope (ESH), and some on sincere personal interest and loving support. The level of adherence to AlAnon principles and traditions can very, more typically in smaller, geographically isolated groups. And finally, as in your case, members may have a different experience than what you are going through. These factors all contribute to the uniqueness and character of the meeting you attend.

These differences could be distracting if they receive our focus. We do, however, share something in common with every other member of AlAnon: we are all affected by someone's drinking. Rather than focus on the A's behavior, AlAnon guides us to focus on our own behavior and making healthier decisions in things that we can control. While we may not relate to someone else's particular situation, we most likely can relate to or have experienced the effects: worry, fear, anger, resentment about the drinking.

I have been to meetings in several areas in the US, and each one was different. There were some that I felt would be more helpful for me than others because of something I was working on or emphasis on Program principals. But I will say that I have never left a meeting without hearing something helpful, strengthening, or encouraging, or that didn't give me an opportunity to work on a character defect involving control, judging others, respecting other's right to a different opinion, etc..

We each bring a unique experience, but share a common 'disease' when we come to AlAnon. The Program brings strength, hope, and serenity to each of us when we focus on making better choices for ourselves, not on changing or controlling the alcoholic. Meetings are very important, but the power comes from the program. Any source that dispenses program wisdom gives us the opportunity to grow in our recovery.

I benefited greatly from daily reading, F2F and online meetings, and recently, this forum. Whatever source you find to be helpful, I hope you keep going back and find the strength, hope, and serenity that I and many others have. You deserve it!