The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The C2C reading for June 20 speaks about living with the disease of alcoholism and how we unconsciously develop negative coping tools to protect ourselves from the insanity of the disease.
The reading suggests that we often" react :out of fear -- go silent, and keep quiet when confronted instead of validating who we are and expressing our opinions. Being quiet and making ourselves invisible is a tool we developed and honed when living with the disease. In no longer serves our purpose
The reading points out that being quiet is a valid response at times, but when it is our automatic-go to "reaction". It is destructive to our own self-esteem and self-worth.
The suggested t alternative is to admit that we have a problem, accept our reactions and turn them over to HP.
Since Courage is Fear that has said its prayers , we must recognize our fears, we must say those prayers and must have faith to wait for healing.
While we're waiting we can learn to be gentle with ourselves, learning to listen to what others share, let the information in, and then respond from within.by validating ourselves and our opinion, without judging or criticizing others.
The quote is from In All Our Affairs." Al-Anon helped me to accept the fact that, although I have no control over other people's reactions of our thoughts, I can change the way I react.".
I certainly do love this reading. I know when I first entered program I always believed that one of my asssets was that :" I thought very quickly on my feet", and was amazed at my ability. My sponsor pointed out that all he was doing was reacting-- and not processing information and then responding as I should be doing in an intelligent fashion. By reacting I was giving my power away, because I was not going inward and expressing my true feelings.
What a gift this small little tool turned out to be. Learning how to validate myself without invalidating others really restored my self-esteem and self-worth.
As always, thanks for the daily. Loving the focus on what we can change - ourselves ... our thoughts, actions and reactions. I always need to be reminded that I have no control over other people's reactions, actions and deeds.
Learning to love myself in spite of the disease was not easy, but possible only through the grace of my HP, the tools of the program, steps, slogans, etc. I love that I am free of judging and criticizing others even when what they do makes no logical sense to me.
Waiting for healing for me was difficult. I too always viewed myself as a 'solution focused person', and waiting for healing and guidance from my sponsor, the program and the HP of my choice was hard. I have made to pray for patience often and always as it's one of my largest defects of character. I am so grateful that when I stay in the moment, and rely on my HP I can live with this disease and find peace in my life.
I hope you have a great weekend too Betty! Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I _totally_ went silent in my marriage. The importance of my
approval to her was _so_ important that if I ever said
anything that sounded even the slightest bit negative, she
would feel like I disapproved and like she was a bad person.
She would melt down emotionally and early on, this was
reason for some of her drinking benders.
I think I therefore learned to be silent but that caused me
a great deal of harm. In another post I described the
cognitive dissonance that I think built up as a result of
my silence. By not disputing her, it was like I agreed with
what she said and inside, I knew it was wrong. I couldn't
live that lie and I think it really wore me down after a
while and led to my feelings of being broken.
The adult thing to do would be to stand up for myself
or call her on stuff when the moment called for it. As an
adult, she should be able to handle that and own
responsibility... except she was no adult. She was
an ACoA and an A. She was more of a manipulative
child whether or not she was in control of herself
(I want to say as Mr. Hyde she wasn't but as Dr.
Jekyll she was but then there's the "dry drunk"
stuff too that further blurs the lines).
God how I wish that I had used silence much more than I had not. I was loud and disrespectful and abusive and so my amends were designed and generated toward doing the opposite. I am still compulsed toward an "in your face" reaction or response" even when understanding there are other alternatives which are less risky. I take risks which isn't such a bad behavior though I must also understand that the outcomes are not always in my favor. Thanks Betty ...again (((((hugs)))))
Thanks so very much for your thoughts Iamhere, Jerry F and Mark I can readily identify with each of you. Jerry My" quick thinking" (big mouth) did land me in plenty of trouble and thanks to program developed the new tools to learn how to respond and not react. Mark i do believe going silent may have been a better choice for me as I had not learned to express my thoughts clearly, without blaming or judging others. Now that we are both in program we know better and will do better.
IAMHERE Prayers for patience do work. I remember a reading in the ODAT that jumped out at me as it stated:" patience is acquired by letting go of self will . That was so simple and powerful .
Mark ... Wow I completely identify with your post. I went completely silent at the end of my relationship. A walking on eggshells approach. I did develop a cognitive dissonance. When I came here, I probably came off as abrasive because I had hid those things from myself. (It needed to come up and be released) I needed to acknowledge that the behaviour was unacceptable, however I judged myself. I should be able to forgive. He had a disease. Somehow I went to he has a disease so he gets to treat anyone anyway he wants. Forgiveness came when I forgave myself for living outside my value system And I stopped rationalizing the behaviour. I love this post because it shows that neither approach really works... A good reminder check with my values, validate myself and let go of the outcome. Thanks Betty
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My sponsor pointed out that all he was doing was reacting-- and not processing information and then responding as I should be doing in an intelligent fashion. By reacting I was giving my power away, because I was not going inward and expressing my true feelings.
A good reminder check with my values, validate myself and let go of the outcome. Thanks Betty