The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Understanding that the fear, resentment and lack of confidence that I developed from AH's verbal abuse was holding me back from being a compassionate human being with others and myself. Understanding the effect that 13 years of feeling sorry and hurt had such a negative affect on my personality and how all that chaos created a person that was so self conscious and not human was revealing! I am much more relaxed and now cope much better with AH and his verbal abuse, I do not take any of it personally any more, I just walk away and the next day tell him he owes me an apology. I have had much more confidence in myself, that if it all falls apart, it is not the end of the world. HP saw fit that the lessons that I had to learn would make a better person of me and He was absolutely correct!!
Through this journey, I had to face that my fears and lack of confidence made me difficult to get along with, because I was always afraid for myself. What a poor personality quality that was. I knew it wasn't right!! I am so glad that I was able to put my finger on it, with the help of Al-Anon and work it out.
The alcoholic thrives on creating chaos in order to justify their drinking, they do this by personally attacking those that are close to them, who must live with them. Those who live with them must endure the attacks, but understand that the chaos is just a cover for the A's need for excuses and reasons to drink and the abuse is uncalled for and should never be accepted. Detachment with love and having compassion is a saving grace, and removing themselves from the chaos is necessary.
The walls that I have taken down are ones of fear and lack of confidence. Once I discovered that all this fear of not being liked was not necessary, that I really could relax and not be so fearful of people not liking me or worry that everything I said was wrong, because AH would have liked me to believe all of that, that I was this awful person. I became a much more compassionate and patient and no longer worried about what others thought of me all the time.
I stand my ground now, and no longer allow the verbal abuse. I wait till the next day and tell him he owes me an apology for the previous days abusive treatment. I wait till the next day because there is no sense trying to talk to AH when he is drunk!
First discovering that a drinking problem was the reason for the verbal abuse, was absolutely revealing and then facing the resulting emotional damage that took place, has made me so eager to learn more about healing and moving on to a better mindset and life.
Step 5 helped me realize that HP and Al-Anon has helped me through all of this difficulty and that no matter what the reasons I have become a better person, no matter what AH decides to do, I will no longer allow the abuse to hurt me anymore.
Should have added this questions to the step!
Whodo you hold a grudge against?
Whatdid they do that you found offensive?
How did you contributeto their action? and
Whydid you react with a resentment?
TGIF
-- Edited by Debb on Friday 19th of June 2015 06:29:23 AM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hi Debb The Steps especially 5 through 11 were the key to my recovery and sanity As you pointed out, this one is indeed powerful . T too had established walls to protect myself and they ended up walling me in .
Thanks to alanon and HP I received the courage to finally acknowledge that I was human with destructive traits that hurt me as well as wonderful assets hidden behind those walls .Owning this to HP, myself and another set me free to be the imperfect me that I am. I love how alanonn states it is not a self improvement program-- it is a self acceptance program.
Learning how to let down those walls and "Validating" who I am and not invalidating or hurting others in the process is another gift of this Step.
Thanks for your share.
Debb - great post and spot on! It sounds like me in so many ways....
Betty - as always, thanks for your ESH too - the wisdom and self awareness is always inspiring!
I remember when I first read through the 12 Steps, I thought well - this one sounds easy, this one sounds like I can skip, this one doesn't apply to me.....I had the mindset that if I was able to quickly work these steps, I would feel better and life would get better.
I did not realize that it works if you work it - as written and suggested. Thank goodness for a great sponsor who helped me truly look at myself and what made me 'me' for each of these steps. We talked about each one and truly went into a discussion until I had no questions/concerns/comments left.
I did not understand how sharing my fears, vulnerabilities, and defects could make me feel better. I honestly had fear (what else is new) that doing the 4th & 5th steps would send me into a depression and spiraling down emotionally. My sponsor helped me realize that I was not unique, HP has helped many others through this/these steps and the promises were worth the effort.
Once I began sharing and we examined and discussed my writings, I felt some calm almost immediately. I did not realize that an issue or problem shared with a trusted friend/sponsor would be cut in half. I also got a bit more relief when I prayed and meditated on my writings as the problem was reduced yet again with HP involved.
This disease had turned me into an anxious, angry, resentful, sad shell of who I used to be. The action steps of the program helped me tear down those walls I had built for self-protection and self-preservation slowly - brick by brick. It was those exact walls that kept me always in a reactive position, waiting for the next shoe to drop. With the walls coming down, I was able to also find empathy for my As, realizing they were sick and also deserving of HP's grace/love.
I had to identify and discuss my resentments, fears, reactions, projections, ill-thinking, etc. and realize and accept all that is good in me. I agree this is a 'awareness' step, and I too came to realize that I was a human among humans with imperfect actions and thoughts and when I could accept who I was and what I was about, a new freedom came to me.
Today, because of this step and the others, I can love me as I am and realize I am a work in progress. I can also love and accept my A(s) and realize they are good people who are sick vs. bad people who don't care. This step truly helped open my eyes to how far-reaching this disease is and how sick I truly was...
Thanks to both - have a super day!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
