The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm sitting with an agitated anxious feeling tonight that I'm very familiar with. I don't know whether it's an al anon feeling, ie related to living with the effects of alcoholism, or whether it's just normal human life, or whether it's just me, so would be interested to hear any ESH. it would be especially handy to have any tips for how to get myself out of the feeling more quickly than usual. I'd also be curious to know where it comes from.
it's basically related to doubt and guilt over my decisions. Sometimes these are the massive ones but really it's the small ones that seem to plague me disproportionately. Tonight's is because I'm taking tomorrow off work because I had to work on Monday, which is my usual day off as i work 4 days a week. I didn't want to lose my day, had booked Friday out of my calendar so no meetings, told my team and put my out of office on. I've brought home some work to do over the weekend as I have a backlog, but I know that's not what's causing the anxiety. I know I'd feel this same unease even if there wasn't much work on. In my logical mind I know that what I'm doing is fair and just and I feel sure that nobody would quibble me about it. For some reason though I just feel full of guilt about it, doubtful that I'm doing the right thing, and somewhat ashamed. I feel unsettled, distracted, and butterfies in the stomachy. Tonight it's about my time off in lieu but it could just as easily be about something I've bought, a plan I've made, somewhere I've decided to go or not go, something I'm doing or not doing. I think I just have no faith or trust in my own choices and are desperate for outside affirmation to take away the discomfort. I'd typically phone someone to get them to affirm me but even then the feeling doesn't easily go, until it goes, until next time.
In my ideal version of me I'd back my first decision, assert it, feel confident about it and then move on to the next one, but instead I'm getting stuck in the weeds!
Sounds familiar to me. It sounds like how I lived every moment of every day for a long, long time in fact! I don't know if it's an "al-anon thing" or a "stress from living with alcoholism" thing or what, really. I also don't know of an instant fix. But I do know it doesn't have to be a part of life. You don't have to carry a peanut gallery around with you. I found as I worked through the al-anon program the self doubt and anxiety just shrank and shrank. Now they surprise me when they appear, and they used to be a constant.
Part of al-anon is learning to stop and listen to the quiet voice within you. That voice is your guide. What is it saying that you should do right now? Never mind any of the voices that want to talk about what you did 5 minutes ago, or what might happen tomorrow. Those voices are bad news. What is YOUR voice saying you should do right now? I bet it isn't saying "I think you should waste your time feeling guilty". Listening to the "now" voice and shutting out the "should have" or "is going to" voices helps me pull out the weeds!
-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 18th of June 2015 06:16:23 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Great post and great topic......I for a long, long while second guessed almost everything I did/decided/etc. For me, before my A went back out (met/married in AA) I had self-confidence and my self-esteem had been restored from my own program work.
However, once I realized he had slipped and had no intention of returning to recovery, I began to slip in self-confidence. As time wore on and we battled over many things, his justifying & rationalizing mind told me I was the problem, I was 'stupid', etc. So - there went the self-esteem.
And then, as missmeliss suggests, we kind of 'live there' for a long, long while - for me until I joined Al-Anon and began to really work the program, the steps and turn the focus on me.
I came in here defeated, crazy and just plum tuckered out. I had no self-worth, limited to no self-esteem and figured I was 'healthy' and they were sick. Boy - I was wrong and that became apparent to me as I worked this program. I have since become reliant on the program, my sponsor, my HP and my own recovery and have more confidence in my decision making/answers/reactions/actions. I still doubt myself at times, and try to turn that over to HP.
It gets easier and easier to give self-care and self-love as time goes on. For me, I had tried to be the solution for so many things beyond my control and most blew up differently than I wanted. So - it was unnatural to make good decisions and have no chaos follow....
I don't know if this makes sense, but I do think it's part of the 'growing up in public' we do as we work the program and learn to love ourselves.
(((Hugs))) to you and hoping you enjoy your break!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When I feel anxious it is because I am letting everything dwell on me all at once.
I draw on the knowledge that my HP has a design or plan for me and that I must take a step back and only focus on the present, not the past or the future.
Meditation is very helpful in training to become more mindful of the present, so that all the past and future thoughts don't get in the way of the present and what I need to focus on, therefore enabling a clearer mindset.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
