The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
No matter what I do or how hard I work the steps I find myself after a period of time losing it. Today my active qualifier went out to pick up some tea and powerade for me and to stop by Sears for a sparkplug. He was gone for three hours and my thoughts were racing. I tried calling him and he ignored calls, no responses to text either. When he showed up I asked him where he had been and he started in on me a little bit being verbal. He knew I was already in a bad mood from this morning but just kept everything quiet. Also my dad's passing has been on my mind. Well when he started in on me I took one of the liters of tea and threw it on the ground it broke (plastic) and I didn't mean for it to. Now he is telling me again that it's over and he wants me out. I want to know where my sanity went. Why do I lose control like that? That's not like me nor do I want to be like that.
(((hugs))) to you - we are human and we make mistakes. Try to do the next right thing and trust your HP.
My sponsor told me early on that when I get that compulsion to call/text/contact my As to see where they are that I needed to call her instead. That saved me mentally many a time and helped a ton. If you don't have a sponsor, perhaps get some program friend numbers for local support.
We are here for you - so sorry about the way your day has been...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You both are right. I have a sponsor I just didn't call her. The compulsion was overwhelming. I have been on relapse road for a while now. *sigh Today is a new day. Thank you both.
Tampa - great way to start the new day! And yes, as Debb suggests, we do all slip at times, and have to accept our humanisms as well as our recovery!
Make this a great day and be gentle with you! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
There may also come a time when you can no longer tolerate a relationship with someone that doesn't answer calls and texts and acts sneaky. Detachment works great, but if this is a relationship value of yours that keeps getting violated over and over....it's going to be difficult to act like it doesn't bother you when it does. Not encouraging you to leave or end things or whatever. I just know that there is a fine balance between detachment and honoring what you want and need in relationships.
There may also come a time when you can no longer tolerate a relationship with someone that doesn't answer calls and texts and acts sneaky. Detachment works great, but if this is a relationship value of yours that keeps getting violated over and over....it's going to be difficult to act like it doesn't bother you when it does. Not encouraging you to leave or end things or whatever. I just know that there is a fine balance between detachment and honoring what you want and need in relationships.
pinkchip - You are correct. This is something that is important for me and it is a relationship value for me. I remember the day when it wasn't though and I actually felt like I could breathe. Now it seems vital that I receive the responses when I need them or feel I need them because I have that fear ... that lurking ugly fear of what is going on. This definitely is going on a list I am making for myself. Thank you for your input.
This is a great example of whether to detach with love, in which case it's our issue about obsessing and worrying that we need to get over, or insisting on it because it's common courtesy and because we respect ourselves enough not to have it and we insist on the other person respecting and loving us.
To me it's another example of the dilemma: detach with love or pick up, leave them be, and move on?
I also think it's one thing to say that about a spouse (and maybe a spouse of less than three years when the drinking has been there from the outset) rather than a sibling, parent, child, etc.
It's not easy to resolve all these things.
Thanks for sharing, everyone.
Mark
Tampa wrote:
pinkchip wrote:
There may also come a time when you can no longer tolerate a relationship with someone that doesn't answer calls and texts and acts sneaky. Detachment works great, but if this is a relationship value of yours that keeps getting violated over and over....it's going to be difficult to act like it doesn't bother you when it does. Not encouraging you to leave or end things or whatever. I just know that there is a fine balance between detachment and honoring what you want and need in relationships.
pinkchip - You are correct. This is something that is important for me and it is a relationship value for me. I remember the day when it wasn't though and I actually felt like I could breathe. Now it seems vital that I receive the responses when I need them or feel I need them because I have that fear ... that lurking ugly fear of what is going on. This definitely is going on a list I am making for myself. Thank you for your input.
Great points and great awareness on your part. I agree with what pinkchip has said - as you determine what you want/need/value in a relationship, that will help you set healthy boundaries. If the boundaries are broken/violated, then you are at a new level of awareness which leads to different choices and decisions. As I examined my relationships, needs and boundaries, it became clearer and clearer what I needed to do to work my program.
Each of us has our own path and each step on the path discloses more realities. We arrive at different places at different times. Trust your HP and keep working your program - you are worth it and the answers will come.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((Tampa)))) One important thing I learned in recovery was to do the inventory before the drunk returned and to call my sponsor or some other program friend before she returned also or else by my own habits I would act in a way that would not be good for me and I would do serious damage as a result including physical harm to the alcoholic/addict. You're not done...we still have steps after the 4th....5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and then start practicing 10 often. My sponsor taught me that when and where I found I had made a "mistake/error/gaff/screw-up etc." It was my responsibility to apologize for it and make the changes to keep if from happening again. There you go...from my sponsor to you...good luck. ((((hugs))))
