The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I seem to have to learn this lesson over and over and over and over and over.
Knowing the pitfalls, knowing the outcomes and knowing the wrong course of action through tried and tested experience just doesn't make bad decisions work any better!
For example, for various reasons I am 2 weeks into an 8 week study-from-home period. And I know that if I allow myself to be isolated, remain indoors and stop participating in the outside world for even a short stint of time I become morose, and full of self pity and overwhelmingly tired. But of course I told myself "hey, Mel, you've been SO busy, just a week or so of being lazy won't hurt". Ha!!!!
I looked at the calender yesterday and can not believe it has only been 2 weeks; it feels as though months have passed. Time really slows down when you don't leave the house. And now it feels like a monumental task to do simple stuff like make myself start getting dressed properly each day, take the dog for a walk (the poor guy) and start actually DOING the huge pile of study I've been going to get started on for the past 2 weeks. In 6 weeks I start 4 new classes and I haven't even begun the ones I am meant to be getting done online in the meantime. In short, I knew the pitfalls, I knew exactly what I was in danger of doing and I went right ahead and dug myself a hole anyway. Goody. Now to be fair I probably was due a short break but not holing up indoors wearing my sloth kit and developing an allergy to sunlight for 2 weeks. That hasn't improved my life one bit. But it was going to be different this time! I was aware! Ugh.
In my cleverness I also made a mess of a friendship and feel horrid about it. I have a life-long very dear friend. And she has been asking and asking if she can come and see me and I have been saying "soon" for months and months now. Because I love this friend to pieces, but she has huge addiction and dependence issues and it would be a disaster. I know she means to come and then when I see how "perfect" it is, I'll never ask her to leave. She has told me as much. She's going to clean my house and cook and be an aunty to my daughter and so on and so forth. I can actually HEAR the argument now, when 2 months have passed and she hasn't paid cent towards her own upkeep and she lists everything she has done for us and tells me I couldn't survive without her. The writing is there on the wall, so plain for me to see). But the other week I decided, for some reason, it might be different. It might be nice. My messed up mind was asking me "what do you have to lose?" "Stop being so boring Mel, what's so bad about having your dearest friend come to stay and liven things up a bit?". So I made the really smart announcement that I was going to pay for a train fare for her to come and stay with me for a few weeks. And then afterwards it hit me that this is not in any way a good beginning to anything.
"Hey I want to see you Mel"
"Hey me too"
"But I'm an addict with no money"
"Oh that's OK, I'll pay your way and you can stay with me".
The same fairy-tale I have lived over and over and over again.
So I had to make a very awkward call and say I'm sorry, I've changed my mind. I don't think I can have you visit me at the moment". And now she's angry and hurt. But I have to be smart and remind myself that she would be a lot more angry and hurt if I had willingly invited her to stay at my home and then become angry with her for being herself and doing what an active addict does!!
And then tonight. Abf called and wanted me to know how much he misses me and wants to see me. But he can't because he has no money. AND I ACTUALLY SAID "I COULD PUT SOME MONEY ON YOUR TRAVEL CARD FOR YOU SO YOU CAN VISIT". And then I had to take that back too because after a few moments I found I couldn't wear it comfortably at all.
What is with me paying for people to come and save me from my solitude? I don't mean as a one off, I mean people who need me to pay for them again and again and again. Aren't I worth friends who can come and see me all by themselves? And as I'm writing this it occurs to me, why do I need to sit here locked up in my tower trying to pay for pissed-and-stoned knights and knightesses in gin-soaked armour to come and rescue me anyway? Maybe I need to actually...GASP...leave the house and DO something!!!
Ugh. Truly nothing changes if nothing changes. So I've said no to these obviously doomed ideas and that's great but now I am going to have to actually DO something differently.
The world is not coming to me, no matter how much money I spend paying for other unwell people to ride around on trains. Weird, huh?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hi melly it takes time to grow and change.
I am a slow learner too that's why the saying
Progress not perfection.
Relationships especially unhealthy Ones are
the hardest if you enabled or allowed certain
Behaviors they do Not like any changes
Especially if you are free with your money.
My mother does not like or respect my boundaries.
I keep saying the same thing to her which she
Does not like" No i am taking care of me right now"
She wants me to move down by her to take care of
Her needs so the words NO do not go over very well.
Keep moving along, after you progress far enough you will find you attract a better class of people. You do that by knowing who the freeloaders and addicts are, valuing yourself and knowing you are too good for them, and, even if initially you think it's a good idea inviting them, making those difficult phone calls to tell them "nevermind". While the freeloaders are around, nobody else will want to be because they don't want to have to deal with it.
Once the freeloaders are good gone, you will see the class of people who want to start hanging with you.
And maybe your friend will find recovery some day, and things will be different. But you know you aren't responsible for her recovery, you are responsible for your own recovery and your beautiful daughter.
I am right there with you.Looking at some decisions I have made recently and trying not to run down the road screaming!Nothing life shattering,I am just hard on myself. The worst thing I do is beat myself up over it.At least I am starting to have a compass,something I never had before.I have made a lot of changes and gone through a lot of pain.I know you have too.It is a process and I try to look at it as learning experiences.We are still human,be gentle with yourself.
I agree with the others i did not enable
But allowed too much and did not stand
my ground or boundaries. It all takes
Time be patient and gentle with yourself.
Self love And your own HP helping you on your
journey to Emotional health is the biggest
gift of this program.
You start getiing strong and more sure footed
On the inside. One baby step to a time :)
I've BTDT - been there done that......I have gotten smarter (thanks to a good sponsor) and whenever I am asked 'for something', I tend to respond with let me think about that. It's a great PAUSE phrase so I can gather my tools and make a good decision...
It's hard to go through life living for others and then come to the program and redirect your energy to improving self. It's worth it but old habits are hard to change - so I get it...
The good news - you righted your wrongs. In my world whether I say No at first attempt or change my mind and say No at later attempts, the reaction from the 'users' are the same - guilt trip & drama. So - it's not on you if they are hurt, offended, upset, angry, etc. It's their side of the street.
It has gotten easier. My Ason # 2 has wanted to stop by for his laptop for the last few days. I have had other plans and told him so. He finally woke up sooner today, and contacted me to stop by. I said, "Sure". He lives across town and must rely on public transportation. So, he took a bus for an hour, stayed for about an hour & half and then went to catch the bus back to his area. He did not ask me to do 'it' - drive him, pick him up, feed him, pay for the bus - nothing!!! I was impressed and proud of us both as it was growth on both sides.
This is only a reality because I've set my boundaries, he's tested them and thrown fits and I've not caved. So - program action does help both sides of the dilemma.
I am proud that you became aware of the 'downfalls' and righted the situation! Good for you - now don't beat yourself up - enjoy the HP given clarity and do something special for you and your daughter...
Growth for me does come slow, but it comes if I work the program and trust HP!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You have such great self awareness, missmellis. This was a really good post for me to read tonight: thank you. I am working hard on how to offer healthy support to others, and have really come to accept that I need to always return to providing healthy support to myself. Fall down seven times, get up eight. Good for you for revising your invitation: I'm sure you dreaded that conversation but it was very brave and healthy for you to do that.
I think it's great that you decided two weeks was enough and that you are re-booting your classwork. Devoting your energy to your own advancement instead of beating yourself up is a smart way to go. You still have plenty of time. How about going to a nice spot to do your work, like a library or coffee shop? (It's so sad all the bookstores closed). This would get you outside and around people. It also kinda focuses your intent to do some work bc other people are working, too. Sometimes a little background noise helps me focus. Just start eating the elephant one bite at a time.
Your very aware post reminded me of the poem by Portia Nelson - maybe you know it already. Seems to me you're at least at Chapter III and moving forward fast!
Theres A Hole In My Sidewalk: Autobiography In Five Short Chapters~ Portia Nelson
Chapter I
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost I am helpless. It isnt my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I dont see it. I fall in again. I cant believe I am in the same place. But, it isnt my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in its a habit but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
One thing I am learning is that setting boundaries (and sticking to them when people, as is human nature, push back) is one of the most important, if not THE most important, thing I can do to take care of myself.
All my life I have been an extreme people pleaser, what the psych literature calls "compliant." That has made me a magnet for people with personality disorders who are looking for someone to control. Such relationships have been a sick dynamic that have kept me in and out of major depression for years. Learning to set limits with these people has not been easy, as they react very strongly to my setting a limit on what I will put up with. However, another thing I have learned is that I can sit with the behavior of others (and the uncomfortable feelings they spark within me), which is actually less painful than how it feels to remain a doormat.
That being said, isolation is unhealthy. When I isolate, I wind up going places in my head that really should only be visited when I can bring a friend along. With your recently acquired mobility, can you go someplace to be around (healthy) people a couple of hours per day, perhaps while you're doing your schoolwork?
You're doing great. Setting boundaries at first can be very scary, but like all new behavior, it takes practice.
I have to say that line about developing an allergy to sunlight had me rolling... :)
More seriously though, kudos to you for at least recognizing these things. That's
a first step and demonstrates a lot of introspection on your part. I think in the
future it will become more natural to just say no immediately rather than be
tempted, have to go back and forth on it, etc.
Thanks for sharing!
Mattie--
Thanks for posting that poem. I had not heard it before... great stuff!
